Monday, May 3, 2010

BEWARE: defiant child on board

I'm still hating my disease. In fact, I'm hating it SO much that I have been utterly defiant today.
  • My sponsor asked me to call her before 1pm today. I called her at 2:15. Why? Because I wanted to, that's why. I was going to do what I wanted to do. Too bad!
  • For lunch, I decided that I was going to eat a bowl of chocolate ice cream w/whipped cream. Why? Because I can eat whatever I want to eat for my lunch. Too bad!
  • I didn't leave the house until 3:30 today to start my errands. Why? Because I can start my errands whenever I want to start them. Too bad!

Yep.. Here I am, a 38-year old grown woman deciding to be defiant just because I can. I know why I am doing this. Battling this disease, I feel like I'm losing control. So, I am going to control whatever miniscule aspects of my life that I can.

I need to constantly remember that while I am 'losing' control, I am giving that control over to God; not to my disease. My disease is the part of me that is freaking out over losing control.

My life is unmanagable! I cannot do this alone. I am SO tired of letting the food have control over my life. It's time I take back that control, give it over to God. TOGETHER, I can get through this.

But it's one day at a time. Maybe right now, I need to just let it be one hour at a time. Whatever I need to do to get through this.

I have a new abstinence. Yes, I will continue to not binge/overeat. I also need to commit to having 3 meals a day. No more of this if I skip breakfast & lunch, I can have a bigger dinner. That doesn't do ANYTHING to help curb the binges. That only adds to the binge issues. Yes, my chocolate ice cream counts as a meal - it's just not the healthiest meal decision. Right now, it's not about doing a meal plan; it's about getting my mind in the right place.

I'm getting there... slowly but surely.

Many blessings,

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