This past weekend I had to travel to New Jersey to help out with an estate sale.
One of the bonuses of an estate sale is that you have to go through EVERYTHING and see if you want to sell it. This stirs up memories of years past. I can honestly say there wasn't much that I needed to keep for sentimental reasons. Most invoked memories, but I was able to let them go to a good home (for a good price).
However one item that someone came across was my diary from Summer of 1992. As I sat reading the entries, I had a realization. I was starved for love by a man. Within days, I was 'in love' with several guys; most of them were 'THE ONE'.
As much as I can sit here & giggle at those entries, my heart breaks for that young woman. You can feel the desperation in each word. A young woman wanting so much to be loved unconditionally. To find the one that makes her soul sing. To the point of even contemplating reuniting with a man who sexually assaulted her.
My self-esteem was at an all-time low. I was willing to give my heart (and sometimes my body) to any man that came along. All in the name of being loved. Wanting to find my identity.
"... I forgive him for raping me. I trust him again. I think I just want to be with him because I have no one and he gives me a familiar comfort & adoration that I am lacking in my life right now."
Just because I was lonely I was willing to look past what was done to me.
I wish I could go back in time and tell that girl to hold on. That the love of a man isn't necessary. A person needs to love themselves before they can be loved by another person. The ultimate love is the love of a Heavenly Father. Only He can fill those empty places in your heart.
It saddens me to know it took so much hurt to get to where I am today, but I know that God will use it to help other women. My heart was shattered only to have God put it back together - piece by piece. Hard to believe that was 20 years ago. Yet here I am. A stronger woman because of those hurts.
Dear friend - do not settle for less than. Love yourself. Don't be in such a rush to be loved by a man. The right one will come along. Be patient dear one. Let God be your comfort. Rest in Him. He will give you the desires of your heart. Allow your heart to heal. The right man will guard your heart. But don't freely give.