Sunday, March 17, 2013

Another lesson. Really?

I've learned a lot of lessons in my almost 41 years. Most of them have been hard lessons to leave. Heck, sometimes I've had to learn the same lesson more than once.

It's no secret that I take medication to regulate my clinical depression. I'm not here to debate the meds vs. no meds issue. I am usually fairly diligent when it comes to those particular meds. I mean, I may not always finish my antibiotics (once the funk clears up, you're cured, right?). I don't like how I feel when I am not taking them.

Recently, I needed refills. I also need to go to the doctor for a check up to get the refill. Instead of being proactive and making the needed appointment, I decided to play doctor on my own. There's been a time or two when I accidentally missed a dose and nothing happened. I should be ok, right?

Yeah - not so much. Everything came to a halt yesterday. I had a complete meltdown. EPIC! It's been a long time since I've had one. 

Let me tell you I did NOT like that feeling. Complete feeling of being out of control. Brain racing. Zaps. Crying at the drop of a hat. Not good.

What lesson did I learn?

I will not play doctor on my own. I will make sure that I have the necessary meds and take them as directed. It is amazing how great I feel today - after having my meltdown and the meds back in my system. Not over-the-top happy. My normal happy. But compared to my mood yesterday - WOW!

Many blessings,

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

On the other side

As I've said previously, I struggle with clinical depression. I have for many years. I'd like to think it all started in 1994, but deep down inside I know that it started well before that.

During my darker times of depression, I had contemplated suicide. At the time, it seemed like the best way to end the pain that I was in. I truly believed that my friends and family would be better off without. Over time, I have learned that lie is the FURTHEST thing from the truth. My temporary pain may be over, but I would have left behind a wake of heart ache.

Being on the other side of suicide, I have seen the devastation that decision can cause in a family. Those left behind search for answers; why did this happen, how could this have happened, what did we miss.

It breaks my heart to see the aftermath of suicide. Denial, anger. Families trying to make sense of it all. Putting the pieces back together - trying to live life while there is a gaping hole in their lives from the absence of their loved one.

I am so thankful that I never succeeded. Thankful for the new outlook on life. Thankful that my friends and family didn't have to deal with losing me. Thankful that I can live out the rest of my life as an example of God's redemption and love.

Dear friend, if you are in that dark place - reconsider. Talk to someone. A friend, a family member, even a stranger. Dial 911. They can get you some help.

Many blessings,

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Broken not beaten

Last Thursday, I had the opportunity to go to Night of Worship at my church. They do this about 4 times a year. A wonderful opportunity to worship our Heavenly Father, pray together & have communion.

You're asking yourself - ummm... don't you do that EVERY Sunday? Well, yes. We don't celebrate communion every Sunday because it would be difficult to serve it to thousands of people each & every week. As for the music & prayer - hasn't there been a time where you're at church, worshiping and they cut to the sermon. Not saying I don't love hearing the sermon, but sometimes God just speaks to me through music. Plus, for me, its an amazing chance for me to fully let go & just bask in His love.

That's what Night of Worship is for.. for those times when you just need a little MORE worship... gather with others to pray and commune together.

As I've said before, worship is how I connect with God. Music speaks to my heart. The beat, the rhythm, the words. There was just something about this particular night, my heart was breaking. Not sure why. Things have been pretty good. Yet I could FEEL God tugging on my heart. That tightness in my chest.

We sang and tears just came to my eyes. Within seconds, the waterworks begin to flow. Tears streaming down my face. In that moment, I could FEEL the presence of God. There - speaking to me. As the tears flowed, I started to sob. You know that sob.. that "I am in pain & need help" sob. I know my poor husband was confused. I'll admit. I didn't know where it was coming from.

But there I sat...tears streaming, worshiping my Heavenly Father. In an instant, I was overtaken by this amazing sense of peace. My Heavenly Father telling me "I am here child".

A lot happened in that moment. Stuff that I am still trying to sort out in my mind. Need to put it on paper and start working it out.

It was an awesome feeling.... feeling the presence of God right there as you are feeling broken & beaten. I could do nothing but worship Him. For what He has done in my life & what He still has in store for me.

I'll leave you with a song. This one definitely speaks to my heart.

Many blessings,