Yikes! Too many life lessons.

Yeah - I've been a slacker, especially when it comes to updating my blog. Sorry.

I'd love to say that all has been great with me. Don't get me wrong - nothing serious has happened. God's really been piling on the life lessons lately.

Lesson #1: NOTHING is beneath me

I've been out of work for over a year now. Searching tirelessly online for a job. Got to the point where I'd apply for just about anything. Taco Bell was looking like a good career. Christmas is coming and the money would really come in handy - especially with unemployment running out. Then came the call - from WalMart. An interview. Ok... what could going to an interview hurt. I went. I was offered a job.

I pasted on a smile & headed to my 1st day at WalMart. Yet inside I went kicking & screaming. Seriously? WalMart? God wanted me to work at WalMart! Is this some kind of sick joke? God really has a GREAT sense of humor & He's using it at MY expense. That's the furthest from the truth. God provided. We asked for a job and that's exactly what He did. He gave me a job. One that would help my family through the holidays & even give us a little extra. Who was I to think that I was 'too good' to work at WalMart. Honestly, I'm enjoying it! It's a carefree kind of job there in the bakery (yeah, that's a whole OTHER lesson).

Lesson #2: I AM a food addict

If you're familiar with my blog, you've read that I am a food addict. I am a compulsive overeater. I have come to terms with my disease - for the most part. Getting a job in a BAKERY was yet another 'sick' joke. Sure - I wanted a job. But why put a compulsive overeater/food addict to work in a BAKERY! I was scared. I mean, frosting & croissants are a weakness of mine. I'll say it - they're a BINGE food.

Yet, I haven't had the desire to binge on either. Not a single temptation. I think maybe its because I was honest about my fear with friends at my meetings. I didn't hide it. Those who love me check up on me to see how I'm doing at this job.

Lesson #3: My body talks to me

All of our bodies talk to us. When you're hungry, when you're hot/cold... God's designed us that way. It is up to US to listen to our bodies & give it what it needs. I haven't been listening to my body. You know, when it tells me I'm full. I'm beyond full. Ok, I'm gonna explode if I put one more thing in my mouth.

Thanksgiving was the perfect example. I was smart about the day. Small breakfast, very light lunch in preparation for the feast that awaited me. However, seeing ALL of that food. I took a little bit of everything - even the vegetables. And I ate every speck of food on my plate. And then some. And then some more. Even dessert. And a 2nd piece of dessert. Yep - that did me in.

I got SO full that my body decided to revolt against my gluttonous feast. I ate until I puked. That was the 2nd time in 3 weeks that I had gotten to that point (that I can recall). So now, I've realized that my body talks to me and I HAVE to listen to my body. When it is hungry, eat. When it is full, STOP!

What life lessons are you learning?

Many blessings,
Allison

Insecurity

My insecurities got the best of me for a moment and I had a bit of a meltdown today.

The Mayor & I having been leading a couples small group for the past few years. Our last small group disbanded in the spring and we've decided to gather up another group. It is important to 'DO LIFE' with people. As much as I want to be in a small group, the thought of finding new 'people' is not something I'm too thrilled about.

Starting a new group means having to put myself out there again. Exposing my vulnerabilities. I know I don't HAVE to, but in order to have a genuine group experience it is important to be transparent. I don't have a problem being transparent - hence this blog. It's just being transparent to people in person.

Besides my best friend has been in the same small group with me for 4 years. This will be the 1st one without her. Just not the same. Yet I know that it is important that I do this. It is beneficial for my Christian walk.

Tonight is a social at my house. Great idea in theory. However the execution is enough to send me into a tizzy. The thought of new people being in my house for the 1st time. I mean, what if my house isn't clean enough? What if it isn't nice enough?

Yeah - that's the enemy talking. Creating doubt so that I have a miserable time. Creating panic & anxiety so that I'll binge eat. That's my usual M.O. - life gets tumultuous, EAT!

People aren't coming to judge my home. They are coming because they honestly want to join a couples small group. They want to get together with other Christians, study God's word & make friends. It's not about my house or me. It's about God.

Then, of course, tomorrow is 9/11. That's another thing that sends me into a downward spiral. The events of that day will forever be etched in my mind. Yet, my sponsor reminded me while tomorrow is a sad day; a day of remembrance, I need to remember that my family is still here. I have my husband and children. My father is alive & well. Do not focus on what 'could' have happened. Celebrate the here & now.

I've been talked down from my ledge of insanity. I did not binge. Oh, I SO wanted to. The thoughts of chocolate frosting were dancing in my mind like Mikhail Baryshnikov in a Russian ballet. Going to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things for tonight, it took every ounce of strength to NOT go down the cake & frosting aisle. I could have... but I didn't.

I want to keep my abstinence.

Many blessings,
Allison

Thinking out loud

Usually only my husband is privileged to experience my 'thinking out loud'. Today YOU get the experience.

I just read an article on Yahoo about a new TV show called "Mike & Molly".

The premise of this show is 2 adults who find romance at their local Overeaters Anonymous meeting.

As a plus-sized woman, I guess I should be happy that there is yet another show about plus-sized people. All too often Hollywood portrays 'beautiful' as a stick-figured woman with plastic lips, boobs, butt. However, as someone who actively participates in OA meetings, I fear that this show is going to do more harm than good.

How can that be? Am I just freaking out about my own insecurities?

I'd love to think that a show like this would call attention to the growing problem of food addiction. People will flock to the OA rooms in hopes of finding help. Instead, I fear that OA is just going to become another 'meat market' for those who are in the market for a 'fatty'.

Overeaters Anonymous is for ALL eating disorders; food addiction, bulimia, anorexia, obesity.

Yes, I am open about my struggles with food, but not everyone is. For some people, the OA meeting is the ONLY place they can openly talk about their battle with this disease. Will the OA meetings remain a safe place?

Who am I to decide if someone attending an OA meeting is genuine? Still scares the crap out of me. I feel vulnerable. Almost as if I'll be exposed. Yet I openly talk about my issues here... but that's on MY terms. Is that what this fear is all about?

I just don't know... I won't boycott the show (just yet). I want to watch it & see what its really about before I weigh in more. Right now, I'm just addressing my insecurities.

Many blessings,
Allison

My revelation

Meditation: Voices of Recovery for August 16, 2010 - pg. 229

Another gentle reminder that I need to relinquish control DAILY and leave it with my Heavenly Father. Yes, my life may feel as though it is spiraling out of control, bu t the truth is God has everything under HIS control. I am just a passenger on this crazy drive called Life.

In real life, when the family goes on a long trip, I usually fall asleep. Mainly because I am tired, but also because I am not the one doing the driving - I am not the one in control. I have been asleep most of my life, allowing my disease to have the control. Now, I need to give that control over to God and enjoy the ride.

Just like on any road trip there will be detours, but God can make those detours manageable.

Many blessings,
Allison

Believing He will carry me

The Mayor, Songbird & Slugger are officially back to school. BFF & her family are officially in Iowa. I am officially an emotional mess!

I feel SO needy right now and I HATE that feeling. It's just another form of feeling out-of-control. We all know how great I am at that!

For the most part, my food has been good. I've managed to eat my 3 meals and not binge. Did have a little slip up, but nothing that resulted in a catastrophic binge.

However, today has been the hardest for me emotionally. It was really weird not seeing BFF & her kids at church. A reminder of this new chapter in my life that I am not actively seeking; it's been thrust upon me.

It feels even more strange to tell people that I am upset because my best friend moved. Man, that sounds SO high school. It looks stupid even as I type it out. Yet I feel abandoned. I know I'm not. BFF is just a phone call away - of course I'm coming up with every excuse I can think of to not 'bother' her. My pathetic attempt to pull away. Then, of course, if a friend can't meet for Starbucks or go to a meeting with me, I sink even LOWER into my pity party. Clearly they don't want to be around me.

Foolish, foolish thinking on my part... really, it's my diseased mind talking. Attempting to convince myself that eating or sleeping away the pain is the best course of action. That is SO tempting too.... But I can't allow that to happen.

I feel fragile right now... emotionally; spiritually. I am trying really hard to cling to God. Trying to not close my heart to what lies ahead. Knowing that HE will see me through this. This is all a part of His plan; I just need to trust & jump in His arms. He will carry me...



And THAT is what I needed to hear....

Many blessings,
Allison

I am ok

It's official... the kids are back to school. Slugger couldn't wait and Songbird was a panicked mess. All in all, I'm expecting it to be a good day.

I've been nervous about what this day would bring for me. I am alone in the house. There is no one here to chat with (besides Pablo) or entertain me (besides Pablo). This is when I usually do one of two things:

• endlessly eat
• endlessly sleep & forgetting to eat

Since both would require me to break my abstinence, I've been hard pressed to NOT do either.

I'll admit, I DID nap this morning. And it felt WONDERFUL!!!! Sure, there were probably a million things I COULD have been doing instead, but I just wanted to take this morning to nap. Recharge.

Now I'm ready to go. Well, mentally I'm ready to go. I've had my breakfast. I've just finished my lunch. Need to hop into the shower & run a few errands.

Kristin's moving away this week too. For the first time in my life, I have NOT pushed someone away as they prepare to leave. I'm sticking this out and dealing with the pain. It's not the end of a friendship. Hardly. It's just the end of this chapter in our lives. I hesitantly look forward to the next chapter & what God has in store for BOTH of us. We came into each others when we needed a friend. I am blessed that I can help send her off.

My verse for today:

"My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." ~ 2 Cor. 2:9
This truly applies to ALL areas of my life. It is when I am weak that God's strength shines through. Today I will not wallow in my weakness. I will revel in God's strength.

Many blessings,
Allison

Clarity

One of the many benefits of doing program is the amount of thinking I get to do. Not that I didn't think BEFORE this, but you know what I mean.

I've got to dig deep at the "WHY"s. Why do I binge? Why do I react this way? It's a lot of self-discovery.

Granted, it's not always wonderful, fluffy self-discovery. Most of the time is raw emotions that bring up feelings of inadequacy. Yet occasionally there is a glimmer of hope. A ray of sun in the dark forest of emotions. There are still times where I don't feel as though I fit in. Maybe that's just a part of being human. I don't know. But I do know that this is the first time I am dealing with it without stuffing my face about it.

I like my life. I am truly blessed with what God has given me. My husband, my children, my family, his family & friends. Truly my cup runneth over. So often, we compare our lives to the lives of others and think that they have a better life. I'm guilty of that. Yet, when I stop to REALLY look at my life I realize that I have a good life.

I'm unemployed right now and I hate it. I've been working since I was 14 so this has been tough for me. Yet, I've been able to enjoy a summer with my husband & children while looking for a job. I've been able to build a stronger marriage and make deposits into my children's lives that I wouldn't have normally been able to do.

My marriage needs work. I'd be foolish to think that it didn't. One thing I've discovered is that I WANT to work at my marriage. When I stood at that alter in front of God, family & friends, I promised that I would do this 'until death parts us'. There have been times where divorce or separation seemed like the better option. I am SO glad that we stuck it out. Those 2 words are no longer a part of my vocabulary. I am with Craig through thick & thin. We have seen some great times, but we have also survived some horrible times. No one ever tells you that marriage is hard work. Let me be the 1st - MARRIAGE IS HARD WORK!!!! But it is SO worth the effort.

I'm learning how to respond better to my children. To stop & take time to listen. I'm learning so much about them because I've had the opportunity to SEE them. They are turning into beautiful human beings with gifts of their own. Yeah - they have their moments of selfishness; we all do. But they also have hearts of gold that have been cultivated by their relationships with our God. Slugger is creative and methodical. He has a one track mind. Whether its reading, Legos or video games; he puts his all into it. Songbird is imaginative & playful. She has a heart for music & loves to express herself through song. She has a gift for playing with little children - like the Pied Piper.

This is a just small glimpse of what I've learned... it hasn't been an easy road of discovery. I'm sure there is SO much more to come. But I cherish each lesson that I've learned.

Many blessings,
Allison

Allison unplugged

A recent assignment has given me a lot to think about. Just how much of ME is wrapped up in this disease.

For SO long, I have hidden behind a facade of who I really am. You'll either meet 'wallflower Allison' OR 'jokester Allison'. The sad truth is neither is the REAL me. What's even worse, I'm not quite sure who the real me is.

Wallflower Allison has been around since elementary school I think. I had a handful of friends. Tried not to make waves. You know, you recognize the name, but need to look it up in the yearbook to see exactly who I am. I was the tall, gangly girl. I should have played basketball, but I didn't. I also didn't see the potential that I had.

Then came Jokester Allison. Always laughing & smiling. Looking like I'm up to no good. I'll usually put myself down in a funny way, just to get a laugh. I'm the one guys would be 'just friends' with. I SO wanted to fit in...

Both are pieces of me, but not the real me. I've been hiding for as long as I can remember. First, because of the lack of relationship with my dad. Then, because I didn't want anyone else to hurt me. Eventually, because I didn't want anyone to see the horrible pain my heart was in.

I've hidden myself from the world... most importantly, I've hidden myself from my husband, children, family & friends. I've played the victim in certain areas of my life so that I could ignore the truth of my life. I have battled this disease in some form since high school. Attempting to control what I ate, when I ate in an attempt to feel in control. Now my life is out of control because of the 'imaginary' control I was trying to attain.

So, how do I become the real Allison; the Allison that God intended me to be? Slowly & lovingly. Each day I ask God to work in me in each aspect of my life - not just the disease. Quite honestly, EVERY area of my life is touched by this disease in some way.

It's an uphill battle, but one that I don't have to do alone. Every day, God puts me in contact with someone who will help me in my journey. Friends, family & fellow program followers who speak wisdom into my life. What's even better is that every day, I ask God to speak truth into my life.

Slowly, I am learning that I DO have worth. As I gain self-worth, others will be able to see the real me.

I'm excited to see who I become.

Many blessings,
Allison

Willing to be willing

Big realization today. You know, a light bulb moment.

I've been doing program half-assed. Deep down, I guess I've known for a while, but I am now finally willing to admit it out loud. Reading chapter 5 in the AA big book has been eye opening. I need to stop expecting perfection & focus only on my progress. And I have made AMAZING progress. I can't remember the last time I binged.

I consistently have 3 REAL meals a day, making wise choices most of the time. Yes, I call my sponsor at least once a day, but I do not make my other calls regularly. I need to stop thinking about the 'what ifs' and just call. If it's not a good time, they'll tell me.

I'll read occasionally, especially when my sponsor has given me an assignment. But other than that, nothing. I haven't been journaling the way I should either. Every day I think of my 3 positives, but seldom write them down. No quiet time with God either.

I've made 2 calls so far today. Left 1 message & spoke with the other person. I jumped out of my comfort zone & called 2 people that I have never called before, but always wanted to. As uncomfortable as it was to dial the phone, it felt great after because I did step out.

Heavenly Father, thank you for not giving up on me even when I had given up on myself. Thank you for the gentle reminders of your love. Help me to be willing to work this program the way YOU want me to work it. Even when I fall, remind me that I can't give up. Thank you for bringing people into my life who genuinely want to see me succeed in this program.

I commit to:

• reading daily from the AA big book at least 4 pages.
• doing my assignments in a timely manner
• hitting my knees in prayer daily BEFORE noon
• journaling daily - either in my journal or on my blog
• calling 3 people daily, other than my sponsor.

Thankful 7/23/10

~ relaxing vacation
~ renewed commitment
~ my sponsor for letting me figure this out at my own pace

Many blessings,
Allison

I am NOT in control

Craig has been out of town with 1200 high school students in Panama City, FL. I know that God is doing amazing things in the hearts of those students & the volunteers that are with them.

I've been doing well on my own. Kids went camping for the 1st time. We've managed to eat most meals at home. Granted, they certainly were not GOURMET meals, but they had some nutritional value.

I have been feeling lonely though. Yesterday, I did NOT want to get out of my pjs. Slight depression setting in. Thankfully, my wonderful friend, Kristin, invited us for dinner so I had no choice but to shower & get dressed. But last night... feeling as if life was out of control, I binged. I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew that the binge wasn't going to take that depression away, but I felt as though I was in control. If I wanted to eat 3 chocolate bars, then I could - and did.

Did my depression go away afterward? Nope... and I knew it wouldn't. But I will admit that the chocolate certainly tasted yummy as I ate it.

Today we ventured out of the house & went to the movies. Free movie Tuesday at a local theater. The place is ALWAYS packed!!! I don't do well with crowded places, but this wasn't too bad. It was the AFTER that made me shut down emotionally.

We (Kristin & I) decided to take the kids to lunch at Chik-Fil-A. There's a play place there so what better place to go. Food & entertainment for one low price, right?!?!? Apparently, everyone else at the free movie had the SAME idea. We actually had to WAIT for a table. Needed 6 seats, only got 4. I don't cope well with chaos. Then, we let the kids play in the play place and WE went in. Another BAD idea for me... all those kids yelling in one small place. It was hot & sticky in there..... no air & lots of nasty little feet. Throw in some STUPID (yeah, I said stupid) cog toy that made a HORRIFIC noise while it was spun; my brain shut down. I couldn't concentrate. Tunnel vision began.

Poor Craig called right as we got in the car & I had a total meltdown. We're talking tears-a-streaming, snot-a-flowing meltdown. I hate having the kids see it, but it won't scar them, right? It's ok for them to see me as a human and not SUPER MOM, right? Of course, Craig feels helpless because he's in Florida and we're here. I've learned to appreciate him more. I realized that so much of my day is made easier because I have an amazing husband.

With Craig's urging, the kids gave me some "ME" time once we got home. I took a nap. I'd love to say that I woke refreshed, but that's not the case. I did awake with a resolve that I needed a meeting MORE than I needed Zumba.

So, with the help of my wonderful friend, Amy, I dropped the kids off with her. Then my fantastic friend, Lisa, picked me up and drove to the meeting. It's EXACTLY what I needed. To be surrounded by people who 'get' me. I didn't share anything profound nor did I learn anything profound, but I still got something out of it. A gentle reminder from God that I am not alone. That all I need is to simply be WILLING. He'll do the rest.

Tonight, I am willing to let God work in my life.

Thankful List 6/29/10

1. Friends perfectly placed by God
2. Willingness
3. The love of my husband & children

Many blessings,
Allison

It's a new day...

I've been inspired today. Not quite sure why. Maybe it was the realization (again) that I am in the clutches of a powerful disease and the ONLY way to take away the power is to FULLY give it over to God.

I have been too focused on what I cannot control - to the point of utter frustration. I had my meeting tonight. Let me tell you, had I not been the leader tonight, I would have went home. The sliding doors at the meeting location were broken. So, I begrudgingly walked around to the back of the building to get in. No big deal, right? I mean, every other time the stupid sliding glass doors were broken, the back door was where we needed to go. NOT TONIGHT!! Nope, those doors were locked TOO! So were the next set of doors right next to them.

There I am, ANGRY as all heck, wheeling the material for the meeting and I'm ready to just go home. Well, not go RIGHT home - no, I was going to stop at Wally World for a little binge. I was willing (or at least contemplating) to give up my continued abstinence because a DOOR wouldn't open. Really? Seriously??

I called my sponsor who calmed me down & then saw a program friend and walked in with her. Did I really get that upset because a door wouldn't work? Because a door didn't open the way I expected it to?

Earlier in the week, I got upset because my expectations of people weren't being met. Yep, that's right. MY eating is out of control, so let me try to control those around me. That works!!! (NOT)

Tomorrow is a new day. I have remained abstinent, but need to really get back with the program. It's not just about maintaining my abstinence. It's about working the Steps. It's about connecting with God and working through this TOGETHER - not alone. I am not alone in this. I have my husband, children, family & friends, but most of all I have God. He will never leave me or forsake me.

Thankful list (6/20/10)

1. A loving & supportive husband
2. A safe place to talk about my disease
3. Opportunity to spend time with my children

Many blessings,
Allison

I am NOT alone

This was in my inbox today:

Many of us, in trying to run away from our essential aloneness, have abused alcohol, work, drugs, food, money, and entertainment. In spite of our frantic activity, we have continued to feel "alone in a crowd," "alone in our dreams," and "lonely in our marriages."

These experiences should prove we cannot successfully avoid coming to terms with our aloneness. The sooner we accept responsibility for our lives, the sooner we will stop inflicting unnecessary pain on ourselves.

In accepting our aloneness, we accept that no one can protect us from ourselves - and that no one can live our lives for us. "Aloneness" simply means that we cannot depend on others for our joy or sorrow. We are the authors of our actions, attitudes, and experiences and not the "victims" of fate or circumstance.

Today I will not be afraid of my aloneness. I will accept total responsibility for my attitudes, actions, or neglects. I will not seek unnecessary pain by relying on what others say or do to make me happy.

Normally, I love the interesting little tidbits that arrive in my inbox from Hazeldon. But not this one.

Our disease is what isolates us. But we do not HAVE to be alone in this. We have our program friends and some of us are blessed to have our family.

If I am honest with my sponsor & fellow OA friends, I do not have to be alone. I can rely on their support, love & understanding.

If I am open with my husband, I am not alone. Granted, he cannot fully understand my battle, but he can certainly give me the love & support needed persevere.

Most of all, we have God. They're right, no one can protect me from myself... no one here on earth. But God can! If I am walking with God during my recovery, I am not alone. He will protect me from myself & my disease.

It's a new day for me and I plan to make the most of it. I will not be 'alone' today!

Many blessings,
Allison

I am SO angry

It's not a good night for me. I broke abstinence without even realizing it. To make matters worse, once I realized it, I kept on breaking it. Why? Because I am ANGRY!

Initially, I broke my abstinence because I was frustrated; frustrated with my daughter. For the past few weeks, she has been so nonchalant about her homework. "Oh, I didn't do it - oh well." After we punished for for over a week, she did it again. Really? What are we doing wrong? What will it take to get her to listen?

So, I head to my meeting (while Zumba is on a break I've been attending a Tuesday night meeting). On the way there, I stopped off for a soda. Then I decided to 'treat' myself - BAD IDEA! I ate the entire package of mini chocolate donuts. I had just had dinner - not hungry at all. In fact, I was quite satisfied. But I ate those donuts anyway. At meeting, we read something which totally clicked for me. I mindlessly ate because I was frustrated.

To make matters worse, I learned that my very best friend is heading to Iowa. Her husband is in the running for a job there. So they are going to check things out. Of course, I need to be brutally honest! I told her that I hope she had a safe trip, but hope she hated it and that she couldn't find a house. Great friend I am, right??? Later I apologized to her. She said she was thankful for my honesty - I still felt bad.

I came home, ate an ice pop, waited for my husband to go to bed. Then I ate a chocolate chip cookie and a bowl of cereal. Why? Because I am sad. I feel like my life is spiraling out of control and the only thing that I can control is what I eat.

How foolish! I am NOT in control of my food. My disease is. I've taken that control back from God and given it right back to my illness. Really?? Again? Am I feeling any better now that I've eaten? Nope!!! I feel sick to my stomach from OVER eating and those feelings are still there - combined with the feelings of knowing that I broke abstinence.

Here's to tomorrow!

Many blessings,
Allison

Being present

This was in my inbox the other day. It's exactly what I needed to 'hear' too! I love when that happens.

Being Present
Reality can be a difficult place to live. Sometimes it seems impossible to stay in the here and now.
From time to time we all revisit the past and yearn for the future. This is natural.
Being present every minute of the day is impossible for anyone.
Still, we can strive to be present for as many minutes as we can. We strive for progress, not perfection.
Today, am I doing what I can to be present?

Thought for the Day
A small dose of reality is better than no reality at all.

As much as I don't like to dwell on my past, sometimes it is a little easier to live back there. I mean, I was SO much thinner then. In my mind, I was SO much happier too! Not to mention, I wasn't dealing with my eating disorder head on, the way I am right now.

BUT so much of my past is responsible for my eating disorder. As a teen, I purposely didn't eat or vomited to stay thin. I was obsessed with being 'skinny'. After dealing with all the sexual abuse that I went through, I began eating as a way to hide my feelings - and myself.

So I NEED to stay in reality. That's what is going to get me healthy. Yes, I'll be dealing with my past, but bringing it to the forefront so that I can overcome this disorder. I'll never be cured, but I will be in recovery. THAT is my reality!!!

Many blessings,
Allison

BEWARE: defiant child on board

I'm still hating my disease. In fact, I'm hating it SO much that I have been utterly defiant today.

• My sponsor asked me to call her before 1pm today. I called her at 2:15. Why? Because I wanted to, that's why. I was going to do what I wanted to do. Too bad!
• For lunch, I decided that I was going to eat a bowl of chocolate ice cream w/whipped cream. Why? Because I can eat whatever I want to eat for my lunch. Too bad!
• I didn't leave the house until 3:30 today to start my errands. Why? Because I can start my errands whenever I want to start them. Too bad!

Yep.. Here I am, a 38-year old grown woman deciding to be defiant just because I can. I know why I am doing this. Battling this disease, I feel like I'm losing control. So, I am going to control whatever miniscule aspects of my life that I can.

I need to constantly remember that while I am 'losing' control, I am giving that control over to God; not to my disease. My disease is the part of me that is freaking out over losing control.

My life is unmanagable! I cannot do this alone. I am SO tired of letting the food have control over my life. It's time I take back that control, give it over to God. TOGETHER, I can get through this.

But it's one day at a time. Maybe right now, I need to just let it be one hour at a time. Whatever I need to do to get through this.

I have a new abstinence. Yes, I will continue to not binge/overeat. I also need to commit to having 3 meals a day. No more of this if I skip breakfast & lunch, I can have a bigger dinner. That doesn't do ANYTHING to help curb the binges. That only adds to the binge issues. Yes, my chocolate ice cream counts as a meal - it's just not the healthiest meal decision. Right now, it's not about doing a meal plan; it's about getting my mind in the right place.

I'm getting there... slowly but surely.

Many blessings,
Allison

Sorry

I haven't blogged in almost a week. I'd like to say that I've been SO busy that I just couldn't find the time. That would be a BIG lie. Instead, I've been hiding from the world. Thought it would be SO much easier to deal with life by hiding instead of actually dealing with it head on. Man, that's a stinky lesson to learn.

I'm angry - again. I'm angry at this stupid disease! I'm angry that there isn't a cure; only recovery. You would think that I would be happy with recovery; I'm sure I will be one day. Today, however, I want a cure! I'm not gonna get one. There's no happy magic pill that will poof away this disease. I need to be in the trenches, everyday, fighting it.

Most days, I'm up for the fight. This week, I decided to just roll over & play dead. What do I get for playing dead? Nothing! Everything is STILL there waiting to be worked on. Only NOW the emotions are SO raw.

I have had 7 days of abstinence and I am proud of that. Especially since this past week was a rough week for me. Yet, the abstinence wasn't a fulfilling accomplishment for me. Instead of REALLY abstaining (fighting for that abstinence) I just hid from food. Not healthy either. That just keeps me in this disease.

Darn it - I HATE THIS DISEASE!!!!

Tomorrow is another day. God will see me through it - He's amazingly faithful like that.

Thankful List (5/2/10)
~ Sunday night meetings
~ Finding a bathing suit I WANT to wear
~ A husband that is willing to listen to my insanity

Many blessings,
Allison

Just what I need....

I love my Heavenly Father. I can't say it enough. Just when I feel like the walls are closing in around me, God brings something to me that helps clear the webs.

Today's Gift (from Hazelden) read:

QUIET MY MIND

Dear Lord,
Teach me to quiet my mind.
Stop my thoughts from racing
from one thing to another.
Stop me from the obsessive
thinking about the lives of others.
Help me rest and quiet my mind.
Help me let go of trying to control the lives of others.
Free my mind to be at rest.
This I pray.

It's EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Yesterday wasn't such a good day here in the Ahrens household. Just when I take the power away from Satan with one part of my life, he scrambles to attack another. Anyway, yesterday was just a day. I was ready to binge. The worst part, I offered to go to the grocery store to pick up a few things for dinner. That's always dangerous for me.

See, I have no problem going to the store. That's the easy part. The hard part is getting OUT of the store with only the items I went to by. I'm not talking about picking up a few extra groceries. I WISH! Nope, we're talking about sneaking a few binge items, eating them on the way home, then feeling like crap afterward.

Again, God knew what was in my mind. My sponsor called me just as I was heading into the store & stayed on the phone with me while I shopped - helping me resist the temptation.

So today He gave me this prayer. It is SO fitting for me. I meant to apologize to a friend last night for not being supportive. I chickened out. I tried to rationalize it by reminding myself that I haven't gotten to the 'make amends' step yet. But I don't think I need to wait... I guess I should ask my sponsor.

For now, I'm asking God quiet my mind. He's proven to be faithful. I'm SO loved.

Many blessings,
Allison

Today is the day.....

We sang this song in UpStreet yesterday. I love it because it's so upbeat & rockin'. What a great way to celebrate my God - jumping up & down, praising His name.

But today this song means SO much more to me. You see, I am in my 5th day of abstinence.

What am I abstaining from? I'll tell you... As you know, I am a compulsive overeater. The past few days I've focused on abstaining from binge eating. Abstinence to a compulsive overeater is the same as sobriety to an alcoholic.

I'm gonna be honest here (aren't I always), this has been the hardest thing I've ever done. For SO long, I've listened to that voice in my head telling me it's ok to eat. It'll make me feel better. Going against that voice, UGH! What a fight!!! It doesn't make me feel better. I usually feel worse. Not only do I STILL have the emotional pain I was trying to drown out, I then have the physical pain of a belly ache.

I still fight the urge to binge. But today I have it over to God and I feel free. They call this the 'honeymoon' period. I need to just take this one day at a time. Don't focus on what tomorrow will bring; just what I'm doing today. One day at a time... sometimes one minute at a time.

And I won't worry about tomorrow
I'm giving You my fears and sorrows
Where You lead me I will follow
I'm trusting in what You say
Today is the day
~Lincoln Brewster

I'm a long way from recovery... but I am enjoying the recovery I am currently experiencing.

Many blessings,
Allison