I have to write about what's going on. Why I'm so angry with a friend over a decision that has NOTHING to do with me. I think it's about control.
My mind knows that I am trying to take back control (or at least try to give the control over to God) with this eating disorder. It's fighting me every step of the way. I feel insane quite honestly. I mean, who argues with their MIND?!?!?! The insane, that's who.
I started out this week wanting to do an honest program. My 1st day into it, I lied. Well, lying isn't exactly it. I hid – which means I didn't work the program – which means I wasn't being honest. So, I need to be honest. Want honesty?
I HATE that I have this disease. I hate that I've let things get SO out of control. I'm angry with myself for getting to this point. But I'm tired of being angry with myself. I need a scapegoat. I guess that's why I was SO angry with my friend. She was my scapegoat. Easier to get mad at her for making a bad decision than to face my own crap.
God I've been doing this all my life. I'd rather fix everyone else than to try and fix myself. It's not that I don't think I need fixing. I KNOW I need fixing. It's just that if I work on myself, then I need to deal with the junk. When I deal with the junk, I don't want to go into a depression.
But my sponsor said that this sleeping all day thing IS a form of depression. I guess she's right. I'm not motivated, which is sad because I have so many things I COULD be doing. I could meet up with friends for coffee or a walk, I could have gotten off my ass and enrolled in school like I've been wanting. But I'm scared. Not scared of failure – I can do that well. I think I'm scared of succeeding. If I succeed, then people will notice. If people notice, then I'm noticed.
As much as I want to be the center of attention, I don't like it. Because then all eyes are on me. Judging me, critiquing me. I've always thought I was a bit of a wall flower. Blending into the woodwork. Today proved me wrong.
It's my birthday. I thought only family & CLOSE friends would notice. But more than that noticed. People that I went to kindergarten with have sent birthday wishes. My best friend from grammar school sent me a text wishing me a happy birthday.
I think there are days (more often than not) that I still feel that I am not worthy of people's love & attention. That's where I am right now. Why don't I call my sponsor everyday? Because I shouldn't be THAT important. No one should have to take time out of their day just for me. But she doesn't HAVE to; she wants to. People in my life don't HAVE to love me, they choose to love me.
I need to start loving myself. I need to truly give this over to God, each day. I cannot do this alone. I have no problem giving other parts of my life to God, yet for some stupid reason, I'm hanging on to this part. Is it the control? Or is it something deeper? Could it be that I really don't feel that God should love me? Yet He does love me. Not because He has to, but because He WANTS to. I am His child. Just like my earthly father loves me, my Heavenly Father loves me even more. He sent his son for me. Yet, holding on to this piece of my life is like a slap in the face.
Sure God, I trust you with my family, friends & finances, but let me hold on to the food thing. This is too big for me to handle. But it's the right size for GOD to handle.
This is going to be tough. I am seriously fighting this. As I sit here & write this, my brain is screaming at me to stop. To stop thinking and seeking. Why? Why does it want me to stop? Because it wants to keep the control. It's SLOWLY losing control. Is it my mind.... could it be a foothold that Satan has found? Has he found a way into my head... he can't ruin my marriage anymore, or my family. I'm blessed with godly friends who truly care. I'm taking back the power that my abusers took from me. Satan is scrambling to keep control.
I will not allow it.... I cannot allow it. If I am going to give God control of my life then I need to give Him TOTAL control to every area of my life. Not just the parts I pick & choose.
And so I continue the journey.