I am NOT alone

This was in my inbox today:

Many of us, in trying to run away from our essential aloneness, have abused alcohol, work, drugs, food, money, and entertainment. In spite of our frantic activity, we have continued to feel "alone in a crowd," "alone in our dreams," and "lonely in our marriages."

These experiences should prove we cannot successfully avoid coming to terms with our aloneness. The sooner we accept responsibility for our lives, the sooner we will stop inflicting unnecessary pain on ourselves.

In accepting our aloneness, we accept that no one can protect us from ourselves - and that no one can live our lives for us. "Aloneness" simply means that we cannot depend on others for our joy or sorrow. We are the authors of our actions, attitudes, and experiences and not the "victims" of fate or circumstance.

Today I will not be afraid of my aloneness. I will accept total responsibility for my attitudes, actions, or neglects. I will not seek unnecessary pain by relying on what others say or do to make me happy.

Normally, I love the interesting little tidbits that arrive in my inbox from Hazeldon. But not this one.

Our disease is what isolates us. But we do not HAVE to be alone in this. We have our program friends and some of us are blessed to have our family.

If I am honest with my sponsor & fellow OA friends, I do not have to be alone. I can rely on their support, love & understanding.

If I am open with my husband, I am not alone. Granted, he cannot fully understand my battle, but he can certainly give me the love & support needed persevere.

Most of all, we have God. They're right, no one can protect me from myself... no one here on earth. But God can! If I am walking with God during my recovery, I am not alone. He will protect me from myself & my disease.

It's a new day for me and I plan to make the most of it. I will not be 'alone' today!

Many blessings,
Allison

Waters rising

This week has been one heck of a roller coaster ride for me. Baseball, mammograms, Zumba & my best friend moving. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. Forget bringing me to my knees; I've landed flat on my butt.

Honestly, I want to just crawl in my bed and stay there for days. Wake me when it's over! But the rational part of my mind (the part that RARELY wins) is telling me to just get up & get on with life. Yes, my very-best-friend is moving to Iowa, but I can make the most of the rest of her time here. THAT is what a friend would do. I am going to break 'tradition' and not pull away. I am going to face this head on.

I am also waiting on test results. A lump was found in my right bre@st via mammogram & ultrasound. It could be a lymph node or a cyst or the C word. As much as I want to just think the worst, I have an overwhelming sense of peace. Whatever the outcome, my God is in control. It is a part of His story for me. Do I want cancer - HECK NO!!! Yet, if that is what's being dealt then so be it.

As usual, I turn to music. It's what makes up the soundtrack of my life. So, what am I listening to right now, during this tumultuous time? Casey Darnell's newest album, ANTHEM. Especially his song, When the Waters Rise. He wrote this song right after his wife suffered a miscarriage of their 2nd child. The story behind the song is BEAUTIFUL! I am using the words of this song as my prayer.

When the waters rise around me I am safe
In the valley Lord, you are near always
You have surrounded me by your grace
When my strength is gone, I won't be afraid
You are with me always

When there seems no way, You are here with me
And this life brings pain, You are here with me
I wont be afraid, You are here with me
You are all I need and You are here with me
~written by Casey Darnell

Many blessings,
Allison

The story of Buddy

Sunday marks my son's 10th birthday. I can't believe my baby is going to be 10. Double digits - really, truly a tween.

The birth of our son was TOTALLY different than the birth of our daughter. He was a planned c-section. My mother came up from North Carolina for the birth - her birthday is May 22nd. My dad took the day off of work and hang out at the hospital too.

I remember hearing his cry for the first time. That was something that I didn't get when our daughter was born. The best was when our daughter (22 months) came to the hospital later that day to meet her new brother. As soon as she saw him she said 'Hi Buddy. I'm your big sister.' Talk about a melt-your-heart moment.

Here we are, almost 10 years later, they're still pretty good friends (as long as the planets are in alignment).

Happy Birthday Buddy!!!

2005 2010

Many blessings,
Allison

I am SO angry

It's not a good night for me. I broke abstinence without even realizing it. To make matters worse, once I realized it, I kept on breaking it. Why? Because I am ANGRY!

Initially, I broke my abstinence because I was frustrated; frustrated with my daughter. For the past few weeks, she has been so nonchalant about her homework. "Oh, I didn't do it - oh well." After we punished for for over a week, she did it again. Really? What are we doing wrong? What will it take to get her to listen?

So, I head to my meeting (while Zumba is on a break I've been attending a Tuesday night meeting). On the way there, I stopped off for a soda. Then I decided to 'treat' myself - BAD IDEA! I ate the entire package of mini chocolate donuts. I had just had dinner - not hungry at all. In fact, I was quite satisfied. But I ate those donuts anyway. At meeting, we read something which totally clicked for me. I mindlessly ate because I was frustrated.

To make matters worse, I learned that my very best friend is heading to Iowa. Her husband is in the running for a job there. So they are going to check things out. Of course, I need to be brutally honest! I told her that I hope she had a safe trip, but hope she hated it and that she couldn't find a house. Great friend I am, right??? Later I apologized to her. She said she was thankful for my honesty - I still felt bad.

I came home, ate an ice pop, waited for my husband to go to bed. Then I ate a chocolate chip cookie and a bowl of cereal. Why? Because I am sad. I feel like my life is spiraling out of control and the only thing that I can control is what I eat.

How foolish! I am NOT in control of my food. My disease is. I've taken that control back from God and given it right back to my illness. Really?? Again? Am I feeling any better now that I've eaten? Nope!!! I feel sick to my stomach from OVER eating and those feelings are still there - combined with the feelings of knowing that I broke abstinence.

Here's to tomorrow!

Many blessings,
Allison

Being present

This was in my inbox the other day. It's exactly what I needed to 'hear' too! I love when that happens.

Being Present
Reality can be a difficult place to live. Sometimes it seems impossible to stay in the here and now.
From time to time we all revisit the past and yearn for the future. This is natural.
Being present every minute of the day is impossible for anyone.
Still, we can strive to be present for as many minutes as we can. We strive for progress, not perfection.
Today, am I doing what I can to be present?

Thought for the Day
A small dose of reality is better than no reality at all.

As much as I don't like to dwell on my past, sometimes it is a little easier to live back there. I mean, I was SO much thinner then. In my mind, I was SO much happier too! Not to mention, I wasn't dealing with my eating disorder head on, the way I am right now.

BUT so much of my past is responsible for my eating disorder. As a teen, I purposely didn't eat or vomited to stay thin. I was obsessed with being 'skinny'. After dealing with all the sexual abuse that I went through, I began eating as a way to hide my feelings - and myself.

So I NEED to stay in reality. That's what is going to get me healthy. Yes, I'll be dealing with my past, but bringing it to the forefront so that I can overcome this disorder. I'll never be cured, but I will be in recovery. THAT is my reality!!!

Many blessings,
Allison

Theme song

Several years ago, Louie Giglio (one of my favorite Christian speakers) did a series at church called "Soundtrack". Our lives have a soundtrack. Certain songs evoke feelings, emotions, memories. Something simple as 'Jesus Loves Me' can transport me back in time to when I was 5 years old and sitting in Sunday School. Or listening to a Richard Marx song brings me back to my senior prom.

I live life through a soundtrack. Taking note of particular songs that have meaning to me. I find a way to work them into my life.

I have found a new one!

In February 2010, Casey Darnell was leading worship at our church. He showcased a new song that he had written. The lyrics pierced my heart instantly and I couldn't wait to get my hands on the lyrics. I went so far as to have my husband contact Casey via Facebook to see if he would share the lyrics with me (the album had not been released yet). The song was my anthem, especially with the speaking engagement that I had coming up. I wanted to work the song into my talk (Craig forgot to give me the lyrics so I never did get to use them).

Fast forward to May 11, 2010. Casey FINALLY released his newest EP on iTunes featuring MY song! I had been flirting with the idea of buying the album - especially since Casey was giving FREE socks to the needy for every iTunes purchase of his new album. Forget the flirting - I BOUGHT IT!!!!

The words are JUST as powerful now as they were back in February. Between life, eating disorder & family the words just ring true. I wish I could share the song with you so you can listen to it..... But I can share the words.

Power in Your Name

Written by Casey Darnell

Chorus:

There is power in Your name,

There is mercy there is grace

Where the weary soul finds rest

In the presence of Jesus

There is love that never fails,

No matter how dark My God Prevails

In our weakness there is strength

In the presence of Jesus

Looking back on my life, the abuse, the bullying... It doesn't matter how dark my life looked. God was always there. The only place I've ever been able to find rest has been in the loving arms of my God.

Casey is a talented singer/songwriter with a heart for God. If you can, purchase the entire album. It WILL speak to your heart.

Many blessings,
Allison

SLACKER!!!

Yeah, that's right. I've been slacking with my blogging. WOW! No real excuse though. Maybe life hasn't been all that entertaining lately. Who knows.

Things have been pretty good. Still abstinent, which should be cause for celebration. Last week was a pretty rough week as a parent. Lots of school work issues. Thankfully we got those resolved - though we had to take away the cellphone for a while. Pretty effective.

Saturday was the Lupus Walk. I really wish I had brought my camera. The event was beautiful!!! Over 3000 people gathered to walk & raise awareness about Lupus. I was so blessed to be walking with my 2 sisters, my niece, my sister's boyfriend & my sister's friend. Ooh, and I cannot forget Gaby, my niece's friend.

Our 5K was changed to a 1.5 mile (which I hear is a 2.5K). Piedmont Park in Atlanta is BEAUTIFUL!! I can't believe I've lived here for 6 years now and that was the 1st time I had checked it out! Worth going back for.

Mother's Day was nice. It was a quiet day. I even got a nap!! Then we had some friends over for dinner - pulled pork sandwiches. YUMMY! Craig is quite the cook.

In other news, school is almost over. Just 2 1/2 weeks left before Craig and the kids are home for the summer. I've got mixed feelings. As much as I cannot wait to have them all home, this will be the 1st year that I have NOT worked during the summer. Which means we'll be together 24/7! I will be learning a LOT of patience this summer.

My new mantra:

In our weakness, there is strength.

I've heard it at my OA meetings time & time again. Yesterday, I heard it as a line in a song. Such a short sentence holds such powerful truth.

I'm doing life one day at a time. Learning that the only person who can fix me is me. That is the key to my recovery.

Not much else.... though you never know when I'll be struck with a new blog!

Many blessings,
Allison

BEWARE: defiant child on board

I'm still hating my disease. In fact, I'm hating it SO much that I have been utterly defiant today.

• My sponsor asked me to call her before 1pm today. I called her at 2:15. Why? Because I wanted to, that's why. I was going to do what I wanted to do. Too bad!
• For lunch, I decided that I was going to eat a bowl of chocolate ice cream w/whipped cream. Why? Because I can eat whatever I want to eat for my lunch. Too bad!
• I didn't leave the house until 3:30 today to start my errands. Why? Because I can start my errands whenever I want to start them. Too bad!

Yep.. Here I am, a 38-year old grown woman deciding to be defiant just because I can. I know why I am doing this. Battling this disease, I feel like I'm losing control. So, I am going to control whatever miniscule aspects of my life that I can.

I need to constantly remember that while I am 'losing' control, I am giving that control over to God; not to my disease. My disease is the part of me that is freaking out over losing control.

My life is unmanagable! I cannot do this alone. I am SO tired of letting the food have control over my life. It's time I take back that control, give it over to God. TOGETHER, I can get through this.

But it's one day at a time. Maybe right now, I need to just let it be one hour at a time. Whatever I need to do to get through this.

I have a new abstinence. Yes, I will continue to not binge/overeat. I also need to commit to having 3 meals a day. No more of this if I skip breakfast & lunch, I can have a bigger dinner. That doesn't do ANYTHING to help curb the binges. That only adds to the binge issues. Yes, my chocolate ice cream counts as a meal - it's just not the healthiest meal decision. Right now, it's not about doing a meal plan; it's about getting my mind in the right place.

I'm getting there... slowly but surely.

Many blessings,
Allison

Sorry

I haven't blogged in almost a week. I'd like to say that I've been SO busy that I just couldn't find the time. That would be a BIG lie. Instead, I've been hiding from the world. Thought it would be SO much easier to deal with life by hiding instead of actually dealing with it head on. Man, that's a stinky lesson to learn.

I'm angry - again. I'm angry at this stupid disease! I'm angry that there isn't a cure; only recovery. You would think that I would be happy with recovery; I'm sure I will be one day. Today, however, I want a cure! I'm not gonna get one. There's no happy magic pill that will poof away this disease. I need to be in the trenches, everyday, fighting it.

Most days, I'm up for the fight. This week, I decided to just roll over & play dead. What do I get for playing dead? Nothing! Everything is STILL there waiting to be worked on. Only NOW the emotions are SO raw.

I have had 7 days of abstinence and I am proud of that. Especially since this past week was a rough week for me. Yet, the abstinence wasn't a fulfilling accomplishment for me. Instead of REALLY abstaining (fighting for that abstinence) I just hid from food. Not healthy either. That just keeps me in this disease.

Darn it - I HATE THIS DISEASE!!!!

Tomorrow is another day. God will see me through it - He's amazingly faithful like that.

Thankful List (5/2/10)
~ Sunday night meetings
~ Finding a bathing suit I WANT to wear
~ A husband that is willing to listen to my insanity

Many blessings,
Allison