Like I said the other day, my next few posts will be journal entries from my childhood. Please keep that in mind when reading them. Know that the reason I am being so transparent with my journal is to show young women that having a man to love you isn't what brings happiness. There's so much more to life than finding a guy. Any names - besides my own - will be shortened to the first initial only.
August 13, 1992
I'm still in love with my ex-boyfriend, D. I want so much to be back with him, but he just won't allow it. He says he doesn't love me that way anymore. I know he does, he's just scared! I am sure my family is a big factor, since they do not even want me to talk to him (after what he did to me). But I forgive him for assaulting me. I trust him again. I think I just want to be with him because I have no one and he gives me a familiar comfort & adoration that I am lacking in my life right now.
This is the first entry in this particular journal. It was written over 23 years ago. My heart just breaks for the young woman on these pages. She was so desperate for love and attention that she was willing to go back to a guy who hurt her - physically, mentally, emotionally & sexually. It had to have been such a low place in her life. The self hate, self loathing is so evident especially in this one entry.
When I look back at this entry I am just so saddened that I was in a place that low. That I cared so little about myself & my self-respect that I was willing to put myself in harm's way. I pray that this entry and those that follow will be read by whoever needs to read them. That God uses this for good in someone else's life. If there is a young woman out there, feeling the same way I want God to reveal himself to them. That the only love that should be pursued is the love of a Heavenly Father.
Thank you for taking a moment to take a glimpse into my life.