Saturday, August 7, 2010

Clarity

One of the many benefits of doing program is the amount of thinking I get to do. Not that I didn't think BEFORE this, but you know what I mean.

I've got to dig deep at the "WHY"s. Why do I binge? Why do I react this way? It's a lot of self-discovery.

Granted, it's not always wonderful, fluffy self-discovery. Most of the time is raw emotions that bring up feelings of inadequacy. Yet occasionally there is a glimmer of hope. A ray of sun in the dark forest of emotions. There are still times where I don't feel as though I fit in. Maybe that's just a part of being human. I don't know. But I do know that this is the first time I am dealing with it without stuffing my face about it.

I like my life. I am truly blessed with what God has given me. My husband, my children, my family, his family & friends. Truly my cup runneth over. So often, we compare our lives to the lives of others and think that they have a better life. I'm guilty of that. Yet, when I stop to REALLY look at my life I realize that I have a good life.

I'm unemployed right now and I hate it. I've been working since I was 14 so this has been tough for me. Yet, I've been able to enjoy a summer with my husband & children while looking for a job. I've been able to build a stronger marriage and make deposits into my children's lives that I wouldn't have normally been able to do.

My marriage needs work. I'd be foolish to think that it didn't. One thing I've discovered is that I WANT to work at my marriage. When I stood at that alter in front of God, family & friends, I promised that I would do this 'until death parts us'. There have been times where divorce or separation seemed like the better option. I am SO glad that we stuck it out. Those 2 words are no longer a part of my vocabulary. I am with Craig through thick & thin. We have seen some great times, but we have also survived some horrible times. No one ever tells you that marriage is hard work. Let me be the 1st - MARRIAGE IS HARD WORK!!!! But it is SO worth the effort.

I'm learning how to respond better to my children. To stop & take time to listen. I'm learning so much about them because I've had the opportunity to SEE them. They are turning into beautiful human beings with gifts of their own. Yeah - they have their moments of selfishness; we all do. But they also have hearts of gold that have been cultivated by their relationships with our God. Slugger is creative and methodical. He has a one track mind. Whether its reading, Legos or video games; he puts his all into it. Songbird is imaginative & playful. She has a heart for music & loves to express herself through song. She has a gift for playing with little children - like the Pied Piper.

This is a just small glimpse of what I've learned... it hasn't been an easy road of discovery. I'm sure there is SO much more to come. But I cherish each lesson that I've learned.

Many blessings,
Allison

1 comment:

Barbie said...

Sounds like you are definately headed in the right direction. I am so thankful when God uses our circumstances to teach us about ourselves and grow us closer to Him.