Here we are, in the month of September, Christmas rapidly approaching. Anyone who knows me, knows that I LOVE Christmas. All of the shopping & gift giving. I get great joy out of picking a gift for someone and seeing their reaction. It's my LOVE LANGUAGE!!
Yet, today Craig mentioned that we may have to cut back. I'm ok with that, really I am. But the thought of not getting gifts for certain people really saddens me. How else can I show them my love?
I'm scared. I'm scared of what is in store for my family. Will I get another job? Will I get the job that I want - the one that I thought God had picked out for me? When will it happen? When will I know?
I'm not sleeping well lately. I sleep great during the day, but it's at night that I'm not sleeping. Thoughts fill my head. Thoughts of what we need and what we can't do. Thoughts of doubt and fear. I'm tired of just getting by. I'm tired of having 'just enough' to survive. I just want to collapse. I try to focus on the words of my Heavenly Father, but there's another voice shouting at me. I am desperately trying to ignore that voice and hear His whisper.
I feel broken and alone. I feel like a failure. I can't even keep a stupid retail job!
Again, I find myself keeping God in a box. Putting him on MY time line; not accepting His. Following his timeline is scary, like walking a tightrope without a net, but in this case there is a net. He is my net. He will catch me when I fall. He holds my hands as I balance across.
Lord, help me! Give me patience to wait this out. Show us where you want me to be. Show me the job you want me to have. Give us peace when it comes to our finances. Help us to stop worrying and start trusting more in you. Help silences the screaming voices of doubt so that I can hear only YOUR voice. ~ Amen