It's here, it's here, it's here!!

My BEAUTIFUL necklace from The Vintage Pearl arrived today. Let me tell you, it was SO worth the wait!!!
I'm all ready to hop into the shower & get dressed so I can show it off at Bible Study tonight.

While I can't afford to give anything away (yet), I am happy to say that The Vintage Pearl IS. They've got a contest going on right now - 2 $50 gift certificates. It's simple to enter. Hope over to their blog, leave a comment about what you're going to do on Spring Break. If you blog/tweet about the contest, you'll get another entry. Simple, right??? That's how I won!!

It's been an alright day otherwise. My food hasn't been too bad. No binges, which I am happy to say. I'm looking forward to the weekend. My youngest sister will be in town & I'm hoping to see her. A little jealous that she's not staying with me, but happy to have her here nonetheless.

Still need to make my 2 calls. That's next on my list.

3/12/10 thankful list

1. Mail
2. My sisters
3. Caller ID

I'm looking forward to the weekend. Can't wait for church on Sunday. Can't wait for group tonight.

I'm enjoying this journey that I'm on. I know it's going to be a rollercoaster, but I've always been a fan. Since God is in control (I need to remember to give the control over to Him), I know that it'll be ok.

Many blessings,
Allison

*Insert witty title here*

It's still raining, which means I still have a migraine. At least I was able to take a nice long nap so far.

As soon as I finish this post, I'll start making my phone calls. As much as I LOVE to talk, its really hard to step out & just call people that you don't really know. But part of this journey is to step out of my comfort zone and that's what I plan on doing.

No new revelations today. Not yet anyway.

I forgot to write 3 things that I was grateful for yesterday... so here's my list:

3/10/10

1. My best friend for checking in on me to make sure I survived Zumba
2. A wonderful conversation with a friend who is going through her parents' divorce.
3. God blessing of providing SEVEN paid spots at the upcoming retreat.

The day is still early to write my thankful list for today. I'll do that later.

For now, I need to eat breakfast/lunch. Do some reading & make my phone calls.

It's a new day & I feel happy today.

*** 3/12/10 thankful list***
1. phone calls
2. abstinence
3. fellow Rape Response volunteers

Many blessings,
Allison

Today

Today was just a day. An ordinary day. Not a bad day; not a good day. It was Wednesday.

I've rebounded after my bad day yesterday. Just when I think no one is listening, I find out otherwise. I love how God does that.

I'd like to say that I had a little more motivation today, but I'd be lying. This rain brought on a migraine late in the day. Stinkin' rain!

I didn't accomplish as much as I had hoped. Didn't make the phone calls that I needed to make either. So, I'm committing myself to make double the phone calls tomorrow.

I had more time to think about my affair with food. Just when I pushed God out of my life, I started trying to fill that hole with food. Food & other stuff. I've dealt with the other stuff, now its time to deal with the food.

I eat when I'm bored. I eat when I'm sad/depressed. I eat when I feel inadequate; when I just want to hide from the world. Lately, I've been eating because I'm bored. I'm dealing with the feelings of inadequacy.

I love my personality! Once you get to know me, I'm fun loving & outgoing. Maybe I'm the jolly fat girl... but I just want to be that funny woman.

I'm on a long road to recovery here... there will be ups & downs. I'm so blessed to have a wonderful support system. People who truly care. I love the fact that I've met up with people who are going through EXACTLY what I'm going through. I'm not the only crazy one.

Tomorrow is another day. Who knows what the Lord has in store for me. But I can tell you this, I can't wait to see what it is.

Many blessings,
Allison

And so it begins...

For years, I've eaten in order to gain weight so that I would no longer be attractive. If I wasn't attractive then no one would want to hurt me, right?

I've managed to gain so much weight that now people notice me when I walk in a room. I'm the 'fat girl'. You know the one... she walks into a room and people give that "look". I've tried to eat to be invisible, I've become visible.

Yesterday wasn't a good day for me. Don't ask me why because I really don't know. Not sure what triggered it, but I just didn't want to be social. That's pretty hard to do when you're scheduled to go to Zumba classes with your friends.

Since I was 14, I've used food as a way to control my appearance. Back then, I just didn't eat or if I ate, I purged. At 20, I started using food as a way to suppress the HUGE hole that was inside of me. That huge hole was a GOD-sized hole. He wasn't in my life... well, he was - I was just running from him.

Here I am at 37, sometimes I still eat to fill that hole, but I'm learning each day to control that urge. The only thing that can fill that void is God. I need to focus more on him & less on food. Food only gives me that temporary 'high'...

I've been told that I'm going to have good days & bad days on this journey. I just didn't expect to have bad days so soon.

3 things that I'm grateful for from yesterday

1. I made a phone call that I didn't want to make
2. I went to Zumba even though I didn't want to go
3. I am blessed with a loving & supportive husband.

Many blessings,
Allison

I feel free..

I always talk about being transparent. I find that it is fairly easy to be transparent on my blog because 1) does anyone actually read this & 2) will I ever really meet you in real life.

But tonight was a test of my transparency.

I went to my 2nd OA meeting. The 1st one was painless so I decided to go back for more. Amazingly enough, still painless. However, when you participate in speaking of any sort, most people introduce themselves "Hi my name is.... and I am a compulsive over-eater" (remember this is based upon AA).

I have no problem blogging about my eating problem and I've gotten a LITTLE better with saying it to friends & family. It's the whole admitting it to a group of strangers that I take issue with. I'm SO afraid that they're all going to GASP at my announcement (yes, I know full well that everyone there struggles with compulsive over-eating. That's not the point.)

But tonight, I did it. "My name is Allison and I am a compulsive over-eater". Imagine my 'surprise' when no one gasped or ran in horror. I was simply greeted with a friendly "Hi Allison".

It's a baby step.. one of many steps I need to take. But it felt SO freeing to finally admit it publicly.

I look forward to my next meeting.

Many blessings,
Allison

Confessions of an over eater

Several months ago, I admitted that I was a closet binger. Yes, it’s wonderful to be able to admit your problem, but it takes more than that. Last night, I finally admitted to my adoring husband that I had a problem with food. While I didn’t go into detail about my binging & hiding (what I ate), I admitted that it was a problem and one that he really is not aware of, especially the severity of it.

Now, my first step is to get help; professional help. This is more than just not eating healthy. This is about changing my mindset; realizing that I need to stop using food as a crutch and start leaning more & more on God. I am looking into Overeaters Anonymous. Of course, there are only 2 in my area & they meet at inconvenient times, but I have to make the sacrifice.

I am prepared for a battle. Satan has a hold on this area of my life – I realize that now. Not only will I seek out the help of OA, but I am seeking your prayers. I honestly do not know how many (if any) people read my blog, but for those of you who do I would appreciate your prayers. This is going to be a battle – I need strength. Please feel free to share bible verses with me or anything else that comes to mind.

Thank you for your support.

Many blessings,
Allison