Thursday, December 20, 2012

Bear with me

Before I get too far into this post, I'm going to ask you to bear with me. I have a feeling this is going to be all over the place. Mainly because my feelings are all over the place. In my mind, everything makes sense. Not sure how it pans out in verbal formation.

For those who have been following me for a while - or at least if you've read my story - you know that I have a crazy past. By the grace of God and my faith in Him, I have been able to overcome those obstacles and use those dark times as a way to minister to others. Just a few years ago, I was able to send a letter to my youth pastor and offer forgiveness.

However the past few weeks have brought all of those feelings of insecurity, abandonment & fear back to the surface.

A friend was accused of  inappropriate behavior with a minor. My 1st reaction was that he was wrongfully accused. I know this young man. He has a heart for God. I couldn't imagine that he would do something inappropriate. Yet, slowly my 'victim' brain entered the equation. I mean, sure I couldn't imagine my friend doing something so awful, but I also couldn't imagine being a victim who was not believed. Yes, I am fully aware that there are some people in our world who would purposely make up a story, merely for attention purposes.

Because this friend attends the same church as I, church is no longer a safe haven for me. In fact, each Sunday it takes every ounce of strength to make myself go to church. It is not uncommon for me to experience a full-blown anxiety attack, having to run to the restroom to vomit (sorry if TMI). Does it mean I think he's guilty? Not at all... but it brings back all of those feelings of when I came forward with accusations against my youth pastor. No one in the church supported me. I was asked to leave and not have contact with anyone. Church had become a battle field for me. 

I want SO much to support my friend through this horrible time, but I am dealing with so many feelings from my past, I am unable to be objective. 

Ultimately I know that this is all the work of the enemy. He knows my weaknesses. He will expose and utilize them any way possible to stop me from furthering God's Kingdom. The enemy is crafty. He finds the Achilles heel and tries to destroy.

For now,  I need to focus on dealing with these feelings. I can't beat myself up over the fact that they are right on the surface. I simply must cope with them - continue to lean on God and my friends. This is NOT a weakness. Admitting that I am struggling is a sign of strength. 

I ask you for prayers... Prayers as I sort these new again feelings. Prayers for my friend. Prayers for the accuser. Prayers that the truth comes out - no matter what it may be.

Many blessings,