Believing He will carry me

The Mayor, Songbird & Slugger are officially back to school. BFF & her family are officially in Iowa. I am officially an emotional mess!

I feel SO needy right now and I HATE that feeling. It's just another form of feeling out-of-control. We all know how great I am at that!

For the most part, my food has been good. I've managed to eat my 3 meals and not binge. Did have a little slip up, but nothing that resulted in a catastrophic binge.

However, today has been the hardest for me emotionally. It was really weird not seeing BFF & her kids at church. A reminder of this new chapter in my life that I am not actively seeking; it's been thrust upon me.

It feels even more strange to tell people that I am upset because my best friend moved. Man, that sounds SO high school. It looks stupid even as I type it out. Yet I feel abandoned. I know I'm not. BFF is just a phone call away - of course I'm coming up with every excuse I can think of to not 'bother' her. My pathetic attempt to pull away. Then, of course, if a friend can't meet for Starbucks or go to a meeting with me, I sink even LOWER into my pity party. Clearly they don't want to be around me.

Foolish, foolish thinking on my part... really, it's my diseased mind talking. Attempting to convince myself that eating or sleeping away the pain is the best course of action. That is SO tempting too.... But I can't allow that to happen.

I feel fragile right now... emotionally; spiritually. I am trying really hard to cling to God. Trying to not close my heart to what lies ahead. Knowing that HE will see me through this. This is all a part of His plan; I just need to trust & jump in His arms. He will carry me...



And THAT is what I needed to hear....

Many blessings,
Allison

Hello new friends

Sadly, I have a handful of friends who have lost their children. Either at the age of 14 or newborn. No matter what age the child was, they were loved from the very 1st moment. I have been told by these friends that they believe God send them little reminders of their angels. One friend says every time she see a blue bird it reminds her of her son, Tyler.

Another friend shared her children with me today. I feel so blessed. This friend believes that yellow butterflies represent her son and ladybugs or red cardinals represent her daughter. While I will never meet her precious children here on Earth, I have faith that I will one day meet them in Heaven. Yet, today I feel as though I have a little connection with them.

Maybe I just don't usually pay that close attention, but maybe, JUST MAYBE God was sharing these babies with me. On my way home from my friend's house, I noticed a yellow butterfly pass by my windshield. Coincidence? Possibly. When I got to a stop sign, I noticed a BRIGHT red cardinal just sitting. Another coincidence? I guess.

But tonight, while having ice cream with other friends, one of the little girls in our group came over to us. In her hair was a ladybug. I don't think I can call that a coincidence anymore. I believe that I MET those children and God wanted me to remember them in my daily life.

Now, every time I see a delicate yellow butterfly, I will remember Travis. Every time I see a beautiful red cardinal or a tiny little lady bug, I will remember Emily.

I love that through God's creation, I was able to meet my friend's children.

Many blessings,
Allison

4 children & a funeral

As some of you know, we recently had to travel to NJ to attend a family funeral. You see, my husband's grandfather, Bud, passed away at the ripe old age of 92.

Our the past few months, we've learned a lot about Bud - stuff some of us never knew.

• Bud was a 2ND generation volunteer fire fighter which makes my husband a 4TH generation fire fighter.


• Bud's cargo ship was torpedoed off the coast of Cuba during WWII on June 6, 1942 by a German submarine. He & several other crew members survived in lifeboats for 5 days.


• Bud passed away almost 67 years to the day of his ship being torpedoed (June 6, 1942 - June 5, 2009).


• As much as Bud was a cranky old man, he was highly respected among his fire fighting peers.

Besides having 2 grandsons, Bud was blessed with 4 great grandchildren: Jason, Chelsea, Justin & Jaclyn. Because Jay & Jackie live in NJ, they got to visit him a lot more often & were devastated when he passed away. Not that my kids weren't affected, but it was a little surreal for them. Jason, 11, even gave a eulogy. There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

My one regret was that I didn't pack my camera. Gruesome, I know. Not that I wanted a picture of his body in the casket, but the graveside service was beautiful.

The US Navy sent 3 officers to play taps & fold the flag. I am not a fan of Obama, but it touched my heart to hear condolences from him. Bagpipes played 'Amazing Grace' in the background as the fire fighters said their final farewell. As each fire fighter saluted, they removed their right glove & placed it on the coffin. The bagpipers removed the reed from their pipes & placed those with the gloves. Then family & friends each placed a red rose.

My simple words cannot convey the beauty of the moment. It made me proud to be a part of this family.

Many blessings,
Allison

I am guilty....

... of harboring a grudge.

Several years ago I had my dream job (what I thought was my dream job). However, God had other plans in store for me. I lost that dream job – because of my personality. LONG story – not worth retelling.

Anyway, for years now I've held a bit of a grudge toward 2 of the people that I worked with/for. Angry that they couldn't see past my personality and see more of my potential as an employee.
Dear reader, life is too short to hold a grudge like that. A silly grudge over something that was beyond MY control.

The supervisor that I worked for died yesterday in a horrific car accident. “Thankfully” he died instantly. Rumor is that he was texting while driving. Regardless, it was a tragic accident that left his wife a widow & his 7-year old daughter without an earthly father.

Hearing the story of Sean's death convicted me immediately. I wanted to burst into tears and mourn the loss of this man. I have been harboring a grudge for so many years... over something that was totally out of my control... heck, it was out of Sean's control. It was all a part of God's greater plan for me... yet, I still needed to blame someone.

It also reminded me that we are not invincible! We all think that we will live well into our 80's or 90's, but the reality is that God may have a different plan. We may only live until we are 39 (that's how old Sean was).

Live every moment like it is your last – it just might be. Do not leave the house or hang up the phone angry with the one you love.

Many blessings,
Allison

The waiting game...

They say that breaking up is hard to do... I'd have to disagree. Waiting for the death of a loved one is worse. I know, that's a morbid thought.. I'm not talking about doom & gloom, constantly thinking that someone is going to die. I'm talking about having a very sick family member & knowing they're dying and just waiting for the phone call. It's not that you want them to die, you just want them to go quickly & painlessly.

We're in that situation with my husband's paternal grandfather, Bud. Bud has lived an amazing 92 year life. One that any man should be proud of. He fought during WWII, was stuck at sea after his ship was torpedoed off the coast of Cuba. He has been a volunteer fire fighter for YEARS - his son & grandson followed in his footsteps.

His health is rapidly declining. He is refusing to eat or drink & dementia is setting in (though there are lucid moments). All in all, we're just waiting for that call. We've said our goodbyes & told him that we'll be ok; that if he needs to go then he should go.

We pray that God calls him home without further suffering. We know that it is all in God's time. We're just hoping that God's time is rather quick.

Please join our family in lifting Bud up in prayer. That God is with him and gives him peace.

Many blessings,
Allison

Mending a broken heart...

...and that heart is mine.

I lost the friendship of a great friend today. Someone who has been part of my support system for over 6 years. I guess I've been feeling that the friendship was strained lately - drifting apart. Yet I thought we would always been in one another's life.

He ended it with me. Man, that sounds like a break-up, but I guess it is. It's been a long time since I had a friend 'officially' break up with me. Usually they just fizzle. Yet this friendship, maybe because it ended suddenly, is really hurting me. I never thought it would end.

It's a long, drawn-out story; one that I might go into another time. Just pray for me. Pray that God heals my heart. And pray for my friend. He's hurting too. I pray that God gives him peace in life & happiness. I wish him love as our lives move to something new.

I'll nurse my broken heart with prayer & worship.

Many blessings,
Allison