Wednesday, March 10, 2010

And so it begins...

For years, I've eaten in order to gain weight so that I would no longer be attractive. If I wasn't attractive then no one would want to hurt me, right?

I've managed to gain so much weight that now people notice me when I walk in a room. I'm the 'fat girl'. You know the one... she walks into a room and people give that "look". I've tried to eat to be invisible, I've become visible.

Yesterday wasn't a good day for me. Don't ask me why because I really don't know. Not sure what triggered it, but I just didn't want to be social. That's pretty hard to do when you're scheduled to go to Zumba classes with your friends.

Since I was 14, I've used food as a way to control my appearance. Back then, I just didn't eat or if I ate, I purged. At 20, I started using food as a way to suppress the HUGE hole that was inside of me. That huge hole was a GOD-sized hole. He wasn't in my life... well, he was - I was just running from him.

Here I am at 37, sometimes I still eat to fill that hole, but I'm learning each day to control that urge. The only thing that can fill that void is God. I need to focus more on him & less on food. Food only gives me that temporary 'high'...

I've been told that I'm going to have good days & bad days on this journey. I just didn't expect to have bad days so soon.

3 things that I'm grateful for from yesterday

1. I made a phone call that I didn't want to make
2. I went to Zumba even though I didn't want to go
3. I am blessed with a loving & supportive husband.

Many blessings,

1 comment:

Elizabeth said...

you made it through yesterday... now to work on today and tomorrow and so on...

You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you!