Raw

This post is going to brutally honest (like I try to be with all of my posts). But I'll forewarn you, it may be "offensive" to some.

Thanksgiving marks 3 months since my father passed away. It still seems so surreal. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him & miss him.

I don't think I've grieved properly. It's not just about staying strong for my family anymore. It's more than that. It's about my faith. You see, as a Christian I have the hope that one day I will be reunited with my father again in Heaven. That knowledge makes me feel like I shouldn't miss him as much. I'll see him again.

But the truth is, this sucks!! I hate the fact that my father is dead. I don't understand any of it. Why was he taken so young? Why didn't he take care of himself better? He had SO much to live for. He had plans for the future.

Yes, I am VERY clear that God knows the plans He has for us (Jeremiah 29:11). I also know that all of our days are numbered (Job 14:5 & Psalm 139:16). I get all of that. I celebrate that. But we rarely think that our numbered days means BEFORE we grow old. No one ever thinks "I'm probably going to die when I'm 64". No, we all have visions of being in our 80's surrounded by grandchildren, possibly even great-grandchildren.

Coping with death is another one of those topics that churches just don't talk about. Shouldn't Christians rejoice that one day they will be reunited with their loved ones in Glory? More and more people have having "Life Celebrations" instead of funerals.

Yes, I want to celebrate the amazing life my father had. He was a very eclectic person, always on an adventure. But I also want to mourn my loss. He was my father. I dreamed of being his little girl. And now he's gone.

All I want to do is cry, scream, throw things. I want to just have a good old-fashioned tantrum. I don't want to put on a happy face for the sake of those around me. I just want to weep over my loss. Not wallow in it until I can no longer function, but just to feel like I am actually grieving. Right now, I feel like a fake.

I am not alright with any of this. I don't know if I ever will.

Many blessings,

Starved for love

This past weekend I had to travel to New Jersey to help out with an estate sale. 

One of the bonuses of an estate sale is that you have to go through EVERYTHING and see if you want to sell it. This stirs up memories of years past. I can honestly say there wasn't much that I needed to keep for sentimental reasons. Most invoked memories, but I was able to let them go to a good home (for a good price).

However one item that someone came across was my diary from Summer of 1992. As I sat reading the entries, I had a realization. I was starved for love by a man. Within days, I was 'in love' with several guys; most of them were 'THE ONE'. 

As much as I can sit here & giggle at those entries, my heart breaks for that young woman. You can feel the desperation in each word. A young woman wanting so much to be loved unconditionally. To find the one that makes her soul sing. To the point of even contemplating reuniting with a man who sexually assaulted her. 

My self-esteem was at an all-time low. I was willing to give my heart (and sometimes my body) to any man that came along. All in the name of being loved. Wanting to find my identity.

8/13/1992

"... I forgive him for raping me. I trust him again. I think I just want to be with him because I have no one and he gives me a familiar comfort & adoration that I am lacking in my life right now."

Just because I was lonely I was willing to look past what was done to me. 

I wish I could go back in time and tell that girl to hold on. That the love of a man isn't necessary. A person needs to love themselves before they can be loved by another person. The ultimate love is the love of a Heavenly Father. Only He can fill those empty places in your heart.

It saddens me to know it took so much hurt to get to where I am today, but I know that God will use it to help other women. My heart was shattered only to have God put it back together - piece by piece. Hard to believe that was 20 years ago. Yet here I am. A stronger woman because of those hurts.

Dear friend - do not settle for less than. Love yourself. Don't be in such a rush to be loved by a man. The right one will come along. Be patient dear one. Let God be your comfort. Rest in Him. He will give you the desires of your heart. Allow your heart to heal. The right man will guard your heart. But don't freely give.

Many blessings,

Roller coaster ride

I'd like to say I've always loved roller coasters. I have mixed memories of my childhood, going to Great Adventure with my family. I was fine on the everyday-run-of-the-mill roller coasters, but my father thought it would be a BRILLIANT idea to bring me on Lightening Loops (aka HELL).

Other than that one ride, roller coasters are my thing. It's an adrenaline rush for me.

Yet this roller coaster I'm on now called LIFE... well, it just sucks! I'd say its comparable to Lightening Loops.

Just when I think I'm starting to find my new normal, life happens and I am reminded of my loss.

Now this weekend... I'm headed to NJ in just a few hours to be there for our estate sale. Trust me, there aren't a TON of valuables worth millions. But we do have to empty a rather large house filled with a hoarder's treasures; most of which none of us want.

I am not ready to say good bye to those items. I know, I know. They're just THINGS. At least I have my memories of Dad. I love my memories, but I would give anything to have Dad back.

As we clear out the house, watching our items become someone else's, I pray for peace. I also pray that if it gets too difficult, my sister & I will know when its time to literally walk away.

I'm looking forward to spending time with my sister again... yet I can't wait to get back home.

Many blessings,