Friday, June 14, 2013
I've got to say, one of the hardest things I've done in my life has been to allow myself to be loved. Sounds simple doesn't it? But if you grow up thinking you aren't loved or wanted, being loved by someone can be pretty scary.
I have known the Mayor since we were 15 years old. We both turned 41 this year. That is 26 years!! November marks 16 years of marriage for us. That's becoming unheard of in our society.
I have always loved the Mayor, but I do believe there are different kinds of love. According to C.S. Lewis, there are 4 types of love:
Storge -- affection
Phileo -- friendship
Eros -- romance
Agape -- unconditional
At some point in time, I have experienced all of these loves with the Mayor, however I know I held him back from Agape love (and sometimes Eros). There are days, even now, that I struggle to let him love me. Little naggings in the back of my mind saying that I'm just not worth loving. However, the Mayor has been a wonderful example of God's Agape love.
Sure, there are days I wonder why he married me. I fear that he will one day wake up and hit the road because he realizes I am too much of a mess to stay with. Yet in those moments, there's a tugging on my heart, reminding me that he truly does love me.
The worst is when I try to make him not love me. You know that "I'm-gonna-show-him" side of my personality. And each time, he stays patient, continuously loving me, reeling me back in.
Feeling disconnect isn't the same as falling out of love. The love is still there, just hidden. Like a rare jewel. It needs to be sought out, cultivated. You don't just say "I do" and live happily ever after. Nope, hard work is ahead of you. That's stuff most people won't tell you about.
Each day that I allow myself to be loved by the Mayor, my heart heals just a little bit more. There will be scar tissue - just like any wound. But over time, the scar tissue becomes tough - a visual reminder of the battle.
Some days, loving me is a battle. Breaking down those walls tat I love to put up. We all do. Yet the Mayor continues to scale the walls of my heart, trying to free my heart.
It's not always easy. It certainly isn't always pretty. Yet it is always worth it.
My goal is to continue to allow myself to be loved. To allow my heart to get wrapped up in those wonderful feelings of love & acceptance.
Even when humans fail me - and they will - I always have the unconditional love of my Heavenly Father. The one who created me. The one who knew the plans of my life before I was even created. The one who sent His Son to die for my sins. Yet most days I even struggle with His love. I am so unworthy.
Overall, being loved means you have to love yourself. You need to forgive yourself for the mistakes of your past; grace. Giving yourself grace.
Posted by ~*~ Allison ~*~ at 4:27 AM