Saturday, October 26, 2013

Peace (for today)

I've been doing a lot of thinking, especially about Mending Hearts. I know I need to get it off the ground. I've known that for a while now. But what I didn't realize is that my story of redemption also includes the redemption of my father. Now to find a way to work his part of the story into the bigger story.

The song that keeps rolling through my mind is a powerful one by Gungor: Beautiful Things.

This song has been speaking to my soul. A constant reminder that God can take the worst and turn it into the most amazing! Daily, he wipes away our mistakes and makes us new - if we ask Him. It's as simple as that.

Ask and you shall receive.

It's sounds so easy yet feels so complicated.

The beauty of change with God is that we don't HAVE to change to be with Him. We change because we ARE with Him. He takes the murkiest parts of our soul, washes them new. As white as snow.

My soul just swells with that knowledge! My heart cries out with joy at the possibilities!

Many blessings,

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Every day is a new normal

... and I do NOT like it one bit

My father has been gone for almost 2 months. Each day, my heart heals a little more. Then something happens and my heart breaks all over again.

I am trying to find a new normal.

Yet each day I am reminded of the things I will miss now that he's gone. Hearing his voice. Sharing a sermon with him. Bragging on my kids. His annual visits. My heart is heavy..

I know I need to take comfort that we will be reunited. My heart knows that.. But my heart just isn't cooperating.

I miss Dad so much. He was such an integral part of my life. One that I thought I had many more years with.

I'll admit, I have gotten to the point where Wednesday is just a Wednesday. Not the day that marks the weeks since my father's death.

My mind plays tricks on me. Thinking that he's still here, I just haven't heard from him in a while. Then I am reminded. And I hurt.

What makes this loss so monumental is how far my relationship with my father had come. Growing up, wanting nothing but the love of my earthly father. Eventually, learning to to lean on the love of my Heavenly Father. Then receiving the love of my earthly father.

Now my earthly father is gone... and I need to lean on my Heavenly Father once again.

This is not an easy road. I won't pretend its easy. I want nothing more but to run & cry. I want so much to be angry. Angry at God. Angry at my father. But I can't. I just cannot be angry.

In the meantime, I'll just take each day as it comes. Wake up, put one foot in front of the other and move on. My memories will always be with me...

Many blessings,