Bear with me

Before I get too far into this post, I'm going to ask you to bear with me. I have a feeling this is going to be all over the place. Mainly because my feelings are all over the place. In my mind, everything makes sense. Not sure how it pans out in verbal formation.

For those who have been following me for a while - or at least if you've read my story - you know that I have a crazy past. By the grace of God and my faith in Him, I have been able to overcome those obstacles and use those dark times as a way to minister to others. Just a few years ago, I was able to send a letter to my youth pastor and offer forgiveness.

However the past few weeks have brought all of those feelings of insecurity, abandonment & fear back to the surface.

A friend was accused of  inappropriate behavior with a minor. My 1st reaction was that he was wrongfully accused. I know this young man. He has a heart for God. I couldn't imagine that he would do something inappropriate. Yet, slowly my 'victim' brain entered the equation. I mean, sure I couldn't imagine my friend doing something so awful, but I also couldn't imagine being a victim who was not believed. Yes, I am fully aware that there are some people in our world who would purposely make up a story, merely for attention purposes.

Because this friend attends the same church as I, church is no longer a safe haven for me. In fact, each Sunday it takes every ounce of strength to make myself go to church. It is not uncommon for me to experience a full-blown anxiety attack, having to run to the restroom to vomit (sorry if TMI). Does it mean I think he's guilty? Not at all... but it brings back all of those feelings of when I came forward with accusations against my youth pastor. No one in the church supported me. I was asked to leave and not have contact with anyone. Church had become a battle field for me. 

I want SO much to support my friend through this horrible time, but I am dealing with so many feelings from my past, I am unable to be objective. 

Ultimately I know that this is all the work of the enemy. He knows my weaknesses. He will expose and utilize them any way possible to stop me from furthering God's Kingdom. The enemy is crafty. He finds the Achilles heel and tries to destroy.

For now,  I need to focus on dealing with these feelings. I can't beat myself up over the fact that they are right on the surface. I simply must cope with them - continue to lean on God and my friends. This is NOT a weakness. Admitting that I am struggling is a sign of strength. 

I ask you for prayers... Prayers as I sort these new again feelings. Prayers for my friend. Prayers for the accuser. Prayers that the truth comes out - no matter what it may be.

Many blessings,

Life stinks!

This entry started out a lot differently. I was going to give definitions of what a hero/heroine was. It was simply going to be an informational blog. A tiny glimpse into who my current hero is.

Then emotions overtook me the other day and I realized I needed to make this entry exactly like this.

Life stinks! I do not understand why bad stuff happens to good people. Yeah, I know. People automatically assume that because I am a Christian, I have all of the answers. Well - you know what? I don't!

I don't know why God allowed Hurricane Katrina to happen? I have no clue where He was on 9/11/01. Where was He during Hurricane Sandy? Was He absent while I was being raped?

One thing I can say for certain, is that God has NEVER deserted us. It may feel as though He's letting us walk alone, but I can guarantee that He is with us every step of the way. He hurts when we hurt. He cries when we cry.

So, why does life stink? I'll tell you.

I have a dear friend, LL. God brought me & LL together when we both needed a friend. He had a hand in how it began. She was there for me when BFF moved. Helped me grieve that 'loss'.

Over the years of friendship, I have learned a little more about LL's life. Loss of 4 children, an immune deficiency that kicks her butt daily. And now.... CANCER.

LL just learned that she has breast cancer. Stage 3 breast cancer that has spread to her lymph nodes  There are 3 types of breast cancer.. As of this post, she has 2 of the 3, yet they fear that she has the 3rd as well. Radiation, chemo, mastectomy are all on her horizon.

She has already been through SO much... why this too?

I'll admit. I've been angry for her. Playing the 'WHY HER' game. I fear for her. I fear for her husband. What they have already endured and now what they are about to undergo once again. 

LL can easily play the victim card. WHY ME? I haven't heard her say that once. Instead, she simply says "WHY NOT ME". If what she endures can help just 1 person, than that is why.

Her story has reminded me SO much of the story of Job. Job was afflicted over & over & over yet his faith in God never wavered. While his friends & family around him, told him to curse God, he continued to be faithful to our Heavenly Father - the Great Physician.

I do not want to be Job's friends when it comes to LL. I may not be a great source of encouragement for her, I can certainly stay by her side and tell her that this stinks. That I am scared for her. In fact, that's what she wants me to say. She wants someone to cry WITH her... not just FOR her. She wants someone to be angry WITH her. To fight WITH her. She wants to be treated as a friend - not a sick cancer patient.

So..... I am friends with LL, my beloved friend. I will do my best to be real with every step she endures. Not in a way that will bring her down, but in a way that will allow her to be exactly who she is without fear of being treated differently. She may be tiny in stature - but she's got the fight & determination of a prized fighter. 

Yes - life stinks! But it is in the stinky moments that you learn exactly who your REAL friends are.

Many blessings,

Fifteen

On a stormy Sunday 15 years ago, I married the Mayor. Little did I know what was in store for us or our marriage.

This Friday will mark 15 years that we have been married. I would love to say that every day has been  wedded bliss, but that would be lying. We have had our ups & downs. I will also admit that there was a time where I think we both considered divorce. Life wasn't the "happily ever after" that the stories promise.

What have I learned these 15 years?

Marriage takes work. There is no such thing as 'happily ever after'. Life doesn't just CLICK once you are married. You have to WORK for your marriage. Every hour of every day. He is going to do things that just drive you batty. Things will get in the way of your love. Children happen. Work happens. Life happens.

Shortly before we moved, the Mayor and I were living separately. Not physically separately, but emotionally. He had his life and I had mine. The only thing we had in common were our children. We had our  families fooled. I'm pretty sure we had our friends fooled. We were 2 people living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, but living 2 completely different lives. Instead of clinging to one another, focusing on God, we focused on anything but. He gave his heart to the fire department and I gave my heart elsewhere.

Moving was what saved our marriage. We moved 12 hours away. No family. No friends. No distractions. Just me, the Mayor, Songbird & Slugger. It was sink or swim time.

We found a church home. We found a small group. We found each other.

I would marry the Mayor all over again for I know that he is the one my soul loves (Song of Solomon 3:4) God has brought some wonderful people into our lives who have spoken truth. They have been transparent about their own marriage, their successes and their failures. We are not alone in our struggles.

Each of us has learned to put God first and foremost in our lives. As we focus on Christ, we are able to give grace to those around us.

While I have regrets of things I have done in my marriage, I know that they have strengthened my resolve to work and fight for it. Divorce is NOT in our vocabulary - unless we are talking about other couples. We are working on being examples to our children.

I'm not gonna lie. It's hard work. But I promise that it is worth the effort.

Happy Anniversary to the Mayor. Here's to another 75 years!

Many blessings,

Eye opening

Seems like God's got something to say to me and I am just not sitting still enough to listen to Him. You know, REALLY listen to Him.

Today was my mom's group, Birds on a Wire. As I said yesterday, slowly but surely I am starting to break out of my shell at this group. It really is nice to be around women who have kids around the same age as Songbird & Slugger. Some even have college aged kids - which tells me there is hope!

Our topic today "I am a bad mom"... Well, not really that we're bad moms, but the lie that we believe. I'll freely admit it, I regularly compare myself to other moms, telling myself that if I was only like so and so, I'd be a much better mother.

The area that I often struggle with the most is the fact that I am a working mom. I have worked outside of the home pretty much since our children were born. Mainly out of financial necessity, but also because I need to be someone other than mom/wife.

God revealed something through Karen, our speaker/leader/mentor, that sung to my heart. God designed us to be the person we are. He also designed our children to be the people who they are. He perfectly suited us to be Mom to our children - whether through birth, adoption, fostering.

Then she shared a Bible passage. One that I have heard before. In fact, it is often used to defend the Pro Life stand.

Psalm 139:13-16

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body,
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

Yet this time we focused on the last part.

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Not just my days were ordained, but my children's days were ordained. God hand selected me and The Mayor to parent these wonderful children. He knew that before ANY of us were formed. That's powerful stuff.

Instead of worrying what others think of me as a mother, I need to look to God to teach me to parent. He is the ultimate Father. He is our Heavenly Father. I don't know about you, but that takes a LOT of pressure off of me.

Needless to say, I am once again thankful that I managed to push myself out of my comfort zone and start attending this group. I've even decided to sign up for the Spring session...

Many blessings,

  
    

At arms length

I had a conversation with a friend the other day. It was eye opening for me. Possibly even life changing.

She had sent me an email simply titled "Our Friendship". My crazy, diseased mind went straight toward the bad. I thought for sure that she was going to tell me that we should no longer be friends. That I had done some horrible, inexcusable act that destroyed our friendship.

I was pleasantly surprised. She was thanking me for our friendship. Telling me what a blessing it has been.

We chatted quickly about the email the other day. She said to me that I've closed myself off to people ever since BFF moved.

POW!

It's one thing to know on the inside that you've closed yourself off. It's something totally different to hear someone validate it. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

Have I been in a 2 year friendship depression?

Looking back, I have to say YES. Yes, I have been. I can honestly say that I have closed most of my heart to friends around me out of fear that they will leave. Gosh - writing that makes it sound SO juvenile.

Where do I go from here?

I put my heart out there. I freely give it over to God. He will protect my heart and lead me to the friendships that He has in store for me.

That's begins tomorrow... tomorrow is the next meeting of my moms of tweens/teens group, Birds on a Wire. It's time to be transparent. I know I am not the only woman going through this. It's time to put it out there. God has brought me to this group for a reason. Now I am open to what He has in store.

Opening my heart doesn't mean my friendship with BFF ends. She will always have a special place in my heart. Nothing can change that. But it is time to build new friendships. Allow for genuine friendship with others. It's not a betrayal of our friendship.. It only will strengthen what we have.

I am so thankful to my dear friend who had enough love for our friendship to make such a bold, yet true statement. I pray that God brings others into my life who will speak truth out of love.

I have hope!

Many blessings,

Hello insecurities

I battle with insecurities. As a wife, as a mother, as a woman. So to keep those insecurities in check, I tend to keep to myself. Go to work, come home, veg with the family, volunteer. Lather, rinse, repeat. Keep my life in a tiny little box so that nothing can come in & nothing can really escape. A great way to keep people at arms length.

This has been especially true since BFF moved over 2 years ago. The thought of putting myself out there and having to make a new friend... UGH! I'd rather have root canal without Novocaine. Heck, I'd rather birth a baby without an epidural! Do you get the picture?

I'll be honest. Since BFF left, I have done very LITTLE to put myself out there. Sure. I have surface  friendships, but even those people I keep at a distance. Don't have anyone that really knows the nitty gritty of me.

Imagine my surprise when I decided to sign up for a Mom's Group. Yep.. blindly signed up. Didn't know if I'd know anyone in the group. Just decided that I would sign up. It a group of moms who are tweens/teens. They're in the same place in life as I am.

Today was the 1st day of group. What a  struggle to get my butt out of the house to go. Surely, since I don't know anyone there, no one will miss me. What if I'm not a good mom? What if I'm not a good wife? Since the group meets during the day, the majority of the moms will be stay-at-home-moms. Can I even relate? Will they look down on me because I work?

I went.... the topic for the next few weeks "LIES WOMEN BELIEVE"... specifically lies moms believe.

I got there... took every ounce of courage to get out of the car. I  mean, have you seen my car? 1998 Honda Accord with a ton of crap inside (I'm not very tidy). What about my clothes? My hair? My lack of make-up? My weight?

Thankfully, the staff did the hard part for us. They had already separated us into groups. Let me tell you - I would have been perfectly happy sitting all alone. There were a few familiar faces. You would think that would ease my mind a bit. NOPE!!! Now there are people who KNOW me that may think of me one way, but then get to see the 'real' me and change their mind.

A few of the ladies are moms to the high school boys the Mayor leads at church. They had such nice things to say about the Mayor. Of course, that just added to my stress & insecurities. I mean, how can I measure up to the Mayor? Will they think less of him because of me?

What I learned today is that those insecurities I struggle with are lies from the Enemy. Lies he wants me to believe so that I push myself away from being the person that God created me to be.

I am glad I went. It was nice to chat with the ladies at my table. Surprisingly enough, we come from all walks of life & they have very similar struggles as I do. A slight camaraderie.

I'm looking forward to the next meeting!! Maybe I'll even make a friend.

Many blessings,

Worship

Everyone has their own worship style.

Some through study. Others through nature. And still others through serving.

Me?

It's all about music for me.

My hubby & I were having a conversation the other day about worship. Why do we worship? Is it to gain favor with God or because we are afraid of Him?

We are called to worship God simply because he is God. Holy, powerful, majestic. He gives us life each day we wake up. We are surrounded by His love through nature. He knows every hair on our head (or lack thereof). He created  us in our mother's womb & has great plans for us.

I feel closest to God when I am listening to music. The old hymns are good... but I LOVE the songs that just cry out to God. You can hear the desperation, the brokenness of the song writer. I can identify with that dark place. The anguish. The pleading. Those songs are always a reminder of His faithfulness. How when we feel our lowest, He is right there with us, carrying us. He doesn't walk beside us. He picks us up. We can lean on His shoulder. Take comfort and rest knowing that we aren't alone. An opportunity to lift my hands in TOTAL surrender to Him and His will.

I also love the fast paced, all out worship songs. The ones that just praise His Holy Name. To me, they are thank yous for His faithfulness. They are a celebration of His power & love. It's an outpouring of love for my Heavenly Father and all that He has done for me. Another way for me to say THANK YOU!

So... what's your worship style?

Many blessings,

I survived!!!

Last night was family photo night.

I'll be honest. I was nervous. I wasn't feeling beautiful. But I knew it was very important to my MIL, so I put on my happy face and went along for the ride.

The photographer was great! Very friendly. Very down to earth. He had a way of putting people at ease. Even toward the end of the session, when Slugger was getting cranky & irritable, this guy just kept going. He knew how coax just 'one more' picture.

After looking at the pictures, I can say I really am happy that I went along with it. I feel beautiful. I will definitely be proudly displaying a LOT of these pictures in my home when we get back. I can't wait to make copies!

Judge for yourself.

Many blessings,

Being honest with you

So... vacation is just around the corner. Literally, just 2 days away. Most people would be counting down the hours. Songbird & Slugger definitely are.

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't want the time off with my family. Oh, I do! My crazy overtime work  schedule has given us little time together this summer. It's not that I'm not looking forward to the time with my  in-laws. I am. We usually see them once a year. Instead of them coming to us, we are meeting them for a week at the beach. Even my brother-in-law & his family will be there. We certainly don't see them enough. Maybe once every 3-4 years when we go to NJ.

No.. that's not what has me freaking out about vacation. Nope. It's me.

MIL had a great idea of having family pictures done on the beach. Everyone wearing the same colors - white tops & denim bottoms). Yeah. I don't wear white. Ever since I grew boobs & had to start wearing a bra, I've tried to avoid white. Even when I was super skinny in high school/college. I was a tomboy. Didn't want the guys to see that I wore a bra. Stupid - I know. But still.

Now that I'm a LOT heavier than I was in high school/college, I avoid white because it's not usually a very flattering color for a plus size girl. Even my wedding dress wasn't truly white. So you can imagine my horror when I was told we needed to wear a white shirt. I don't even own a white shirt. Actually, none of my family does - because we're fairly messy eaters.

Yesterday we went shopping. It was my only day off this week. I was NOT looking forward to trying to white shirts. Little did I know I was in for an even BIGGER surprise.

I caught a glimpse of myself in a full length mirror. We don't own any in our home. I'm content with viewing myself from the waist up. If I want to see my lower half, I just look down. Yeah... now I know WHY we don't have any full length mirrors.

I am large. Certainly not the image I had of myself in my mind. The only word that keeps coming to my mind is body dysmorphic disorder. I know I do not have that... I just have an unrealistic picture of myself in my mind. I still think I look like how I did in my wedding pictures - which was 100 pounds lighter.

Then we went shopping for shorts - because white shirts weren't enough. Yeah... My legs don't look as nice as I thought they did. I mean, I am 5'11". Not a short woman. But my legs - I swear I was a short, fat little person. My legs didn't belong on my body. No. They should have belonged to my grandmother when she was alive & overweight.

The only saving grace for the day was finding new bras. It's amazing how a new bra can boost your confidence. Not that I'm suddenly looking forward to wearing that white shirt in the family pictures. But at least my boobs will look perky.

So, I am trying to go into this vacation with a positive attitude. I am positive that I am going to enjoy the time with my family without any interruptions from work. They can call all they want... I won't be answering. Instead, I'm going to have a fun date night my my beloved, The Mayor. I plan on taking a ton of pictures of my beautiful family. I certainly plan on sitting poolside,well, sitting IN the pool and relaxing. Maybe even venture into the ocean. Though don't hold your breath.

Thanks for letting me ramble on.

Many blessings,

I am tired

I am tired.

I am tired of trying to make friends.

I am tired of trying to conform so that everybody likes me.

I am tired of having a servant's heart. I just allow myself to become a doormat because things need to get done and no one else steps up to the plate.

Of course, God shows up in those deep, dark places and speaks directly to my heart. His words rejuvenate my soul.

For my 40th birthday this year, a friend gifted me a copy of her favorite book "His Princess: Love Letters from Your King" by Sheri Rose Shepherd. I would love to say that I read it daily, but that would be the furthest thing from the truth.

Opening up this book today spoke volumes to my heart.

pg. 14 My princess you don't have to fit in 

I know you want to be accepted by others, but you were not made to fit in. You, My princess, were created to stand out....... Love, Your King & Crown Giver

What a great example of Galatians 1:10

Am I now trying to win
the approval of men,
or of God?
Or am I trying to please men?
If I were still trying to please men,
I would not be a servant of Christ.

Powerful, powerful stuff! I am supposed to stand out. Stand out for Him - the One who fearfully and wonderfully created me. What perspective!!

My servant's heart is a blessing. God calls me to serve. It's up to me to establish my boundaries. No one can be aware of my limits unless I convey them.

I needed this reminder. The reminder that I need to simply be myself. The me God made me to be. Keep my focus on Him. Let His light shine through.

Many blessings,

New creation

** all scripture is quoted from BibleGateway.com

The Bible is filled with hundreds of stories of men who took a leap of faith for God. I love those stories - they're classics. Abraham, Issac, Moses, Noah.

All too often, I struggle to connect. Sure, I can identify with their weaknesses, but they're still men. Think of the women of the Bible. Ruth, Esther, Mary. They were ordinary women who did extraordinary things out of faith. But how do you identify with the woman who would one day birth our Savior.

Yet there are women in the Bible who people discounted. Women who society tossed to the side. Women who were insignificant - but not to God.

Rahab, the Samaritan woman at the well and the woman caught in adultery. These ladies were working girls; prostitutes. In those days, they would be stone for the life. One was about to be stoned when Jesus stepped in. However, God used these women in an incredible way. Rahab, a mere prostitute, is mentioned in the lineage of Jesus.

I don't know what drove these women to freely give away their bodies, but I can identify. I may not have been paid, but I did freely give away what wasn't mine to give.

God saved those women. Not because they were perfect - no. They were tainted according to society's standards. Used and abused. But He saved them because He loved them. Just like He loves you. He promises to make you a new creation in Him. Your past doesn't matter. It is long forgotten. He is healing those wounds. He will use YOU to further His kingdom. YOU are a vital part of His story.

Many blessings,

Renewed & refreshed

I just got back from a wonderful weekend in Kure Beach, NC at a Women's retreat with the Sista Herd. God introduced me to this beautiful group of women in 2010. Since then, God has continued to use them in my life to speak truth and love.

This weekend was no different. Listening to these women tell their stories just strengthened my resolve to get Mending Hearts off the ground. There are so many hurting women in this world who need to know that they are truly more than their past.

The speakers spoke and God was giving me His own message for me. He brought to mind some women of the Bible that are often overlooked. THOSE are the women I want to focus on. They were all the 'bottom' of society. Two remain nameless. Yet these women were each given a gift and God used them for a greater purpose.

This weekend renewed a friendship that had been neglected.

This weekend gave me that rejuvenated strength and peace. I feel so at home. So at peace. And yet so energized.

Still not sure how & where to start with Mending Hearts, but I need to stop dragging my feet.

Many blessings,

His ways... not ours

An online friend made an announcement today. She miscarried.

Even though she is the mother of several other children, the loss of a child is always devastating. Each child is a blessing from God; a life to be celebrated and cherished. Unfortunately, this family only had a few weeks to enjoy the thrill of being pregnant with new life. Yet one day they will be reunited in Heaven - of that I am sure.

Of course, this brought to mind my own miscarriage a few years ago. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of that child. How old they would be right now. What would they look like. Who would they grow to become. But instead of being sad, I can rejoice in the knowledge - one day I will be reunited with this sweet child. They are EXACTLY who God planned for them to be. My child.

I wrote my friend a quick note to let her know that I was thinking of her & praying for her. I didn't have any magical words that would take away her pain and sorrow. All I could do was simply tell her that she is in my prayers.

I don't pretend to understand why God does He does. It is not for me to understand. I do need to remember that He gives us what we can handle and it is all out of love. If it was up to me, my child would be here with us now. My friend's child would still have a heartbeat and they would be celebrating the birth in a few months. But it's not my way.

It is HIS way...

Many blessings,

Life update

Life has been as hectic as ever. Between The Mayor, the kids, work. I've been on my toes.

It's a busy season right now. Spring is here, which means the beginning of baseball season for Slugger. Work is crazy busy - lots of overtime. Trying to do everything in leaves me overwhelmed and blessed.

The Mayor - school's coming to a close for him. CRCT is here. Then its just 6 weeks before summer vacation. I'd like to say he'll relax, but that's not his style. He'll find something to occupy him. I know he's struggling with questions - where is God leading him. I wish I had the answers for him. Truth of the matter is, only God has the answers. In HIS time all will be revealed. In the meantime, my prayer is that The Mayor can just enjoy the moment.

Songbird - the end of 8th grade is upon us. So many things going on in her life right now. A dance, a trip to Savannah, saying goodbye to her middle school small group, getting ready to meet her high school small group, trip to Panama City Beach. Wonderful things are on the horizon for this precious child of God. Though she struggles with  her place in this world, God continues to place people in her life that help her take the next step. As sad as I am to see this chapter of her life come to a close, I am SO excited to see what lies ahead. What God has planned. Each day, a new page of His story is written on her heart. Her part of His story. I am blessed to be along for the ride.

Slugger - we're coming to the end of his 1st year in middle school. He too is finding his place in life. He's found new passions this year. Sign language club is new. Amazing to see life come full circle. It was at his age that I was engrossed with sign language; contemplating a career in teaching the deaf, mute & blind. Music is a part of his life too. Being in the band has given him a new purpose. He loves music. Getting him to practice is easy. As I said, baseball is upon us. He's having the time of his life. I am amazed at this child. He'll always be my baby, but he's turning into a wonderful young man. God has great things in store for him. Again, I am blessed to be along for the ride.

I turned 40 earlier this week. Nothing monumental. It was a wonderful weekend. Yet another reminder of just how loved I truly am; not just by my friends & family but by Heavenly Father.

I feel something big on the horizon. Not really sure what it is. Part of me is scared, but then there's that other part of me that can't wait what God is bringing us. I pray for strength, wisdom & guidance as He makes His plan clear.

I am content. Some people don't like content. They think that it means life is stagnant. I don't. I think it means I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I am where God wants me to be.

Many blessings,

Mary or Martha??

Insecurity sneaks up on me every so often. Probably more often than I want it to. Unfortunately, when I'm too busy focusing on 'self', I become absorbed with 'self'. I lose sight as to what's important.

And what is important??

I need to be more like Mary -- less like Martha.

Mary? Martha? What am I talking about?

You know; the 2 sisters of Lazarus. Before Lazarus' death, Jesus & his disciples visited. Martha was working up a storm. Cooking, cleaning, organizing.. Mary was no where to be found. Well, she wasn't exactly no where. Instead of taking part in the busyness of the visit, Mary simply sat at the feet of our Savior and listened. Absorbed what he was saying. Which, of course, upset Martha. Who, in turn, pointed it out to Jesus. Jesus then lovingly chastised Martha, saying that Mary had chosen the better part.

Although I am not much of a Martha at home, I do think I am a lot like her. I certainly get caught up in the busyness of my life. Wife, mother, full time dispatcher, middle school small group leader, adult couples small group leader. So many hats; so many places to be; so many Allison's to be.

It's when I focus on being 'Martha' that I lose sight of what is right in my life. I worry to much about the world around me. Striving to be everything to everyone, I forget the most important person -- God.

I need to stop seeking the approval of those around me - even though I love most of them dearly -- and simply focus on the love & acceptance of my Heavenly Father. I can find rest and comfort in Him. Best of all, I can find unending acceptance that I long so much from my friends & family.

My prayer this week is that I learn to be more like Mary. To rest in His words. To be wrapped in His love and peace.

Many blessings,

Christian or Disciple?

I am a Christian. I do not flaunt my faith nor do I hide it. I try to just live it.

I am also human; which means that I am NOT perfect.

This past Sunday, our pastor opened my eyes a little bit more. I have a feeling I wasn't the only one who had their eyes opened. Being a Christian doesn't simply mean 'believing that Jesus is the Son of God'. It is SO much more than that..

In John 13:34-35, Christ reminds us what it really means to be His follower.

³⁴ "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. ³⁵ By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” 

Jesus didn't mean just other Christians. No, I believe He meant EVERYONE! In fact, we are to love one another because GOD loves us. We OWE it to Him.

I need to stop worrying about what others are doing wrong with their lives and focus simply on loving them; faults and all. That's how God loved me when He sent his Son to die on the cross for MY sins. Not just for someone else's. No... He did that for ME. And YOU. And everyone else that has ever walked this Earth.

I am simply to be a disciple of Christ. Nothing more, nothing less. Radical.

So begins this journey...............

Many blessings,

Thrown for a loop

I am at a loss.... I really don't know what to do. I'm trying not to let this get me down; discourage me. But now I'm just not so sure. What if I heard God wrong? Could that even happen?

I've been talking about this ministry for a while now... Mending Hearts. It's been on my heart for a while. God's been whispering to me about it. I took the 1st few steps to get it started... Only to come to a crashing halt!!

Why am I halting? What could possibly have happened?

There's another ministry out there doing the same thing. I'm not naive enough to think I was the 1st one with this idea. Not at all... but it seems to be such a successful ministry - would there be 'room' for Mending Hearts?

Now I'm just not sure. Maybe I heard Him wrong. Maybe there's something else I should be doing? Maybe it was more about me and not really about Him?

I'm not sure what to do.... first thing, hit my knees in prayer. I know there's an answer. I just need to still myself to hear Him.

Many blessings,

Just another whisper

God never ceases to amaze me! I just need to take the time to see what He's got planned.

Tonight at work, I was talking with a co-worker. I can't even remember how we got on the subject, but I started telling her about the ministry I'm trying to get off the ground, Mending Hearts. I just laid it all out there. BAM! All guts on the table.

That's when she shared with me HER whisper that God laid on her heart. We sat just talking about how God showed us the end result - where He wants the ministries to go. How we both weren't sure just how to get these ideas off the ground. She's definitely put in a little more leg work than I have. But it was great to chat with someone who is going through something.... God's whisper.

We started talking about applying for non-profit status, mission statements, board of directors. Who knew I would need a board of directors!!! That's a big undertaking. But I am SO excited to take that next baby step.

You just never know who God is going to place in your life and for what reason.

Yet another whisper from God, this time out of the mouth of a co-worker.

Many blessings,

Loaves & fish

Once again, church made me think.

Yesterday was Strategic Service Sunday. That's when they do a sermon about volunteering at church. Heaven knows I do not need to volunteer in any more places. I've got myself spread out pretty thin as it is.

Our campus pastor spoke about when Jesus fed the 5000 on just 5 loaves & 2 fish. That's one of my favorite stories. I remember as a kid, we would get a plastic bank in the shape of a bread loaf for our extra change. Not quite sure where the money went, but it really didn't matter to me. 

Yet yesterday, I got to see the story in a different light. You see, yesterday our pastor told the story from the little boy's perspective. Here was this young boy, giving all he had over to help feed people. I mean, seriously it was a sweet gesture but did he really think it was going to help?

But it did help... he gave his all and Jesus did something miraculous with it. By the power of God, he was able to multiply that measly meal into a buffet that fed 5000 men, plus women and children.

All God asks of us is for all that we have. It'll be up to Him to do something miraculous.

That just reminds me of volunteering in Transit - the middle school environment. I certainly have not felt equipped to be there. But God just wants me to show up.... He'll do the rest.

So, are you giving Him all that you have?

Many blessings,

Never thought of it that way

I am afflicted with clinical depression. Have been for years. Some days are worse than others. I have been on medication for it for quite some time now.

I used to be ashamed. Felt like I was less than. Weak. Useless. I wouldn't tell anyone that I suffered from depression let alone admit I was on medication. There's a stigma, you know. In general, people think you're weak. In the church, you often hear that you don't pray enough; that you're not close to God.

Thankfully, God brought an amazing friend into my life that helped dispel those myths. She showed me that it in admitting I need help that I can gain strength.

For me, relief comes in the form of a little white pill. 1 & 1/2 of them to be exact. What some people may see as a crutch, I see as a blessing.

A blessing?

Yes, I said a blessing. Why can't God have had man create anti-depressants to help? I mean, we see other medications as blessings, why can't this be?

I know I'll have some out there who will disagree with me. That's OK - we'll just have to agree to disagree. Until you are truly afflicted with depression, you cannot know what it is to be in that deep, dark place that seems inescapable.

Many blessings,

Song of Solomon 6:3

I don't even know how it started... actually as I type this, I just remembered.

It was our 11th wedding anniversary. I decided to be cheesy traditional and buy The Mayor a gift that represented the anniversary. You know, 11th is the STEEL anniversary. I came across a nice wedding band with an inscription inside which read "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine". I liked it, it was in my price range and The Mayor needed a new wedding band (since he had lost so much weight since we were first married).

Here we are, getting ready to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary and we still cling to this Bible verse. In fact, for Valentine's 2012 he had this beautiful painting created just for me.

It's beautiful!!! It was made in the colors of our bedroom. I cannot wait to find a place to display it. It will be a daily reminder of The Mayor's love for me. Of our marriage. Of the struggles we've encountered and the trials we have endured. To think that the word divorce was once in our vocabulary... and now, it's the furthest thing from our minds.

I'm not saying we have a perfect marriage... far from it. But I am saying that we are fully committed to making our marriage work. We have come a LONG way, but still have a way to go.

I love being loved.... I love being The Mayor's wife!

Many blessings,

They really DO love eachother

Songbird & Slugger have a typical sibling rivalry relationship. The moment they wake up in the morning, they argue: who took the remote, who ate the last of the cereal, who's breathing whose air. This usually continues until its time for bed.

I can't say that my sisters & I had the best sibling relationship growing up, so I certainly didn't have unrealistic expectations for my own children. However, as they get older they seem to argue more. I guess hormones will do that.

This week, hope has been restored.

The family came home from school/work the other day. Due to my new work schedule, as they were headed IN the door, I was headed out. I think we had a 10 minute window of hello/goodbye. The Mayor came in the room while I was getting ready and said that Slugger had been physically bullied at school. Some hoodlum boy twisted Slugger's arm behind his back. What makes this worse is that Slugger wasn't the one who told us. SONGBIRD did!! She happened to be in the cafeteria when it happened. Thankfully, she had the wherewithal to inform the school guidance counselor. We have spoken to Slugger about the situation & the school. The incident has been handled.

The moral of my story is that when push comes to shove, my children WILL look out for one another. That is a comfort. I can't always be there (even though they think I have eyes in the back of my head).

Many blessings,

Sovereignty

Satan not only acts within the sovereign permission of God, but also ends up accomplishing the sovereign purposes of God. ~ David Platt, Radical: Taking Back Your Faith from the American Dream

The BFF & I were having a conversation the other day. I think it was more like I was ranting and she was listening. But then she said something profound. She quoted the text above in reference to my rant, but I realized it could be applied to other aspects of my life too.

Like my past. Any one of those things would be enough to drive someone insane. Quite honestly, there was a point where it did. Feeling abandoned; alone. As if no one cared. Hard to see God in the midst of it all. What Satan tried to use to destroy me has been brought to the forefront and will glorify God.

It's not about dwelling on the negative, but focusing on the positive. God's purpose is to reveal His love to the hurting; the suffering. When everyone else has walked out, God is still in our midst.

I try to be honest in this blog. I didn't always sense God's presence. In fact, quite the opposite. That's why I ran. I felt God had deserted me. It wasn't until I was in my 30's that I realized that God had never left. He was actively pursuing me -- even in my times of need. I was just too hurt and angry to hear Him.

That is where Mending Hearts comes into play. An opportunity to have something good come out of something bad.

Focus on God's sovereignty. Try to hear the still small whisper. He is there.

Many blessings,

Consumer vs. Follower

At church last Sunday, Andy spoke about being a consumer vs. a follower of Christ. A consumer merely is a person who says they are a Christian. Then there's a pivotal moment where they give up their life and become a follower.


That got me thinking about my own life; my own walk w/ Christ. When did I become follower, not merely a consumer. I can't pinpoint the date. Maybe it came from maturing in age as well as spirituality. There are still times where I revert back to being a consumer. I think that's only natural.


I've realized that I am more at peace as a follower. I rely more on God and less on myself. Anxiety is less. My abandonment issues are fairly non-existent. You would think I would simply continue to live as a follower.


Truth is, I sabotage things sometimes. I give my cares & worries over to God and then at some point they sneak back into my life. I take them back. It's not that I don't think God can't handle them - I KNOW He can. It's more like I think that they are so insignificant to Him. I mean, He's got a lot more important things to worry about than little ol' me.


Then reality hits me. I am more than just little ol' me when it comes to God. He think I am important. He loved me enough to create me. My problems are monumental to Him as they are to me.


So, I will try to continue to focus on my relationship... focusing on simply being a follower.


Many blessings,

What's your wall?

Today's sermon... I've heard Andy preach on this verse before.

Nehemiah 6:3 I am doing a great work and cannot come down.

For over 15 years, it has been his family's "mantra". This year, I adopt it as mine.

There's a few things in my life that I need to work on, but as he was preaching I automatically thought of the ministry. Man, I'm telling you - Andy was talking TO ME!! What am I waiting for when it comes to this ministry? The right amount of money? The right time?

God's timing is always the right time. If money is needed, He will provide. I just need to take that step of faith. If you want to walk on water, you've got to get out of the boat.

It's time for me to get out of the boat & climb up my wall.

I'm not coming down til that wall is done.

What's your wall???

Many blessings,

Allison