Back in time -- September 20, 1992

I haven't spoken to D since Wednesday! Oh well - things weren't mean to be.
I went to the shore for the day with this guy, J. He works at High Spirits with me. I have been wanting to go with him since I met him; did today.
I had SO much fun! We went & visited his nieces. Then later, we went to the boardwalk, went to the aquarium, he won me a stuffed bat. Then, when he dropped me off, he kissed me! :)
The best part is he wants to see me on either Wednesday or Thursday - after classes. :)
Then on October 10, we are going on a midnight cruise around Manhattan. :)
Now I am just waiting for his call - so I know he got home alright. :)
I am SO happy.
:)

And here I am, 5 days after my last entry and I have once again found ANOTHER guy I am so madly in love with. Thinking he could be the one. I mean, he took me to meet his family. Total marriage material - right?
I was so lost. Searching. Still the desperation jumps off the pages. If only I had put this much effort into my relationship with God.
One thing I can say is that every step of the way, God was there. Wanting me to run to Him. He was running to me. I was just too busy to see it. But years later, He welcomed me with open arms.
He will do that for you.

When God Ran - Craig Philips

Many blessings,

And now.... September 15, 1992

September 15, 1992 

D & I have finally gotten a chance to fall in love again, but neither of us will let it happen. I mean - I would love for us to get back together, but I am afraid I'll get hurt. He wants to get back, but is afraid it won't work out because my parents do not like him. I am willing to be with him even at the expense of losing my family; they love me & will eventually accept my decision. Maybe this is just a second chance to be with each other & not to fall in love. I guess I'll just have to wait to find out. 

Lately, he's been a little distant. I don't know why. I'm not hooked on him in a big way -- I can control it. Maybe he just wants to forget everything, but he has to let me know what's up. I cannot keep guessing. I've beeped him 2x & he has not called me back yet. Either he's asleep or he just doesn't want to return my call. It is possible that he has his beeper on silence and can't hear it. WHATEVER! Now he can call me. 

What's going on!?!?!?

It just saddens me to see how far I was willing to go to have a relationship. In this case, this was an extremely toxic relationship. Even when we dated, D and I were turbulent. I was a naive young woman and he was an older guy. He used to tease me that I lived in "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood" compared to where he grew up. Even though we had only dated 9 months in 1989, my life was upside down. There were so many red flags that I ignored.  I was truly blinded by the 'need' of being loved by someone.

Once again, this entry shows just how far I was willing to go to be loved by a man. I was willing to walk away from my family to be with an abusive man.

I'm not placing all of the blame with D. Hardly. If memory serves me, I pursued him. You can read that he was playing games with me by not contacting me yet I sat by waiting. I would have waited days. He may have strung me along, but I wasn't willing to walk away. I didn't have the self-esteem.

What would I say to this Allison?

Allison - please know that you are a beautiful young woman worth so much more than this man. You shouldn't be the one to pursue; you should be the one that is pursued. A real man.... a real man will pursue you. Will want to capture your heart and hold on to it for dear life. Not play games with it.
In the course of 6 years, you were sexually assaulted by 5 different men. You need to heal... mentally & emotionally. Take the time to heal. 

Here I am in 2015 finally healed from all of the pain. My goal in sharing these entries is to help others heal from their pain. They don't need to wait 20+ years to heal. They can start the process now. God has done amazing things in my life. Healing my broken heart. He can do the same for you.

Many blessings,

Heading back to August 18, 1992

August 18, 1992

I spend some time with L last night. Quality time alone. Something we both needed together. We just kind of watched tv, cuddled, kissed and comforted. It's such a great feeling to be cared for by someone other than your parents.
Even though the only relationship we truly share is a deep friendship, sometimes we are helpful as brief companions. I care for him so deeply - there's nothing I wouldn't do for him. We support each other; if we disagree, we let the other know. I believe this is the beginning of an adult friendship. 

Oh, this was the furthest thing from an adult friendship. Once again, here I am trying to use intimacy as a way to make a guy like me. I mean, if I'm willing to 'put out' he'll fall in love with me, right? WRONG!!!

One thing I have learned is that intimacy is something that should be special. Not something given away to anyone who may be remotely interested. Why you ask? Biblically, God intended sex to be between 1 man and 1 woman who are married to each other. It's more than just a physical connection. That's mere minutes... but there is also an emotional connection; a spiritual connection. Those connections last a lifetime. You don't forget them. Every time you give yourself away to someone that isn't your spouse, you lose a piece of yourself. A piece you can't get back.

Dear one..... protect your heart! Please! I can't beg you enough. Your heart... your body is worth more than diamonds. Not something that should be taken lightly. Love yourself. Believe me. There is someone out there for you that God has set aside.

In the years since this entry, I have learned to look at myself through the lens of God. He sees me as special. Beautiful. Worth dying for. Trust me, I don't always see myself this way.  Sometimes I have more good days and sometimes I have more bad days, but when I can see myself through His Eyes, all of the hurt and pain that you read in my journal entries goes away. He heals my broken heart & binds up my wounds (Psalm 147:3).

We (me & you) don't have to suffer in shame. I can hold my head up high regardless of what my past is. He wipes away the past. Picture a chalkboard (or a dry-erase board for the younger generation). You write on it and then you can completely erase what you've written. Never to be seen again. God's redemption is just like that.

Many blessings,