Everything?

I'm a fan of The Bible on Facebook. Sounds kind of silly if you think about it. Each day, I get 'something' from them; either a verse I needed to hear or words of wisdom.

Lately, I've seen some great quotes by a man named, Mark Brown. Sometimes so profound that I'll copy & use them as my status (giving him the credit though).

Today, The Bible recommended a video of Mark talking on Philippians 4:13. Since I'm up early, I decided to take a look.

Philippians 4:13 :
For I can do EVERYTHING through Christ, who gives me strength. (NLT)

WOW! What words! Hearing him has light a spark in my heart. What is it I want to do?

I want to go back to school to get my degree to become a surgical tech. I want to begin my own ministry for rape survivors. Why haven't I done it yet? Fear. Fear of failure.

That's just Satan trying to hold me back. The last thing he wants is for me to be a ministry. He wants to hold me in my fear so that I cannot help others.

So, today's the day! I'm getting my butt in gear; gonna start the education process again. This time, I can't worry about 'IF' I fail. There are tons of 'IF's in the world... living by 'IF' isn't living. It's FEAR and I will not longer be fearful of the unknown. It's not unknown.... God knows what His plan for me is. If someone knows, then it isn't unknown.

What is your dream???

Many blessings,
Allison

Past, present & future

So, here I am. It's 12:45 in the morning. I should be in bed, but instead I'm cruising on Facebook. Checking out who's up to what.

I like Facebook. Tons of fun to be able to stay in touch with family in NJ & NC; share pictures & what not. I've also enjoyed reconnecting with friends from high school & grade school. Good stuff.

But then I reminisce. Which in itself isn't bad... but its when you think of the 'what ifs'.

I don't want to live my life in 'what if'. I want to live my life in the here & now. Looking back, I see a sad young lady who wanted nothing more than to be loved. I jumped through hoops to get that love and I didn't care what it cost me - which wound up being my self-respect.

The Mayor is a part of my past. He was my very 1st boyfriend back in 1987. My very 1st kiss. But he's also a part of my present & I know he'll be a part of my future. You see, what's best about him being my 1st kiss is that he will be my last kiss.

Our marriage isn't perfect, but it's ours. I won't sit & think about the 'what ifs' of my life. You see, I am married to EXACTLY who I am supposed to be married to, living exactly where I'm supposed to live. I don't want to be married to anyone else. He is my heart & soul. My one true love. The man that God chose for me, even before I was born. Sometimes I lay in bed and am overwhelmed at the thought that I am married to him.

How blessed am I that I get to grow old with him?

Many blessings,
Allison

My revelation

Meditation: Voices of Recovery for August 16, 2010 - pg. 229

Another gentle reminder that I need to relinquish control DAILY and leave it with my Heavenly Father. Yes, my life may feel as though it is spiraling out of control, bu t the truth is God has everything under HIS control. I am just a passenger on this crazy drive called Life.

In real life, when the family goes on a long trip, I usually fall asleep. Mainly because I am tired, but also because I am not the one doing the driving - I am not the one in control. I have been asleep most of my life, allowing my disease to have the control. Now, I need to give that control over to God and enjoy the ride.

Just like on any road trip there will be detours, but God can make those detours manageable.

Many blessings,
Allison

Another new day!

'For brokenness to completely heal,
He has to stitch it up right.
The solid road to healing may be slower and more painful,
but in the end, it will be more complete.
Until then, all I know is God is with me.'
~ Christi Armstrong

After last night's pity party and only 3 hours of sleep, I woke this morning feeling renewed. I guess sometimes you just need to let a little emotion out in order to gain perspective.

True friendship is not limited by state lines. True friendship continues to grow even when the miles separate them. True friendship rooted in God is one that can last forever.

I have opted to have a good day today. Sure, I slept in for a little bit - mainly because I only had 3 hours of sleep. Sure, I got a late start, but once I got started it felt great to get out.

Dropped off some shirts to the cleaners, picked up a few groceries for a friend & then spent the afternoon enjoying the day. Chatting, dining, praying & shopping. Exactly what I needed to lighten my heart.

Kristin's move still stings my heart. It wouldn't have been a friendship if it didn't hurt. Yet I am putting my faith in God; trusting Him to heal my heart. The hole in my heart is God-sized & only HE can fill it.

Many blessings,
Allison

Believing He will carry me

The Mayor, Songbird & Slugger are officially back to school. BFF & her family are officially in Iowa. I am officially an emotional mess!

I feel SO needy right now and I HATE that feeling. It's just another form of feeling out-of-control. We all know how great I am at that!

For the most part, my food has been good. I've managed to eat my 3 meals and not binge. Did have a little slip up, but nothing that resulted in a catastrophic binge.

However, today has been the hardest for me emotionally. It was really weird not seeing BFF & her kids at church. A reminder of this new chapter in my life that I am not actively seeking; it's been thrust upon me.

It feels even more strange to tell people that I am upset because my best friend moved. Man, that sounds SO high school. It looks stupid even as I type it out. Yet I feel abandoned. I know I'm not. BFF is just a phone call away - of course I'm coming up with every excuse I can think of to not 'bother' her. My pathetic attempt to pull away. Then, of course, if a friend can't meet for Starbucks or go to a meeting with me, I sink even LOWER into my pity party. Clearly they don't want to be around me.

Foolish, foolish thinking on my part... really, it's my diseased mind talking. Attempting to convince myself that eating or sleeping away the pain is the best course of action. That is SO tempting too.... But I can't allow that to happen.

I feel fragile right now... emotionally; spiritually. I am trying really hard to cling to God. Trying to not close my heart to what lies ahead. Knowing that HE will see me through this. This is all a part of His plan; I just need to trust & jump in His arms. He will carry me...



And THAT is what I needed to hear....

Many blessings,
Allison

I am ok

It's official... the kids are back to school. Slugger couldn't wait and Songbird was a panicked mess. All in all, I'm expecting it to be a good day.

I've been nervous about what this day would bring for me. I am alone in the house. There is no one here to chat with (besides Pablo) or entertain me (besides Pablo). This is when I usually do one of two things:

• endlessly eat
• endlessly sleep & forgetting to eat

Since both would require me to break my abstinence, I've been hard pressed to NOT do either.

I'll admit, I DID nap this morning. And it felt WONDERFUL!!!! Sure, there were probably a million things I COULD have been doing instead, but I just wanted to take this morning to nap. Recharge.

Now I'm ready to go. Well, mentally I'm ready to go. I've had my breakfast. I've just finished my lunch. Need to hop into the shower & run a few errands.

Kristin's moving away this week too. For the first time in my life, I have NOT pushed someone away as they prepare to leave. I'm sticking this out and dealing with the pain. It's not the end of a friendship. Hardly. It's just the end of this chapter in our lives. I hesitantly look forward to the next chapter & what God has in store for BOTH of us. We came into each others when we needed a friend. I am blessed that I can help send her off.

My verse for today:

"My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." ~ 2 Cor. 2:9
This truly applies to ALL areas of my life. It is when I am weak that God's strength shines through. Today I will not wallow in my weakness. I will revel in God's strength.

Many blessings,
Allison

Clarity

One of the many benefits of doing program is the amount of thinking I get to do. Not that I didn't think BEFORE this, but you know what I mean.

I've got to dig deep at the "WHY"s. Why do I binge? Why do I react this way? It's a lot of self-discovery.

Granted, it's not always wonderful, fluffy self-discovery. Most of the time is raw emotions that bring up feelings of inadequacy. Yet occasionally there is a glimmer of hope. A ray of sun in the dark forest of emotions. There are still times where I don't feel as though I fit in. Maybe that's just a part of being human. I don't know. But I do know that this is the first time I am dealing with it without stuffing my face about it.

I like my life. I am truly blessed with what God has given me. My husband, my children, my family, his family & friends. Truly my cup runneth over. So often, we compare our lives to the lives of others and think that they have a better life. I'm guilty of that. Yet, when I stop to REALLY look at my life I realize that I have a good life.

I'm unemployed right now and I hate it. I've been working since I was 14 so this has been tough for me. Yet, I've been able to enjoy a summer with my husband & children while looking for a job. I've been able to build a stronger marriage and make deposits into my children's lives that I wouldn't have normally been able to do.

My marriage needs work. I'd be foolish to think that it didn't. One thing I've discovered is that I WANT to work at my marriage. When I stood at that alter in front of God, family & friends, I promised that I would do this 'until death parts us'. There have been times where divorce or separation seemed like the better option. I am SO glad that we stuck it out. Those 2 words are no longer a part of my vocabulary. I am with Craig through thick & thin. We have seen some great times, but we have also survived some horrible times. No one ever tells you that marriage is hard work. Let me be the 1st - MARRIAGE IS HARD WORK!!!! But it is SO worth the effort.

I'm learning how to respond better to my children. To stop & take time to listen. I'm learning so much about them because I've had the opportunity to SEE them. They are turning into beautiful human beings with gifts of their own. Yeah - they have their moments of selfishness; we all do. But they also have hearts of gold that have been cultivated by their relationships with our God. Slugger is creative and methodical. He has a one track mind. Whether its reading, Legos or video games; he puts his all into it. Songbird is imaginative & playful. She has a heart for music & loves to express herself through song. She has a gift for playing with little children - like the Pied Piper.

This is a just small glimpse of what I've learned... it hasn't been an easy road of discovery. I'm sure there is SO much more to come. But I cherish each lesson that I've learned.

Many blessings,
Allison

Allison unplugged

A recent assignment has given me a lot to think about. Just how much of ME is wrapped up in this disease.

For SO long, I have hidden behind a facade of who I really am. You'll either meet 'wallflower Allison' OR 'jokester Allison'. The sad truth is neither is the REAL me. What's even worse, I'm not quite sure who the real me is.

Wallflower Allison has been around since elementary school I think. I had a handful of friends. Tried not to make waves. You know, you recognize the name, but need to look it up in the yearbook to see exactly who I am. I was the tall, gangly girl. I should have played basketball, but I didn't. I also didn't see the potential that I had.

Then came Jokester Allison. Always laughing & smiling. Looking like I'm up to no good. I'll usually put myself down in a funny way, just to get a laugh. I'm the one guys would be 'just friends' with. I SO wanted to fit in...

Both are pieces of me, but not the real me. I've been hiding for as long as I can remember. First, because of the lack of relationship with my dad. Then, because I didn't want anyone else to hurt me. Eventually, because I didn't want anyone to see the horrible pain my heart was in.

I've hidden myself from the world... most importantly, I've hidden myself from my husband, children, family & friends. I've played the victim in certain areas of my life so that I could ignore the truth of my life. I have battled this disease in some form since high school. Attempting to control what I ate, when I ate in an attempt to feel in control. Now my life is out of control because of the 'imaginary' control I was trying to attain.

So, how do I become the real Allison; the Allison that God intended me to be? Slowly & lovingly. Each day I ask God to work in me in each aspect of my life - not just the disease. Quite honestly, EVERY area of my life is touched by this disease in some way.

It's an uphill battle, but one that I don't have to do alone. Every day, God puts me in contact with someone who will help me in my journey. Friends, family & fellow program followers who speak wisdom into my life. What's even better is that every day, I ask God to speak truth into my life.

Slowly, I am learning that I DO have worth. As I gain self-worth, others will be able to see the real me.

I'm excited to see who I become.

Many blessings,
Allison