I have been a parent for almost 19 years.... and I still manage to mess up.
I love my dad... however, I have his temper. And it isn't pretty.
I am aware of my temper and I try VERY hard to control it. Don't get me wrong, I allow myself to get angry. But I do not allow myself to fly off the handle and overreact - until tonight.
So here I sit at 12:20 am on the verge of tears knowing that I made my daughter cry. I hurt her feelings. And I have to humble myself to apologize.
I don't have an issue with apologizing. My reaction was WRONG!! But now I struggle with being a terrible mother who hurt her child.
I know she'll forgive me. I know she loves me. But it is times like this where I don't love me. My anxiety & depression are knocking on the door of my mind. Telling me what a horrible mother I am. How my children would be better off without me. How they deserve a better mother.
I'm going to be honest.... it's hard to NOT listen to those lies. The lies that play on repeat, over and over and over. It's so easy to listen to the negative about yourself - especially when its coming from your own mind. I mean, who knows you better than you, right?
So, before I go in her room, I am going to gather my composure. I am going to pray for the right words. And I am going to pray for a quiet mind so that I am not up all night fighting with my brain.
Parenting isn't easy..... it's one of the toughest jobs a person can have.
And tonight I was reminded just how tough it can be.