Thursday, January 15, 2015

Wrestling God

I try to be transparent. With my blog. In my life. I think the reason I haven't written lately is because I don't want to be transparent. Being transparent means you have to look inside yourself and take an inventory.

I don't like what I've seen.

I have been wrestling with God for 16 months now. Since the death of my father. It's hard to even admit that. I've been trying to pretend all is right with my world. But it hasn't been.

It doesn't matter why I've been wrestling with him or why I've been angry. What matters most is that I have been.

During these months, I've noticed that my discernment has been "off".

I have found that when I am not focusing on God, my life IS a little off. I made some not-so-smart decisions in life that caused me to lose my job. I've kept people at arms length. I've kept God at arms length.

For the new year, I am jumping in with BOTH feet. Jumping into life. I'm not making resolutions as much as I am making life changes:

1-  I'd like to find a women's Bible Study. I don't want a soccer mom/complain about my marriage bitch-fest. I want a group that delve into the Bible, lift each other up, praying for one another.

2- I want to cultivate the relationships with people in my life. Instead of keeping them at arms length, I want to take a chance and put myself out there.

3- When I get a new job, I am going to be MYSELF. Not some version of myself; a version that I think other people will like, but the person I truly am - regardless of what others think.

4- This is the year for Mending Hearts. I need to stop being so afraid to be successful and just let it happen. It's not MY ministry. It's God's ministry using my story. I have to allow Him to work through me. So many people can be helped. This is what breaks my heart.

This is a journey. The earth keeps spinning. Life keeps living. There's no such thing as stopping life. It continues whether you want it to or not. So - I plan on living the life that God has gifted me with.

Many blessings,