Friday, April 16, 2010

Ok God...

I subscribe to a daily email devotional from Hazelden for people in program (AA, OA, NA, etc.). Honestly, most days I don't even bother to open it or read it. Why did I bother to subscribe; it's just become junk mail.

Yesterday, my sponsor read the daily entry to me & it was perfect for what I was going through. I decided to read today's:

Having realistic expectations.

Sometimes we expect much too much of people and things. We will never be happy if we expect our doctor to work instant cures or if we blame our teacher for what we failed to learn. We need to examine what's realistic to expect of others and what we are responsible for ourselves. It's the same with the program: We cannot judge its effectiveness by whether we are happy all the time.

The program will be perfect only when we are perfect. We must let go of our childish all-or-nothing attitude and become more realistic. After all, when were we ever happy all the time?

Do I expect too much?

Higher Power, when I am unhappy
with the program, help me be honest
with myself about where the problem lies.

Do you think God is trying to tell me something? I think He heard me yesterday. While I didn't PHYSICALLY cry out "HELP", I did cry out on paper.

I expect too much. I expect perfection from myself. There is no room for error. Everyone else around me can make mistakes & I accept them. But for me to make a mistake - bite your tongue. It's not because I see myself as perfect - SO not the truth. It's because I do not like to show my weakness & vulnerability to others; my Achilles Heel. HATE IT!!

Which is kind of funny since I seem to be REALLY vulnerable when it comes to these entries. That's because it's fairly anonymous. I mean, how many of you to I REALLY see on a day-to-day basis. Not many. So it's easier to be vulnerable to you.

Today, I'm working on abstinence. I learned yesterday that not everyone has the same definition of abstinence, and that's ok. Right now, abstinence for me is calling my sponsor, making other daily calls & writing my food. If I don't binge, that's a bonus.

4/15/10 thankful list

~ went to WalMart without buying crap food to binge on
~ the ability & strength to only eat 1/2 of my dinner
~ wonderful friends & family who support me

Many blessings,

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