Back in time - August 16, 1992

August 16, 1992

Never before have I felt for a guy the way I do for L. It's hard to explain. I love being with him. Everything about him; wonderful. He's been a friend, a companion & a lover; each aspect was just as committed.
When I need a hug or a shoulder to cry on, he's there for me. When I just want to hang out, there he is. When I yearn to be with someone in a physical way, once again, he is there.
I wonder if this is just a fling or if it will turn into something that is experienced by adults.

 I'll admit. L was a really nice guy. I met him through a guy I had met at college. From the start, he was straight forward with his intentions. Of course, I thought I could change his mind. We were friends. I wanted more. Clearly I thought he may have been a contender as a husband.

Again, my insecurity and self-loathing came in to play and I did anything and everything to keep him interested. I compromised who I was as a woman. He innocently used me. I say innocently because I don't think it was his intention. He was simply being a guy taking what a girl was willing to give him. The average guy doesn't turn down a sure thing. Yet for me, each time tore away at my heart more and more. A little piece of my soul was destroyed.

Looking back, this was one of the lowest times in my life. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually. It had been a year since my ex had sexually assaulted me and just a few months since another guy & his friend took turns raping me. These guys abused me in such a devastating way. At this point, I had absolutely NO love for myself. I was looking for love, but I was also looking for a way to erase those memories. If I could replace those memories with better ones maybe I'd be ok. But I wasn't. You can't erase memories - especially memories of rape. Those memories are always with you. You won't have flashbacks forever however I will always remember.

Back in time - August 15, 1992

August 15, 1992

Sometimes I wonder if I have already met my future husband or if he is still to come into my life. Is it possible that I might marry someone I already know? Will I ever meet my future husband?
There are many times I feel as if I am ready to settle down and get married, but then I realize that I am not even finished with my education. I know soon I will meet my Mr. Right, but until then..... 

 

Dear 20-year old Allison,

Oh honey. If you only knew what was in store for you. I know you're hurting and feel lonely. I wish you would have focused more on your education and less on wanting to finding a guy. You put all of your self-worth into the prospect of being 'saved' by love. Getting married doesn't make life easier. It adds another level of complications. Don't get me wrong. Marriage is wonderful, but it takes a lot of work. Work that you just weren't prepared for. The love of a guy doesn't make you whole. It won't fill the void that you have in your life; in your heart. The only person who can fully fill that void is your Heavenly Father. By seeing yourself through His eyes, you gain such self-worth. God loves you more than you can understand. He loves you so much He died for you. He wants nothing more but for you to be happy. He has great plans for you.

What is so ironic is that your future husband was someone you already knew. Since you were 15-years old. The reunion was a God thing. That's the only way I can describe it. A few months after this date, you prayed to God for the first time in a long time and asked God for a 2nd chance with C. Saying that you would do whatever it took to make the relationship work. You hadn't heard from C in 3 years so the possibility of a reunion was almost impossible. Yet 3 days after your prayer, C called you out of the blue.

Love, 43-year old Allison

Many blessings,

Going back in time - August 13, 1992

Like I said the other day, my next few posts will be journal entries from my childhood. Please keep that in mind when reading them. Know that the reason I am being so transparent with my journal is to show young women that having a man to love you isn't what brings happiness. There's so much more to life than finding a guy. Any names - besides my own - will be shortened to the first initial only.

August 13, 1992
I'm still in love with my ex-boyfriend, D. I want so much to be back with him, but he just won't allow it. He says he doesn't love me that way anymore. I know he does, he's just scared! I am sure my family is a big factor, since they do not even want me to talk to him (after what he did to me). But I forgive him for assaulting me. I trust him again. I think I just want to be with him because I have no one and he gives me a familiar comfort & adoration that I am lacking in my life right now.

This is the first entry in this particular journal. It was written over 23 years ago. My heart just breaks for the young woman on these pages. She was so desperate for love and attention that she was willing to go back to a guy who hurt her - physically, mentally, emotionally & sexually. It had to have been such a low place in her life. The self hate, self loathing is so evident especially in this one entry.

When I look back at this entry I am just so saddened that I was in a place that low. That I cared so little about myself & my self-respect that I was willing to put myself in harm's way. I pray that this entry and those that follow will be read by whoever needs to read them. That God uses this for good in someone else's life. If there is a young woman out there, feeling the same way I want God to reveal himself to them. That the only love that should be pursued is the love of a Heavenly Father.

Thank you for taking a moment to take a glimpse into my life.

Many blessings,

Diary of a young girl

One of the bonuses of having to clean out my father's house was coming across my diaries from childhood - tween & teen years. Probably even into my 20's.

Reading my written words brings back so many memories... some good and some not so good. What it has done was ignite something inside of me for today's girls/young women.

What does that mean?

It means I am going to share my diary entries on social media. Here on this blog.

Not only will I share them, I'll comment on them too.

I was a hurting young woman. One so desperate to be loved by a guy that she was willing to compromise herself. I freely gave my heart to any guy that came along. So many were 'THE ONE'.

I want our young women to see what teen love is like. Why they should allow a guy to pursue them. Not to be the one to pursue.

It's going to be an interesting experiment. I'm looking forward to sharing. Not because I want anyone's sympathy, but simply because I want ladies to know they aren't alone. They aren't the first to feel the way they do and they won't be the last.

Here we go!

Many blessings,