I usually strive on chaos. Being pulled in different directions. I think its because being chaotic let's me know I'm actually accomplishing something. Just another CHECK off my checklist.
Work is shorthanded, so there's been a ton of overtime. Until recently, I haven't minded. Extra money, helping my co-workers. I love my job. I love what I do. But since the death of my dad, things have changed for me.
I feel like I am being pulled in 20 different directions, without end. Family, work, church, coping w/ my dad's death, dealing w/ his estate. It's enough to drive a sane person crazy.
Lately, I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I'm going to snap. Averaging 20+ hours of overtime each paycheck is crazy. Yet, overtime is mandatory. My time with my family is suffering. I haven't really been able to fully grieve my loss. Yeah, I've cried here & there, but there hasn't been that full blown grieve. It's coming - I feel it building.
I has always tried to help co-workers with scheduling needs in the hopes that one day, if I ever need the favor, someone will help me out.
NOT SO MUCH!
We're all overworked. I am exhausted. On the days I do have off, I'm sleeping. Which means no time with the family. I'd love to say that this is only temporary, but I've been working this schedule for almost 2 years now.
Now add in my trips to NJ to help out w/ my father's house, I'll never have time with the kids.
Sure - the money will be great. But money isn't everything. I would rather live with less money and more time with my family. Heck, last night I got to the point where I almost begged the Mayor to let me quit. It's not that I don't like my job - I would just like to actually have a day off where I don't need to worry about getting called in to work.
This is just frustration talking. I know that.
But my fear is that my depression will surface causing me to go into a tailspin. At least I am aware. I've let others know how I'm feeling, so they can be aware too.
Praying for inner peace.
Many blessings,
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