It's not a good night for me. I broke abstinence without even realizing it. To make matters worse, once I realized it, I kept on breaking it. Why? Because I am ANGRY!
Initially, I broke my abstinence because I was frustrated; frustrated with my daughter. For the past few weeks, she has been so nonchalant about her homework. "Oh, I didn't do it - oh well." After we punished for for over a week, she did it again. Really? What are we doing wrong? What will it take to get her to listen?
So, I head to my meeting (while Zumba is on a break I've been attending a Tuesday night meeting). On the way there, I stopped off for a soda. Then I decided to 'treat' myself - BAD IDEA! I ate the entire package of mini chocolate donuts. I had just had dinner - not hungry at all. In fact, I was quite satisfied. But I ate those donuts anyway. At meeting, we read something which totally clicked for me. I mindlessly ate because I was frustrated.
To make matters worse, I learned that my very best friend is heading to Iowa. Her husband is in the running for a job there. So they are going to check things out. Of course, I need to be brutally honest! I told her that I hope she had a safe trip, but hope she hated it and that she couldn't find a house. Great friend I am, right??? Later I apologized to her. She said she was thankful for my honesty - I still felt bad.
I came home, ate an ice pop, waited for my husband to go to bed. Then I ate a chocolate chip cookie and a bowl of cereal. Why? Because I am sad. I feel like my life is spiraling out of control and the only thing that I can control is what I eat.
How foolish! I am NOT in control of my food. My disease is. I've taken that control back from God and given it right back to my illness. Really?? Again? Am I feeling any better now that I've eaten? Nope!!! I feel sick to my stomach from OVER eating and those feelings are still there - combined with the feelings of knowing that I broke abstinence.
Here's to tomorrow!