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I got punched in the gut today. Not literally... but it hurt just as bad.

I've been pursuing a new career as a 911 dispatch operator. The process has been lengthy, to say the least; typing test, interview, background check & polygraph test. The only thing left was to have a psychiatric evaluation. I've really felt that this was where God wanted me.

Today I got an email stating that I am no longer being considered for the position. For whatever reason, they've opted to go with another candidate.

I'll be honest, I'm hurt. This is a big kick to my ego. What's wrong with me? I know I passed my polygraph - that's what the tech told me. Is there something with my personality? Maybe I didn't answer their questions the way they wanted me to. I just don't know.

I'm really at a loss of where God wants me. I'm really struggling with wondering whether or not I heard God right... maybe I've never heard Him right. Yet I know that's what my Enemy wants me to believe. He wants me to doubt my relationship with God.

Where to next? I've been contemplating school for a year now; maybe it's time. I'd love to do some public speaking about being a rape survivor... I could look into that. Forensic nursing is always an avenue.

I don't know what God has in store for me, but I do know that it's something wonderful.

Many blessings,
Allison

Bear with me

I have been unemployed for almost a month now. While I have been enjoying my 'vacation', I am starting to freak out a little bit. We need that 2nd paycheck. Unemployment has kicked in, but it's just enough to see us through.

Here we are, in the month of September, Christmas rapidly approaching. Anyone who knows me, knows that I LOVE Christmas. All of the shopping & gift giving. I get great joy out of picking a gift for someone and seeing their reaction. It's my LOVE LANGUAGE!!

Yet, today Craig mentioned that we may have to cut back. I'm ok with that, really I am. But the thought of not getting gifts for certain people really saddens me. How else can I show them my love?

I'm scared. I'm scared of what is in store for my family. Will I get another job? Will I get the job that I want - the one that I thought God had picked out for me? When will it happen? When will I know?

I'm not sleeping well lately. I sleep great during the day, but it's at night that I'm not sleeping. Thoughts fill my head. Thoughts of what we need and what we can't do. Thoughts of doubt and fear. I'm tired of just getting by. I'm tired of having 'just enough' to survive. I just want to collapse. I try to focus on the words of my Heavenly Father, but there's another voice shouting at me. I am desperately trying to ignore that voice and hear His whisper.

I feel broken and alone. I feel like a failure. I can't even keep a stupid retail job!

Again, I find myself keeping God in a box. Putting him on MY time line; not accepting His. Following his timeline is scary, like walking a tightrope without a net, but in this case there is a net. He is my net. He will catch me when I fall. He holds my hands as I balance across.

Lord, help me! Give me patience to wait this out. Show us where you want me to be. Show me the job you want me to have. Give us peace when it comes to our finances. Help us to stop worrying and start trusting more in you. Help silences the screaming voices of doubt so that I can hear only YOUR voice. ~ Amen

Many blessings,
Allison

Fighting back the tears

How do you fight back the tears over something you're not all that upset about?

I just got word that I have been let go from my current job. Reason: not a personality fit. Sounds harmless, right? It has nothing to do with my actual personality. It's more about the fact that I stand up for myself and do not fear speaking up when needed.

For the past 10 months, I have been working in retail. While retail was certainly not my 1st choice, I think I've done a pretty good job making it work for my family. Without sacrificing my family, I did what I needed to help make that store successful.

Recently, I felt as though I was being taken advantage of. So, I spoke my mind. Not to get anyone in trouble, but to have my voice heard. Instead of righting the wrongs, they let me go.

I'm not hurt that I lost THAT job. I am bothered that I have been let go because I did something right.

God is in control & He's got something great planned. We just need to lean on Him & wait for Him to reveal the plan. For now, I'm gonna wallow in my self-pity party. I'm angry that I didn't leave on MY terms.

This too shall pass.

Many blessings,
Allison

I'm tired & broken

What started out as a bad day yesterday turned into H-E-double hockey sticks!! Seriously, I just want to crawl back into bed & do the day over again. Man, why can't there be do-overs?

Nevermind the migraine that I had yesterday. I came into work only to see that BB (beloved boss) decided to change my schedule without asking/telling me. He, last minute, decided that I was going to close tonight (Saturday). Mind you, I've managed to close for the past 5 Saturday nights. Apparently, if you are married & have children then you CLEARLY do not have any type of weekend social life!

It's not that I don't like working nights... honest, it's not that at all. What I don't like is having my schedule changed at the VERY LAST minute and not be told about it. It's like a BAD surprise gift! I'm a planner... I like knowing my schedule in advance so that the family & I can plan our lives.

Then BB announced that he will no longer be doing the closings. What does this mean? Again - his life is CLEARLY more important than anyone else's. Can you say NOT FAIR?
I know, I know. Life isn't fair, Allison. I should know that. Really, I should.

I know what you're thinking right now. Allison, why don't you talk to him about it? Don't think I haven't tried. He's not interested. I know, you're thinking then go to his boss. Ahhhh... if it was THAT easy. You see BB & his boss have known eachother for 20+ years. Talk to the temp agency I work for? See, again, can't be done. The person in charge there is afraid of BB.

What's a girl to do? Pray! Pray that God has a change in store for me. Pray that the wheels that are currently in motion, stay in motion & work out to my benefit.

I promise, my next entry won't be so 'Debbie Downer'.

Many blessings,
Allison

Change is in the wind

I think.....

It's been rough lately. Life has been hectic, especially at work. It's tough to work somewhere where you know it's not your calling. I know this is a temporary job.

I've started applying for a few jobs. Came across my 'dream' job recently. It's in Forsyth County - part time victim advocate. Can't you see me doing that!?!?!? I mean, that's what I've been working towards. My goal - ok, part of my goal. But I definitely see it as a stepping stone for the road ahead.

Ultimately, I'd love to begin my own ministry. Get out in the public and tell my story. Tour high schools, colleges & youth groups; telling them about date rape & how you can overcome. There isn't a handbook on this stuff: Ministry for Dummies. (I wish!)

Anyway, on to a new topic.... Alaina

Stephanie has recently updated her blog. Alaina is making great strides in her healing (thanks to our Father). Of course, not as rapidly as everyone would like to see, but small steps forward are still steps forward. Alaina is going to be (she really already is) a testimony to God's faithfulness. I'm asking for continued prayer for her healing.. but also for Stephanie & Scotlon. This is tough on them. They are so very thankful that the Lord is working a miracle in their precious child, but get frustrated at the situation as well. Pray for their strength & patience.

Just purchased tickets for my daughter & I to road trip to Macon, GA to check out the Secret Keeper Girls conference. If you don't know anything about Secret Keepers, you've got to check them out - ESPECIALLY if you have a daughter between the ages of 8 - 12!!! Not quite sure how I found them, but I sure am happy that I did! Modesty, fashion, true beauty & God's word!

Oh well... time to finish up.

Many blessings,
Allison

Abuse me, please

Seriously, do I have a sign on me somewhere that says 'Abuse me'?

Working retail is not my dream job - never has been and it never will be. It takes a special person to work in retail as a career. I am not that special person.

God has provided me with a decent paying job that just so happens to be retail. We're living with it. There's a lesson in here somewhere, I'm sure of it.

What I cannot understand, for the life of me, is society's need to abuse one another. Customers have gotten worse since I last worked retail (back in 1999). The sense of entitlement is outrageous - now I know where America's children are getting it from - THEIR PARENTS!!!!

Today I experienced one of the most outrageous customers I have ever had the misfortune of encountering (that's putting it mildly). I had a 'run in' with him back on December 26th (picture lots of yelling, cursing, threats & bullying - oh did mention that he also like to SCREAM how much I liked screwing him?). I caved in on his request - because I was tired of being humiliated & abused and was fearful of my safety. You would have thought the guy would have vowed to never come back to the store, right? I know I do that.

Nope - today he came in with a chip on his shoulder. You could tell it wasn't going to be pretty. The first words out of his mouth were "Hey honey. Remember me from last time?" Here's the rest of the conversation:

Me: "Yes, I remember you."
Customer: "Uh oh, that can't be good."
Me: "You made that a rather memorable event."

First off, I'd like to say that for the first encounter back in December, I was alone in the store (only employee) however there were several customers who witnessed his tyraid. Back to today. Chris, my assistant manager (by title only) was with me today so thankfully he handled the customer. Again, more screaming, cursing, threats of violence & this time security was called.

I'll be honest - I was (and still am) afraid for my life (and Chris' life). This man was LOOKING for a fight. He even said "If she wasn't here I'd punch you right now". Cute, huh? Don't you wish he was your husband/father/son?

What gives people the right to act like this? What makes people think that this is the best way to handle a situation? Haven't they heard of the phrase 'You catch more flies with honey'?

I'm off tomorrow, but I am NOT looking forward to going back to work. He is a very angry man who certainly can be violent. I don't want to be in the cross-fire.

God has a plan.

Many blessings,
Allison