September 15, 1992
D & I have finally gotten a chance to fall in love again, but neither of us will let it happen. I mean - I would love for us to get back together, but I am afraid I'll get hurt. He wants to get back, but is afraid it won't work out because my parents do not like him. I am willing to be with him even at the expense of losing my family; they love me & will eventually accept my decision. Maybe this is just a second chance to be with each other & not to fall in love. I guess I'll just have to wait to find out.
Lately, he's been a little distant. I don't know why. I'm not hooked on him in a big way -- I can control it. Maybe he just wants to forget everything, but he has to let me know what's up. I cannot keep guessing. I've beeped him 2x & he has not called me back yet. Either he's asleep or he just doesn't want to return my call. It is possible that he has his beeper on silence and can't hear it. WHATEVER! Now he can call me.
What's going on!?!?!?It just saddens me to see how far I was willing to go to have a relationship. In this case, this was an extremely toxic relationship. Even when we dated, D and I were turbulent. I was a naive young woman and he was an older guy. He used to tease me that I lived in "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood" compared to where he grew up. Even though we had only dated 9 months in 1989, my life was upside down. There were so many red flags that I ignored. I was truly blinded by the 'need' of being loved by someone.
Once again, this entry shows just how far I was willing to go to be loved by a man. I was willing to walk away from my family to be with an abusive man.
I'm not placing all of the blame with D. Hardly. If memory serves me, I pursued him. You can read that he was playing games with me by not contacting me yet I sat by waiting. I would have waited days. He may have strung me along, but I wasn't willing to walk away. I didn't have the self-esteem.
What would I say to this Allison?
Allison - please know that you are a beautiful young woman worth so much more than this man. You shouldn't be the one to pursue; you should be the one that is pursued. A real man.... a real man will pursue you. Will want to capture your heart and hold on to it for dear life. Not play games with it.
In the course of 6 years, you were sexually assaulted by 5 different men. You need to heal... mentally & emotionally. Take the time to heal.
Here I am in 2015 finally healed from all of the pain. My goal in sharing these entries is to help others heal from their pain. They don't need to wait 20+ years to heal. They can start the process now. God has done amazing things in my life. Healing my broken heart. He can do the same for you.