August 16, 1992
Never before have I felt for a guy the way I do for L. It's hard to explain. I love being with him. Everything about him; wonderful. He's been a friend, a companion & a lover; each aspect was just as committed.
When I need a hug or a shoulder to cry on, he's there for me. When I just want to hang out, there he is. When I yearn to be with someone in a physical way, once again, he is there.
I wonder if this is just a fling or if it will turn into something that is experienced by adults.
I'll admit. L was a really nice guy. I met him through a guy I had met at college. From the start, he was straight forward with his intentions. Of course, I thought I could change his mind. We were friends. I wanted more. Clearly I thought he may have been a contender as a husband.
Again, my insecurity and self-loathing came in to play and I did anything and everything to keep him interested. I compromised who I was as a woman. He innocently used me. I say innocently because I don't think it was his intention. He was simply being a guy taking what a girl was willing to give him. The average guy doesn't turn down a sure thing. Yet for me, each time tore away at my heart more and more. A little piece of my soul was destroyed.
Looking back, this was one of the lowest times in my life. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually. It had been a year since my ex had sexually assaulted me and just a few months since another guy & his friend took turns raping me. These guys abused me in such a devastating way. At this point, I had absolutely NO love for myself. I was looking for love, but I was also looking for a way to erase those memories. If I could replace those memories with better ones maybe I'd be ok. But I wasn't. You can't erase memories - especially memories of rape. Those memories are always with you. You won't have flashbacks forever however I will always remember.