My insecurities got the best of me for a moment and I had a bit of a meltdown today.
The Mayor & I having been leading a couples small group for the past few years. Our last small group disbanded in the spring and we've decided to gather up another group. It is important to 'DO LIFE' with people. As much as I want to be in a small group, the thought of finding new 'people' is not something I'm too thrilled about.
Starting a new group means having to put myself out there again. Exposing my vulnerabilities. I know I don't HAVE to, but in order to have a genuine group experience it is important to be transparent. I don't have a problem being transparent - hence this blog. It's just being transparent to people in person.
Besides my best friend has been in the same small group with me for 4 years. This will be the 1st one without her. Just not the same. Yet I know that it is important that I do this. It is beneficial for my Christian walk.
Tonight is a social at my house. Great idea in theory. However the execution is enough to send me into a tizzy. The thought of new people being in my house for the 1st time. I mean, what if my house isn't clean enough? What if it isn't nice enough?
Yeah - that's the enemy talking. Creating doubt so that I have a miserable time. Creating panic & anxiety so that I'll binge eat. That's my usual M.O. - life gets tumultuous, EAT!
People aren't coming to judge my home. They are coming because they honestly want to join a couples small group. They want to get together with other Christians, study God's word & make friends. It's not about my house or me. It's about God.
Then, of course, tomorrow is 9/11. That's another thing that sends me into a downward spiral. The events of that day will forever be etched in my mind. Yet, my sponsor reminded me while tomorrow is a sad day; a day of remembrance, I need to remember that my family is still here. I have my husband and children. My father is alive & well. Do not focus on what 'could' have happened. Celebrate the here & now.
I've been talked down from my ledge of insanity. I did not binge. Oh, I SO wanted to. The thoughts of chocolate frosting were dancing in my mind like Mikhail Baryshnikov in a Russian ballet. Going to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things for tonight, it took every ounce of strength to NOT go down the cake & frosting aisle. I could have... but I didn't.
I want to keep my abstinence.