Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Confessions of a closet binger

“Hello, my name is Allison & I’m a closet binger.”

It’s weird to type that. But they say that admitting your problem is half the battle.

I haven’t always been heavy. In fact, looking back on my teens, I was skinny. Maybe too skinny at some point. I was athletic too; softball, basketball, track. Now I can barely walk to my car in the parking lot.

When did it all change? When did I start using food to comfort me?

It was my early 20’s. After several years of abuse, I needed to hide. The best way to hide – become fat. I don’t think I gained weight on purpose, but I know that my love affair with food began because I was feeling like garbage. Garbage in, garbage out as they say.

Even now, at 36, I am overweight. I use sarcasm as a way to hide my true feelings of hurt & depression. Humor is my weapon & food is my love.

I know what you’re thinking – just go on a diet. Easier said than done. I do great during the day. Fruit, veggies, tons of water. Smart choices. But it’s at night that I have the problem. Food calls my name. I am a closet binger.

I have been known (well, no one knew until now) to eat an entire package of Oreos. Craving chocolate – don’t get a chocolate bar. Eat an entire container of frosting – GROSS!!!! Those 100 calorie packs of snacks are great – if you only eat ONE package of them.

I hide when I binge (I guess most people do). I’m not even sure if my husband is truly aware of my binging. He must have SOME clue, right?

I can’t binge anymore people.. I am slowly killing myself, but how do I stop? I wish I knew. Maybe therapy or at least a support group. Do they have those anymore? Not something online… but an in-person kind of place that will hold me accountable.

At this point, I can’t focus on losing weight. I need to focus on just being healthy. I’ve toyed with the idea of a lap-band, but that only works if you change your lifestyle too. If I continue to binge, I’ll only counteract the progress of a lap-band.

So, a journey begins. Where will I start, I don’t know. What I do know is that I need help.

Many blessings,

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