Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Allison unplugged

A recent assignment has given me a lot to think about. Just how much of ME is wrapped up in this disease.

For SO long, I have hidden behind a facade of who I really am. You'll either meet 'wallflower Allison' OR 'jokester Allison'. The sad truth is neither is the REAL me. What's even worse, I'm not quite sure who the real me is.

Wallflower Allison has been around since elementary school I think. I had a handful of friends. Tried not to make waves. You know, you recognize the name, but need to look it up in the yearbook to see exactly who I am. I was the tall, gangly girl. I should have played basketball, but I didn't. I also didn't see the potential that I had.

Then came Jokester Allison. Always laughing & smiling. Looking like I'm up to no good. I'll usually put myself down in a funny way, just to get a laugh. I'm the one guys would be 'just friends' with. I SO wanted to fit in...

Both are pieces of me, but not the real me. I've been hiding for as long as I can remember. First, because of the lack of relationship with my dad. Then, because I didn't want anyone else to hurt me. Eventually, because I didn't want anyone to see the horrible pain my heart was in.

I've hidden myself from the world... most importantly, I've hidden myself from my husband, children, family & friends. I've played the victim in certain areas of my life so that I could ignore the truth of my life. I have battled this disease in some form since high school. Attempting to control what I ate, when I ate in an attempt to feel in control. Now my life is out of control because of the 'imaginary' control I was trying to attain.

So, how do I become the real Allison; the Allison that God intended me to be? Slowly & lovingly. Each day I ask God to work in me in each aspect of my life - not just the disease. Quite honestly, EVERY area of my life is touched by this disease in some way.

It's an uphill battle, but one that I don't have to do alone. Every day, God puts me in contact with someone who will help me in my journey. Friends, family & fellow program followers who speak wisdom into my life. What's even better is that every day, I ask God to speak truth into my life.

Slowly, I am learning that I DO have worth. As I gain self-worth, others will be able to see the real me.

I'm excited to see who I become.

Many blessings,


Christa said...

I think that it's fantastic that you are working on you and I think more people should follow your lead because we could all use a little self improvement.

I love you. I love whichever Allison you want to give me at the moment. I welcome all of you with open arms. ;)

BIG Hugs & Kisses sis!

Christa said...

OH and I love your background. Did yo make it? I need to learn how to do this stuff. I am going to be blogging for the Dress shop. I've got a cool idea I'd love to share with you, maybe you could help me out!