Raw

This post is going to brutally honest (like I try to be with all of my posts). But I'll forewarn you, it may be "offensive" to some.

Thanksgiving marks 3 months since my father passed away. It still seems so surreal. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him & miss him.

I don't think I've grieved properly. It's not just about staying strong for my family anymore. It's more than that. It's about my faith. You see, as a Christian I have the hope that one day I will be reunited with my father again in Heaven. That knowledge makes me feel like I shouldn't miss him as much. I'll see him again.

But the truth is, this sucks!! I hate the fact that my father is dead. I don't understand any of it. Why was he taken so young? Why didn't he take care of himself better? He had SO much to live for. He had plans for the future.

Yes, I am VERY clear that God knows the plans He has for us (Jeremiah 29:11). I also know that all of our days are numbered (Job 14:5 & Psalm 139:16). I get all of that. I celebrate that. But we rarely think that our numbered days means BEFORE we grow old. No one ever thinks "I'm probably going to die when I'm 64". No, we all have visions of being in our 80's surrounded by grandchildren, possibly even great-grandchildren.

Coping with death is another one of those topics that churches just don't talk about. Shouldn't Christians rejoice that one day they will be reunited with their loved ones in Glory? More and more people have having "Life Celebrations" instead of funerals.

Yes, I want to celebrate the amazing life my father had. He was a very eclectic person, always on an adventure. But I also want to mourn my loss. He was my father. I dreamed of being his little girl. And now he's gone.

All I want to do is cry, scream, throw things. I want to just have a good old-fashioned tantrum. I don't want to put on a happy face for the sake of those around me. I just want to weep over my loss. Not wallow in it until I can no longer function, but just to feel like I am actually grieving. Right now, I feel like a fake.

I am not alright with any of this. I don't know if I ever will.

Many blessings,