Monday, April 26, 2010
Normally I wouldn't waste my time on words for you because I seriously doubt you would even read them. If you did, you wouldn't even realize that I was talking to you!
I am tired. I am tired of hearing your name in my home. I am tired of conversations about you & the garbage that you put my child through. I am emotionally drained at the thought that there is someone in this world who, for some reason, does not like my child. I am angry!
I am also sad.... sad for you. Sad because of what your life must be like so that you feel better by bullying someone else. Do you not get enough love at home? Is there something that you don't like about yourself? What hurt you must experience each day that you feel it necessary to inflict hurt on others.
Don't hide behind your pain. The one that you bully is the one who would be your friend. They would be the one who would see the good in you & help you learn to see the good in yourself.
I'm not saying my child is perfect. Hardly.... but my child has a heart, just like you, and it breaks, just like yours does. I ask you to stop & think before you bully. Why make someone else's life miserable just because you are miserable. Get help!
The school year is almost over. You would think that I would get used to hearing your name so frequently. But I don't... I cringe when I hear it because I know that somehow my child has experienced turmoil at your hands.
I'm praying for you... that's all I can do.
A tired mom
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Yeah, so today was day 11. I was doing really well... Honestly, I didn't even realize that I broke abstinence until I got to the 'end'. End of what you might ask.... End of a gigunda bag on Swedish Fish. Ok, so I think I've found a trigger food. Well, it was a trigger food combined with a trigger situation.
I'm not beating myself up over it. I can't. These things happen. I just need to recognized what happen & learn from it. Right now I have SO MUCH more on my mind. Losing abstinence is the least of my worries.
So, tomorrow I start the count again.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Yes, I said GIVEAWAY!!!!
More details to come (gotta hammer them out), so stayed tuned.
I will give you a little sneak peek though:
In the meantime, check out the rest of their product line.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
There's been a lot of press about bullying lately. A sad reality of our society. Picking on someone because they're different in order to feel better about your own short-comings. From Columbine to the recent tragedy of Phoebe Prince, taking her own life because 9 classmates tortured her daily.
I take bullying seriously. I've been a victim of it. Maybe not as much as the stories mentioned above, but it was still enough to wound my self-esteem. That's a whole other blog topic.
Imagine our surprise when we found out that our very own son was inadvertently participating in bullying. Thankfully, it didn't get out of hand yet the poor young man has endured a lot of pain this school year.
The Mayor & I had a LONG talk with Slugger about this. We shared our own experiences of being teased for being different. We encouraged Slugger be a leader we know he is instead of the follower he tends to be. We also reminded him that Jesus would befriend the boy being teased, not Justin and his classmates who have been doing the teasing; reminding him that Jesus' disciples were people who society hated, not the 'religious' men of His time.
Today is a proud moment as a mom. Slugger went to school and befriended the young man who has been teased this year. He took time & talked with the boy only to find out that they have SO much in common. I'm proud of my son.
He still hasn't gotten the courage to tell others about this friendship, but this is a step in the right direction. My son has managed to see this boy in a new light. My prayer is that HE will be able to influence his class.
Another parenting hurdle cleared.... many more to come.
Today's Gift (from Hazelden) read:
Teach me to quiet my mind.
Stop my thoughts from racing
from one thing to another.
Stop me from the obsessive
thinking about the lives of others.
Help me rest and quiet my mind.
Help me let go of trying to control the lives of others.
Free my mind to be at rest.
This I pray.
See, I have no problem going to the store. That's the easy part. The hard part is getting OUT of the store with only the items I went to by. I'm not talking about picking up a few extra groceries. I WISH! Nope, we're talking about sneaking a few binge items, eating them on the way home, then feeling like crap afterward.
Again, God knew what was in my mind. My sponsor called me just as I was heading into the store & stayed on the phone with me while I shopped - helping me resist the temptation.
So today He gave me this prayer. It is SO fitting for me. I meant to apologize to a friend last night for not being supportive. I chickened out. I tried to rationalize it by reminding myself that I haven't gotten to the 'make amends' step yet. But I don't think I need to wait... I guess I should ask my sponsor.
For now, I'm asking God quiet my mind. He's proven to be faithful. I'm SO loved.
Monday, April 19, 2010
We sang this song in UpStreet yesterday. I love it because it's so upbeat & rockin'. What a great way to celebrate my God - jumping up & down, praising His name.
But today this song means SO much more to me. You see, I am in my 5th day of abstinence.
What am I abstaining from? I'll tell you... As you know, I am a compulsive overeater. The past few days I've focused on abstaining from binge eating. Abstinence to a compulsive overeater is the same as sobriety to an alcoholic.
I'm gonna be honest here (aren't I always), this has been the hardest thing I've ever done. For SO long, I've listened to that voice in my head telling me it's ok to eat. It'll make me feel better. Going against that voice, UGH! What a fight!!! It doesn't make me feel better. I usually feel worse. Not only do I STILL have the emotional pain I was trying to drown out, I then have the physical pain of a belly ache.
I still fight the urge to binge. But today I have it over to God and I feel free. They call this the 'honeymoon' period. I need to just take this one day at a time. Don't focus on what tomorrow will bring; just what I'm doing today. One day at a time... sometimes one minute at a time.
And I won't worry about tomorrow
I'm giving You my fears and sorrows
Where You lead me I will follow
I'm trusting in what You say
Today is the day
I'm a long way from recovery... but I am enjoying the recovery I am currently experiencing.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Yesterday, my sponsor read the daily entry to me & it was perfect for what I was going through. I decided to read today's:
Having realistic expectations.
Sometimes we expect much too much of people and things. We will never be happy if we expect our doctor to work instant cures or if we blame our teacher for what we failed to learn. We need to examine what's realistic to expect of others and what we are responsible for ourselves. It's the same with the program: We cannot judge its effectiveness by whether we are happy all the time.
The program will be perfect only when we are perfect. We must let go of our childish all-or-nothing attitude and become more realistic. After all, when were we ever happy all the time?
Do I expect too much?
Higher Power, when I am unhappy
with the program, help me be honest
with myself about where the problem lies.
Do you think God is trying to tell me something? I think He heard me yesterday. While I didn't PHYSICALLY cry out "HELP", I did cry out on paper.
I expect too much. I expect perfection from myself. There is no room for error. Everyone else around me can make mistakes & I accept them. But for me to make a mistake - bite your tongue. It's not because I see myself as perfect - SO not the truth. It's because I do not like to show my weakness & vulnerability to others; my Achilles Heel. HATE IT!!
Which is kind of funny since I seem to be REALLY vulnerable when it comes to these entries. That's because it's fairly anonymous. I mean, how many of you to I REALLY see on a day-to-day basis. Not many. So it's easier to be vulnerable to you.
Today, I'm working on abstinence. I learned yesterday that not everyone has the same definition of abstinence, and that's ok. Right now, abstinence for me is calling my sponsor, making other daily calls & writing my food. If I don't binge, that's a bonus.
4/15/10 thankful list
~ went to WalMart without buying crap food to binge on
~ the ability & strength to only eat 1/2 of my dinner
~ wonderful friends & family who support me
Thursday, April 15, 2010
I have to write about what's going on. Why I'm so angry with a friend over a decision that has NOTHING to do with me. I think it's about control.
My mind knows that I am trying to take back control (or at least try to give the control over to God) with this eating disorder. It's fighting me every step of the way. I feel insane quite honestly. I mean, who argues with their MIND?!?!?! The insane, that's who.
I started out this week wanting to do an honest program. My 1st day into it, I lied. Well, lying isn't exactly it. I hid – which means I didn't work the program – which means I wasn't being honest. So, I need to be honest. Want honesty?
I HATE that I have this disease. I hate that I've let things get SO out of control. I'm angry with myself for getting to this point. But I'm tired of being angry with myself. I need a scapegoat. I guess that's why I was SO angry with my friend. She was my scapegoat. Easier to get mad at her for making a bad decision than to face my own crap.
God I've been doing this all my life. I'd rather fix everyone else than to try and fix myself. It's not that I don't think I need fixing. I KNOW I need fixing. It's just that if I work on myself, then I need to deal with the junk. When I deal with the junk, I don't want to go into a depression.
But my sponsor said that this sleeping all day thing IS a form of depression. I guess she's right. I'm not motivated, which is sad because I have so many things I COULD be doing. I could meet up with friends for coffee or a walk, I could have gotten off my ass and enrolled in school like I've been wanting. But I'm scared. Not scared of failure – I can do that well. I think I'm scared of succeeding. If I succeed, then people will notice. If people notice, then I'm noticed.
As much as I want to be the center of attention, I don't like it. Because then all eyes are on me. Judging me, critiquing me. I've always thought I was a bit of a wall flower. Blending into the woodwork. Today proved me wrong.
It's my birthday. I thought only family & CLOSE friends would notice. But more than that noticed. People that I went to kindergarten with have sent birthday wishes. My best friend from grammar school sent me a text wishing me a happy birthday.
I think there are days (more often than not) that I still feel that I am not worthy of people's love & attention. That's where I am right now. Why don't I call my sponsor everyday? Because I shouldn't be THAT important. No one should have to take time out of their day just for me. But she doesn't HAVE to; she wants to. People in my life don't HAVE to love me, they choose to love me.
I need to start loving myself. I need to truly give this over to God, each day. I cannot do this alone. I have no problem giving other parts of my life to God, yet for some stupid reason, I'm hanging on to this part. Is it the control? Or is it something deeper? Could it be that I really don't feel that God should love me? Yet He does love me. Not because He has to, but because He WANTS to. I am His child. Just like my earthly father loves me, my Heavenly Father loves me even more. He sent his son for me. Yet, holding on to this piece of my life is like a slap in the face.
Sure God, I trust you with my family, friends & finances, but let me hold on to the food thing. This is too big for me to handle. But it's the right size for GOD to handle.
This is going to be tough. I am seriously fighting this. As I sit here & write this, my brain is screaming at me to stop. To stop thinking and seeking. Why? Why does it want me to stop? Because it wants to keep the control. It's SLOWLY losing control. Is it my mind.... could it be a foothold that Satan has found? Has he found a way into my head... he can't ruin my marriage anymore, or my family. I'm blessed with godly friends who truly care. I'm taking back the power that my abusers took from me. Satan is scrambling to keep control.
I will not allow it.... I cannot allow it. If I am going to give God control of my life then I need to give Him TOTAL control to every area of my life. Not just the parts I pick & choose.
And so I continue the journey.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Or is it really? When you're honest, then your secrets no longer have power.
I went to my meeting tonight. Man, I needed it. Listening to a passage in the Lifeline, my eyes were opened. I am honest (to a point) about my addiction. Sure, I can scream it from the rooftops "My name is Allison & I am a compulsive over eater". I'm doing the homework my sponsor has asked of me (most of the time). But I have NO problem finding excuses as to why I don't call her every day or why I don't make 3 other daily phone calls.
Why haven't I started a meal plan? Because I need to fix the mental & spiritual before I can fix the physical. What a load of crap! That's the disease talking again. Sadly, the disease as the same voice as I do so sometimes I have a hard time recognizing it.
So, I'm going to be honest with you tonight. I need to start a food plan. I've got all the Weight Watcher tools that I'm going to need (thanks to my mother-in-law). Now I just need to read it, figure it out & start it. NO MORE EXCUSES!
I need to call my sponsor DAILY!! Whether she or I have company. Again - NO MORE EXCUSES!
I need to make a few other phone calls each day. Not just for them, but for me. Don't worry about 'interrupting'. If someone can't talk, they'll tell me. If they don't call back, it's not personal. NO MORE EXCUSES!!
I need to hang with God more. Not just when it's convenient for me... always. He is my strength that I need to overcome this battle. NO MORE EXCUSES!
Please feel free to check on me... feel free to email me (or call if you have my number) and check up on me. The more people holding me accountable, hopefully the more honest I'll become. This is a disease of isolation. I don't want to be isolated anymore.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Crazy when you think about it, but it's SO true. Just like a drug addict is addicted to drugs & an alcoholic is addicted to alcohol, I am a compulsive over-eater addicted to food. Food is my addiction.
Food addicts hit rock bottom too. Our addiction affects our friends & family just like any other addict. But being a food addict isn't as recognized as other addictions are.
Watching Dr. Phil yesterday, the topic was The Ultimate Fat Debate. Is there such a thing as a healthy overweight person? The only person who made ANY sense to me was Kelly Osborne. Yes - Ozzy's daughter. She came right out and said that some people have the drive & determination to lose weight, but can't because it's an addiction. It's a mental thing. That is SO true.
I so desperately want to lose weight. I don't want to be this size anymore. I don't want young kids to ask their parents why I'm so fat anymore. I don't want to gasp for air as I walk up stairs. I know that Weight Watchers works.... and I can change my lifestyle all I want. But I need to change my BRAIN before I can make any other LASTING changes. I need to deal with the mental garbage.
Am I saying that ALL overweight people struggle with a mental thing? Not at all. There isn't ONE answer for ALL people. We all have our own issues. What I am saying is that more & more people DO struggle with their weight because of life issues. It's not about self-control.
So, I am here to say that I am an addict. You are a part of my journey to beat my addiction. There is NO cure; no magical pill or diet. There is only abstinence. It's a day to day thing. Each day brings a new issue. I ask for understanding as I battle this. Because it is a BATTLE.
Thank you for being a part of this.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
The imagery is powerful. You don't have to read the subtitles to understand what's going on. Watching Jesus get beaten by the Roman soldiers was enough to bring tears to my eyes.The look on Mary's face was heart wrenching as she watched her child endure the torture.
Yet it is with a joyful & love-filled heart that I watch that movie.... Christ endured all of the humiliation, pain & torture for me. He died on that cross so that I could have eternal life.
#1 ~ *Shey*[B] - Camera Strap Slipcover
I cannot decide which color I like better... Gray & Mustard Damask OR Henna. Actually, I'd be perfectly happy with either one as long as there is extra padding. I first saw this item featured over at McMama's blog & fell in love immediately.
#2 ~ Ginger Garrett books
I've said it time & time again, Ginger Garrett is one of my FAVORITE contemporary Christian authors. The 1st book I read was The Chosen: The Lost Diaries of Queen Esther and I've been hooked ever since.
#3 ~ Take 3 by Karen Kingsbury
I've read the first 2 books of this series and cannot wait to read this one. Karen Kingsbury has become my 2nd favorite contemporary Christian author.