2021 - an update

 It's been 2 years since I last wrote a post. So much has happened.

1st thing - COVID.

I'm not even going to address because I am tired of it. Just like the rest of the country. Plain & simple. I am tired of wearing a mask. I am tired of having my temperature taken. I am tired of the angry debates - to vaccinate or not to vaccinate. 

I chose to get vaccinated.

Back to the original topic.

2019.... My last post was about walking away from a church after being hurt and finding a new church.

Just like we usually do, we have jumped all in. Oh sure, we tried to just sit back & be anonymous participants. Then God got a hold of our hearts. As it says in Psalms 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and  binds up their wounds", He healed our hearts as only the Lord can, gave us a new church to call home, and brought us right back into ministry. 

The Mayor and I have started serving together in student ministry as small group leaders for 4th & 5th graders. I LOVE IT!!! Some weeks, I wonder if we even make a difference, but then other weeks I see God working in their lives that I know He is using us for them.

I initially started attending a Women's small group and now am leading it. Certainly wasn't in MY plan, but you know God. I have never gone so deep into the Bible before. I didn't realize just how HUNGRY I was for His Word. Not just for the knowledge of Jesus, but also for the Old Testament history and how everything is cyclical -- from Creation to Revelations. My faith has been on a journey. I didn't realize just how surface level my faith was before. Not that it was bad... but it just wasn't deep. 

The Mayor and I also are leading a Married small group. Just 3 other couples and us, but these couples. We are all total opposites, yet God has brought us together in such a way that it just feels right. 

In the past year, I have done a LOT of self reflection and work on myself. Mentally, spiritually, physically, & emotionally. I am in a great place; a place that I have honestly never been in before. It feels good. I feel free.

Songbird & Cool Breeze - they are full fledged adults now. Hard to believe. 

There are other things in the works. Ideas swirling around in my head that will eventually make it to paper and come to fruition.

Many blessings,

A new beginning

A few weeks ago, I wrote a letter to our former church. I also included a letter to our future church home.

We have been visiting a new-to-us church for the past month. It is considerably smaller than where we've been, but we are actually relishing in the anonymity of it. A lot of my irrational anxieties are held at bay because of the small size.

From what I have heard so far, I'm liking it. I will admit though, it is very strange walking into a building and not knowing a single person. As much as we feel that we have been 'anonymous', we were recognized this past week. Not because of who we are (The Mayor and his wife), but simply because we are 2 new faces that have been recent attenders.

The Mayor ran into the pastor in the foyer and introduced himself. When the pastor made his way into the sanctuary to get ready for service, he sought the Mayor out to introduce himself to me. At the end of the service, the pastor stands at the door and greets people. He remembered Songbird's name from our earlier meeting.

Songbird is adjusting. Change is a tough adjustment for us. She grew up attending a megachurch. It was nothing to be surrounded by hundreds of your peers.

It has a small church feel with megachurch worship. Perfect for where we are right now.

Personally, I am hopeful that this could be our new church home. I am not quite ready to jump in with both feet, but I'm alright dipping my big toe in.

I'll keep you updated!

Many blessings,

Time to say goodbye

Dear former church,

You don't know it yet, but we are breaking up. Honestly, you probably won't even notice I'm gone. Over the past few years I have been slowly slipping away.

I still believe and support your mission. I love the work that you do in our community.

But something is missing.

I have been hurt. My family has been hurt. It has become too stressful to walk into the doors of a building that was once a refuge for us.

While I may be walking away from this church, I am not walking away from my faith in God. God did not fail us - people did. One thing we need to remember is that ALL churches are made up of broken people. And broken people hurt people.

I hold no ill-will toward you. Your ministries have served us well for the past 10+ years. Now it is time for another family to fill out spots. A family that will grow & thrive within the walls of your building. Spouses finding that their marriage is worth fighting for. Students finding a faith of their own. Men & women finding their 'people'.

There is a lifetime of beautiful memories within your walls. Worship & community where you could 'feel' God's presence. Seeing individual lives transformed.

You have served us well, but it is time to move on.

___________________________________________________________

Dear future church home,

You've got a tough act to follow. Bear with us. It will take us some time to get our feet wet and feel at home. But we will. I am confident in that.

We will do our best to not compare to what we are 'used' to. You are your own entity. We respect that. Ultimately, we want nothing more but to walk through your doors and feel like we are 'home'.

So, again, I ask for patience as we visit. You may see us every so often or you may see us weekly. Only time will tell. Know that we walk into this with prayer.

Many blessings,

For a time such as this...

I was recently given the opportunity to speak at a women's retreat and share my story. Here is a transcript of what I shared. May it bless you.

*************************************

Hi ladies. As you may know, my name is Allison. I currently live here in Georgia. You may not be able to tell by my accent, I am not from around here. I was born & raised in northern New Jersey. I am married to my very 1st boyfriend and we have 2 adult children together. Our daughter turns 21 this summer and attends Dalton State College studying early childhood education. Our son turns 19 and attends the University of West Georgia studying business & accounting. We moved down here in 2004 and have no plans on moving back.

Ladies, I am trying something new today. Bear with me.

Usually when I speak, I share the nitty gritty of my life. The highs & loves. I outline the abuses that I have endured. But as I prepared for today, God gave me a revelation. My abuse, my journey is not what defines me. I've know that for a while, but it was only recently that I realized how I wasn't living it completely.

What I will share about my past is that my earthly father, while physically present, was unavailable to me. He was fighting his own demons. His absence played a vital role in my lack of self-esteem.

Depression set in at the young age of 12, often contemplating suicide. My teens years, while I was introduced to Jesus in a might way, also bore years of sexual, physical & emotional abuse.

One night in 1985, while in a major depressive episode, my best friend called and invited me to her church's winter youth group retreat. That one phone call saved my life, physically and spiritually.

I had grown up attending church, but wasn't really taught about Jesus. They focused more on the Old Testament patriarchs, Noah, Moses, etc.

At the retreat, I was introduced to Jesus in a whole new way. He was no longer the Easter/Christmas guy, but someone who had raised a man from the dead. At the age of 12/13, I learned the story of Lazarus from John 11:1-44 for the first time. For the talent night, our group acted out the song "Lazarus Come Forth" by Carmen. My eyes were opened to a Jesus I never knew. I was hungry and wanted to know more.

I began attending the youth group and experiencing God in a more personal way. I was connecting with other kids my age who had the same beliefs as me.

By 1986, I was spending most of my free time with my new church friends; attending youth group, Christian skate night, Sunday school, summer camp, & weekend retreats. We traveled throughout NY, NJ, PA attending Christian concerts.

1988 changed my life. At the age of 16, I realized that the youth pastor had been abusing me. Yes, it took me that long to make the connection. Back then abuse/assault wasn't talked about freely. I had no clue what was going on, I just knew that I left very uncomfortable around him.

I finally gained the courage to come forward. I told my parents what had been going on. They chose to handle the situation Biblically, as outlined in Matthew 18:15-17.

First they approached the youth pastor and confronted him with my accusations. He denied it adamantly and said that I was a troubled young woman who needed help. They then approached another youth leader. They, too, denied anything like that could possibly happen. The youth pastor was a stand-up individual who gave his time to the youth of our church.

The next step, they approached the church elders. My parents weren't even attending this particular church. The church 'investigated' and asked all of the teens if they had ever witnessed any abuses by the youth pastor. Every single one said no. Even other girls whom I KNEW were also being abused denied the claims.

Eventually, I was asked to leave the church and no longer have contact with anyone in the group. The other teens whom were my friends would call me and berate me for 'ruining' the youth pastor's life with my vicious lies. His abuse ripped me from my friends and my church home. I was SO angry with God.

In the course of 6 years, I was sexually assaulted by 5 different men in my life. I bounced from abusive relationship to abusive relationship.

Why do I share these horrors? To tell you that God uses those abuses for today.

Society's portrayal of victims - especially sexual assault victims - is that they are damaged goods; less than. Even my close family advised me to never tell a man about my abuses because he wouldn't want me.

For years, I lived that lie. I allowed myself to be treated poorly by men; emotionally and physically. Allowing them to use my body for their pleasures.

Eventually, God reunited me with the man who is now my husband. We have been married for 21 years. Our reunion started my journey back to God. You see, my husband was a literal answer to prayer. That answered prayer softened my heart towards God and brought me back to church and back to God.

My renewed walk with God started a healing in my heart. A deep rooted healing.

I've never been able to relate to the men and women of the Bible. I mean - Abraham - father at the age of 100! And Noah - building an ark when there was no rain in sight. Some scholars say that the earth hadn't seen rain until the flood.

It was Rahab who captured my interest. Joshua 2:1-24 tells her story.

Rahab, a prostitute/harlot, plays a pivotal role in God's continuous love story. She hid Israelite spies from the King of Jericho. She wasn't even an Israelite. Yet she recognized the God of Israel and that the land of Jericho belonged to God's people - the Israelites.

Because of her action and acknowledgment of God, her entire family was saved during the fall of Jericho. It isn't until Matthew (1:5) that we learn just how significant Rahab's role was. She is mentioned in the lineage of Jesus. She is 1 of only 5 women mentioned in our Savior's lineage. Here was a woman who was a social outcast in her culture. A pariah.

Our God found favor with a harlot and saw to it that she would play a part in God's story.

If God could use Rahab, couldn't He use me?

Her small seed of belief changed the course of her life and her family's life.

I wasn't a prostitute. But I did freely give my body to men who weren't my husband. In society's eyes, I was damaged goods - no better than a harlot.

Let's look at the word HARLOT. Most of the time it is used as a synonym for prostitute. But it also means: A woman who has many casual sexual encounters or relationships.

By all accounts, that definition fit my old life.

Like Rahab, God can redeem me. He can use my past to further His Kingdom.

Enter another one of my Biblical favorites: ESTHER

I have been fascinated by Esther ever since I read Chosen: The Lost Diaries of Queen Esther by Ginger Garrett. I needed to know more. So, I went to the source; the Bible.

Esther was an enslaved Jewish girl who saved the entire Jewish nation from annihilation. At a crucial moment in the story, Esther is reminded that perhaps she was chosen queen for that very moment in time (Esther 4:14).

That got me thinking.... Created. Chosen for a time such as that. Could God have created ME for a specific moment in time?

He created Rahab possibly for the very moment of saving the Israelite spies.

He created Mary knowing that she would be the vessel that would bring His Son into this world.

Life is full of moments. Each one of them special and unique. Was I created to simply be mom to my 2 children or wife to my husband? Or is there more -- not that I am not content with being a wife and mother.

I began praying for God to reveal His plan for my life. It started as a whisper; a stirring in my heart. Over time, that whisper grew louder. And so a ministry was born. A ministry to help other women. What began as a ministry for victims of abuse has morphed into so much more.

I want God to use me to help broken women find rest in our Heavenly Father. That is what He longs for us. By giving Him MY broken heart, He masterfully put each and every piece back together. Even the tiniest shard is tucked back into place.

Imagine your favorite coffee cup. As you wash it, it slips out of your hand and shatters. Sure you can see the big pieces, but what about those tiny pieces? Specks of ceramic. Even if you could glue your cup back together, there will always be a chip or two missing.

But God..... He finds each minuscule chip of your broken heart and glues it back together. Making our hearts whole. Psalm 147:3 promises us that "He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds." He makes us whole.

Don't get me wrong. It isn't easy. I didn't just wake up one day and POOF healed! It has been a painful journey; filled with ups and downs. Even now, there are days where I feel defeated and alone.

There is a very real enemy in our world - one that wants nothing more than to destroy each and every one of us. That enemy has us in his sights. He will use our 'weaknesses' as a foothold to gain access. He wants us to remain in the muck and mire. He wants me to stay in my depression, frequently feeling inadequate and unworthy. He wants to separate me from my husband and children.

As Jesus believing women, we are enemy #1 to Satan and we are in the fight of our lives. How many of us had 'issues' pop up over the past week as we prepared for this weekend? Causing us to contemplate if attending was even a good idea.

Ladies, we are together for a reason. And God has a plan for each one of you. Sure, we may not save a nation from extinction or even birth the Savior. However, God will use us in a mighty way that will bring Him glory. We are created in HIS image. So, whether healthy or overweight, tall or short, working mom or stay-at-home mom, pro-homeschool or pro-public school, we need to unite as women of God. We should lift one another up. Praise each other during the good times and encourage each other during the low.

Maybe we have been created for a time such as this? That this group of 8 women walk away from this weekend with a renewed fire in their heart and a glimpse into God's purpose. We can be world changers. By impacting our little communities, we can have a greater impact on those around us.

What have you been created for?

Heavenly Father... thank you. Thank you for this weekend. Thank you for each woman who is here craving to know more about you. Reveal to each of us your plan for our lives and help us to have the

motivation to take that first time.
Thank you for sending your Son and preserving your Word throughout the years so that we may have your Word to guide us.
Put your hands on each woman here as they not only represent themselves, but their families and their communities. You don't call the equipped. You equip the called. So we ask you to equip us for your calling on our lives.
Give us peace for the remainder of our weekend together. May new friendships blossom and old friendships bloom.
We praise your precious and Holy name. Amen.

****************

Many blessings,

Celebrate Recovery

Hi, my name is Allison. Thank you for allowing me to share my story with you.

I grew up with an absent father. He lived in our home, but wasn't present. He was fighting his own demons & had very little interaction with his children. My young mind didn't understand & I saw this as rejection.

To make matters worse, my paternal grandmother fed into that feeling of rejection by "reminding" me that I was a disappointment to my father. He wanted a boy. I was born a girl. Even worse, I was the eldest of 3 girls.

I wanted to be loved, cherished by my father, but I wasn't. So I looked elsewhere.

7th or 8th grade was the 1st time I seriously considered killing myself. I had a plan and was ready to do it.

Then the phone rang & it was my best friend. She was inviting me to a  weekend youth retreat with her church.

I went.

That was when I was introduced to the miracle-working Jesus. I learned about Him raising Lazarus from the dead (John 11:38-77).

Wait? What?

I grew up going to church. I had all of the perfect attendance ribbons. I could tell you all about Moses, Abraham, Isaac, Jonah. Jesus was about Christmas & Easter. But I had never heard that story. I wanted more. I began attending church & youth group on a weekly basis. Making friends & learning about Jesus. I found a place where I belonged.

But then life took a turn.

From the ages of 14 to 20, I was sexually assaulted 4 different times by 5 different men. Each incident damaged my self-worth. Killing the young girl that I was. I truly believed I was garbage; simply trash. This spilled over into my every day life. I allowed men to treat me accordingly.

One of the most damaging assaults occurred from the ages of 14 to 16 by my youth pastor.

He was 10 years older than me. Just returned from college. Very charismatic. Under his leadership, our youth group went from 8 people to over 80. Teens from all over the county joined. He treated us as his equals. He made being a Christian fun. Roller skating, youth conferences, concerts, amusement parks. He introduced us to contemporary worship music.

The size of this group gave him access of more than 1 victim. I was 1 of 15 victims. Yet I was the only one who came forward and reported the abuse.

This resulted in me being asked to leave the church. None of his others victims were willing to come forward at that time. I was alone.

I was abandoned by my earthly father.

I was abandoned by my church family.

Clearly, I was abandoned by God.

The next 4 years saw me walk away from God. I wanted NOTHING to do with him. And I certainly lived my life that way.

I once vowed to remain a virgin until marriage. That didn't last very long.

By 17, I found myself in an abusive relationship.
By 18, I was drinking and no longer a virgin.

From there I bounced between boyfriends Though always returning to the one I gave my virginity to. We would date, he would break up with me. I would then start dating someone else. He would then want me back.

This went on for 3 years.

At 19, I was raped in my parents' home by an ex-boyfriend. My home was no longer safe. No longer my sanctuary.

A year later, at the age of 20, I was raped again. This time by my boyfriend and his best friend. All the while his mother & brother were in the next room. Several days later, they called to see if I wanted to "have fun again".

At this point, I was broken. My self-worth was shattered. I became a "booty call" for another ex. He treated me well. He deserved sex.

In January 1993, I was feeling lonely & depressed. I was looking through some old pictures and came across one in particular from when I was 15. It was a picture of me & the very 1st guy I ever dated. He was my very 1st kiss.

Something stirred inside. I was going to call him. I knew we were supposed to be together.

We hadn't spoken in 3 years. So I sent up a quick prayer (force of habit).

"Dear God, if I ever have a 2nd chance with him, I promise to do whatever it takes to make it work."

I never called. I chickened out.

Three days later, my phone rang. It was HIM!!! He felt lead to call me. We went out the next night.

Earlier this month, we celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary.

It hasn't been easy. He had to deal with a VERY broken woman with so many issues.

God answering that "silly" prayer back in 1993 was the beginning of Him drawing me back to Him.

Don't get me wrong. I know God never left me though I ran as far & as fast as I could.

Looking back, I know that His heart was breaking each time I was violated. I can see the times He intervened in my life, sending someone to intersect MY plans.

Through the relationship with my husband, I began to seek God a little more. Over time, I was able to forgive. My father & I were able to repair our relationship. He redeemed my father to the point where we were finally able to have the father/daughter relationship I had wanted as a child.

Eventually, I was able to forgive my assailants, going so far as to writing a letter to my youth pastor and extending that forgiveness.

By giving that forgiveness, I became free. I became a survivor. No longer a victim.

Psalm 147:3 is the verse God has given me:

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Imagine the condition of my heart back in 1993. Broken. Shattered.

God answering that prayer was the 1st stitch in mending my heart. That began my healing.

Eventually, I forgave myself.

I have many regrets. Ones that I will never be able to reverse. Yet God is using my past and my brokenness to help others. By sharing my story, God is building something beautiful out of ashes as promised in Isaiah 61:3.

I no longer feel shame about my past. I know that I am worth loving, by my husband and especially by my Heavenly Father. He sent His Son for ME!

I identify with various women of the Bible. No, not Sarah, Esther or Mary. More like Rahab (Joshua 2), the Samaritan woman at the well (John 4), and the adulterous woman who was about to be stoned (John 8).

Why these women?

Because they were deemed the lowest of the low by their societies. Yet God used each one of them to tell His story of unending love for us.

He is using me in that same story. And He can & will use you.

I will never forget what I have been through. I battle depression & anxiety on a daily basis. I have to constantly remind myself that I am not defined by my past.

He has (and still is) redeeming me. He has a call on my life: to use my story to help others.

Today is a step in that plan. By sharing with you, I am shining a light on the darkness the enemy tries to use to keep me down.

He has no power over me. I belong to the MOST HIGH GOD!

Psalm 107:1 & 2

Give thanks to the Lord for He is good; His love endures forever.
Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story -- those He redeemed from the hand of the foe....

Parenting fail

I have been a parent for almost 19 years.... and I still manage to mess up.

I love my dad... however, I have his temper. And it isn't pretty.

I am aware of my temper and I try VERY hard to control it. Don't get me wrong, I allow myself to get angry. But I do not allow myself to fly off the handle and overreact - until tonight.

So here I sit at 12:20 am on the verge of tears knowing that I made my daughter cry. I hurt her feelings. And I have to humble myself to apologize.

I don't have an issue with apologizing. My reaction was WRONG!! But now I struggle with being a terrible mother who hurt her child.

I know she'll forgive me. I know she loves me. But it is times like this where I don't love me. My anxiety & depression are knocking on the door of my mind. Telling me what a horrible mother I am. How my children would be better off without me. How they deserve a better mother.

I'm going to be honest.... it's hard to NOT listen to those lies. The lies that play on repeat, over and over and over. It's so easy to listen to the negative about yourself - especially when its coming from your own mind. I mean, who knows you better than you, right?

So, before I go in her room, I am going to gather my composure. I am going to pray for the right words. And I am going to pray for a quiet mind so that I am not up all night fighting with my brain.

Parenting isn't easy..... it's one of the toughest jobs a person can have.

And tonight I was reminded just how tough it can be.

Many blessings,

Life after rape

Yesterday's blog post got me thinking... all too often the media focuses on the rapist. Yet little is said about the victim.

Granted, I know they try to keep the anonymity of the victim. But what must she go through.

So I thought about my survival story. How were the days after the rape like for me?

First, let me say that I do not compare my story to the story of any other victim. Each victim is unique. Each rape is unique. Each healing process is unique. I am simply sharing this to give a little insight.

The first few days were surreal. Did that really happen? I mean, my rapists were guys that I knew. Was it all a nightmare?

Then came the blame game - did I do or say something that gave them the impression that I wanted it? How was I dressed? Had I been drinking? Did I say no enough?

What makes my story unique is that I was assaulted twice, on 2 separate incidences. Once occurred at my home by an ex-boyfriend, the second occurred about a year later by a guy that I was dating and his best friend.

The first assault took time to sink in what had happened. Rape wasn't talked about back then. Neither was sexual assault. It wasn't until a few days later, watching The Accused, that I had a light bulb moment.

Shortly afterward I began attending a rape victim support group. This helped tremendously because I learned that I was not alone. That the lack of sleeping and jitteriness was common. That while I was in a bad place now, one day there would be healing.

A year later, the 2nd rape. Yeah that one wrecked me. I blamed myself.

How could I let this happen AGAIN?

No one will ever want you. You're used goods.

Who the hell gets raped TWICE?

No one will ever believe me a second time.

I began retreating into myself. I started having trouble sleeping. I had to sleep with the lights on. Then I could only fall asleep once the sun came up. I didn't feel safe sleeping at night - even if I had the lights on. Eventually, I struggled going to work and  being around people. I would lock myself in the bathroom at work and cry. Finally, I would have a complete breakdown if someone stood too close to me (within 20 feet). I would shake & sweat. I couldn't cope with life.

And the flashbacks. Oh man. Those were the worst. They weren't just when I was sleeping. I would be out with friends and suddenly feel hands on me. I would struggle to breathe.

Even after a year or 2, I still struggled. I would have a complete meltdown, fall asleep and wake up not remembering the meltdown.

Then I started gaining weight. Eating my feelings. Trying to forget the pain.

Consuming large amounts of alcohol didn't numb the pain either.

This is what these victims have to look forward to. While their attackers get to live their lives as if nothing happened, these women will forever be changed because of what happened to them. Their lives are no longer care-free. Instead, they will worry. Worry what they did wrong. Worry if this will happen again. Worry if their attacker will find them. Worry that no one will want them because they have been 'ruined'. Worry that their friends and family won't accept them.

These women will have to learn to have a new NORMAL. A normal that is life after being violated.

My hope & prayer for these ladies is that they have a strong support system; friends and family who will help the healing process. Who will listen to them and not dismiss their feelings. That they are able to find a support group so they know that they are not alone in this. That every emotion they are feeling is the right feeling. That they will be able to one day share their story as a SURVIVOR and not as someone's victim.

The Brock Turner Syndrome

Today I read yet ANOTHER disturbing headline..... yet another young, white male (David Becker) was simply given probation after being convicted of raping 2 unconscious women.

The judge didn't want to penalize him for using poor judgement.

Poor judgement? POOR JUDGEMENT?

Poor judgement is drinking from the milk container after the milk has curdled. Poor judgement is wearing all white in a rainstorm. Poor judgement is testing how long you can drive with your gas indicator light on and then running out of gas before you get to your destination.

Raping TWO women while they are unconscious is NOT poor judgement. That is RAPE! That is SEXUAL ASSAULT! That is the actions of a SEXUAL PREDATOR.

This 'young man' was known around school as "David the rapist".

No jail time. No sex offender registry. He'll be able to move on with his life, go to college, have a career, wife, family.

And what do his victims get? They get a LIFETIME of nightmares. Sure, they can still go to college, but you can bet your ass they are going to be looking over their shoulder every moment of every day, wondering if the next guy they meet is going to rape them. 

There's always strength in numbers is the old saying. Not in this case. 

Nope. There were 2 young women and only 1 David the rapist, yet he managed to rape BOTH OF THEM.

And what did our justice system do?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

This kid is raping girls in high school. What do you think his college experience is going to be like?!?! More of the same. Think he's learned his lesson.... the only lesson he's learned is that it truly does pay to be a white male.

Yet again - one step forward, 2 steps back.

Many blessings,

A letter to a small group leader

Dear small group leader,

When you sign up to  be a small group leader for children (whether it be WaumbaLand, UpStreet, Transit or InsideOut), you are signing up for more than just an hour on Sundays. You are signing up to walk through life with the child you have been given, partnering along with the parents. You are to be a safe place for our children to go should they need someone (other than mom or dad) to talk with. You are investing in the future of that child. Believe it or not, you make a huge impact on them (and their parents).

My children have had some great small group leaders in the years that we have been attending North Point & Browns Bridge. Several come to mind as I type this letter. What set these leaders apart was that they invested in my children OUTSIDE of Sunday mornings too. Not just at camps or events. But during the mundane, day-to-day happenings. They were there to celebrate the wins, commiserate the losses and be another voice of reason for my kids.

What we don’t realize when we become small group leaders is that just as we can help make the church experience wonderful for these kids, we can also destroy that experience.

That’s what happened this year. One event changed the course of my daughter’s senior year.

My daughter is about to graduate from high school. She has been with the same small group leaders since her freshman year. She has wanted to attend every single event planned for the high schoolers. She’s been to The Walk, Vertical Reality, My Life and even a mission trip to Mexico. Her small group leaders have walked alongside my daughter through the end of a friendship, surviving a car accident & the sudden death of her beloved grandfather. She LOVED Sundays. Not just because she got to serve in UpStreet & Transit, but because she loved going back to church in the afternoons for InsideOut.

But this year, something changed. A simple comment made by her leader that made her feel as if she were unimportant and dismissed changed the course for her. She stopped attending InsideOut. Only once did one of her leaders text her to see if she was ok. Then, she didn’t go to My Life. Again, no phone call, no text, no email as to why. Even when it was time to film her senior video, she decided not to go. This was a day she had been dreaming about since her Freshman year. I’ll be honest, as her parents, my husband and I were looking forward to it too.

Thankfully, my daughter has the insight to know that the ‘church’ didn’t fail her; people did. But this lesson has made it so much easier for her to walk away from church. Instead of being excited to find a church near her college campus where she can volunteer, she’s not even interested.

Just as in schools, there are cliques. A small group leader is to try to bridge the gap between the cliques within the small group. In this case, the gap was made wider. My daughter attended her senior prom just a few nights ago. She looked stunning. But how sad was it to see the other girls in her small group, all dressed up and beautiful, posing with their small group leaders.

I know how difficult it is to be a small group leader. I have served in UpStreet and Transit. I also know how rewarding it is. My favorite memories of the past few years has been the time I spent as a Transit small group leader.

I don’t have the answer. I don’t even know if there is one. I  know that everyone leads differently. That there isn’t necessarily a right way and a wrong way. But I do know that what took 3 years to build up, only took 1 moment to destroy. 

I know that if something like this had happened in my group when I was leading, I would want to know.

Why did I wait so long to say something? That's simple. Out of respect for my daughter. 

Now I wish I had spoken up sooner. 

So small group leader, please learn from this. Take whatever lesson you get out of this and use it. I know I will. I know that this will make me a better small group leader should I ever go back to being one.

Many blessings.

Falling from Grace

Recently, I learned about a friend's "fall from grace". This got me thinking.

Whose grace do we fall from?

That's a loaded question regardless of who you ask.

Certainly, we fall from the grace of fellow man. When we make a mistake (big or small), our fellow man tends to lose a little respect. We've let them down. They see us in a different light. The bigger the 'fall' the more emotions that are involved.

But what about God's grace? Can we fall from His grace?

So, I started digging into scripture to see what God had to say.

2 Corinthians 12:9 & 10
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

I think those are powerful words from Paul. It is when WE are at our weakest that God's power is made perfect. We are given God's grace so that we may endure the fight we find ourselves in when we are struggling.

As I look back at my struggles, I can clearly see the hand of God in each event. Trust me, I didn't always see His Hand in the midst of the struggle. I would feel like He was far away. But I don't think that He distanced Himself from me. I was the one who moved away.

His grace gives me the strength I need to overcome. I simply need to lean on Him.

Isaiah 40:31
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, the will walk and not be faint.

So to answer my own question, no I don't think we fall from God's grace. It is a free gift given to us. We simply need to accept it of our own volition. He doesn't force it on us.

But His grace also isn't a magic spell, giving permission to run amok.

So to my friend I say, hang in there. God's grace is sufficient. It covers the multitudes of our sins. You have a long battle ahead of you, but you can get through it. Focus on Him.

Many blessings,

Where has the time gone?

Wasn't it just yesterday I saw the plus sign on the pregnancy test (and 4 others after that one)?
Didn't I just give birth to a tiny baby girl, marveling at the amount of responsibility I was being given?
Didn't she take her first step, say her first word?
Didn't she just start kindergarten?

Here I am... January 4, 2016, sitting in a Chick-fil-a Restaurant 2 hours from our home, waiting on our Songbird to complete the last step in her college acceptance journey.

A college has been chosen. Paperwork has been filed. Tests complete. We wait for the acceptance letter. Then we just endure the last 5 months of high school. She'll be a beautiful young woman walking down an aisle to accept her high school diploma. Ready for the next chapter of her life. Ready to spread her wings.

How is that possible?

I'll admit. I'm melancholy about it. I mean, what parent wouldn't be.

All these years I've fought to hold on only to have to let her fly. And fly she will.
God has great plans for her life.

No matter how ready you think you are the time just sneaks up on you.

Hold them closely.... blink and you'll miss it.

Many blessings,

 

Pardon the interruption

I've been quiet lately. Honestly, I haven't been motivated. 'Tis the season I guess.

Why am I breaking my silence now? Well, because I need to say this out loud.

One of my biggest fears is losing my husband. I have had vivid dreams of such. That The Mayor has realized just how crazy I am and can't take it anymore.

It's been quite a while since I've had those types of dreams. Until recently. The past 2 days I have had nightmares of this loss. These dreams are debilitating. I wake up feeling the dread. It crushes my chest.

I must have really been dreaming last night. When I woke up, The Mayor asked if I had had bad dreams. He said I was crying in my sleep.

I know that these dreams are simply the enemy's way of trying to get me to doubt my marriage and the bond that we have.

The enemy has been working overtime lately. My feelings and thoughts of self-doubt have been running rampant. Loser wife, terrible mother, failure as a woman, not having a job, not helping around the house. Add the fact that Christmas is an emotional time for me (since it was the last time I saw my father alive) and I am a mess. But that's how the enemy tries to hold me down. If I get into my head and believe the lies he's telling me then I will crawl in a hole and hide.

By voicing what has been going on, I am removing its power over me. I will NOT allow it to have power.

My husband loves me exactly the way I am.
My children appreciate the time I spend with them.
I will remember the wonderful memories of Christmas with my father.
God will provide the job He wants me to have. I need to be patient.

I will NOT believe the lies.

Many blessings,

Back in time -- September 20, 1992

I haven't spoken to D since Wednesday! Oh well - things weren't mean to be.
I went to the shore for the day with this guy, J. He works at High Spirits with me. I have been wanting to go with him since I met him; did today.
I had SO much fun! We went & visited his nieces. Then later, we went to the boardwalk, went to the aquarium, he won me a stuffed bat. Then, when he dropped me off, he kissed me! :)
The best part is he wants to see me on either Wednesday or Thursday - after classes. :)
Then on October 10, we are going on a midnight cruise around Manhattan. :)
Now I am just waiting for his call - so I know he got home alright. :)
I am SO happy.
:)

And here I am, 5 days after my last entry and I have once again found ANOTHER guy I am so madly in love with. Thinking he could be the one. I mean, he took me to meet his family. Total marriage material - right?
I was so lost. Searching. Still the desperation jumps off the pages. If only I had put this much effort into my relationship with God.
One thing I can say is that every step of the way, God was there. Wanting me to run to Him. He was running to me. I was just too busy to see it. But years later, He welcomed me with open arms.
He will do that for you.

When God Ran - Craig Philips

Many blessings,

And now.... September 15, 1992

September 15, 1992 

D & I have finally gotten a chance to fall in love again, but neither of us will let it happen. I mean - I would love for us to get back together, but I am afraid I'll get hurt. He wants to get back, but is afraid it won't work out because my parents do not like him. I am willing to be with him even at the expense of losing my family; they love me & will eventually accept my decision. Maybe this is just a second chance to be with each other & not to fall in love. I guess I'll just have to wait to find out. 

Lately, he's been a little distant. I don't know why. I'm not hooked on him in a big way -- I can control it. Maybe he just wants to forget everything, but he has to let me know what's up. I cannot keep guessing. I've beeped him 2x & he has not called me back yet. Either he's asleep or he just doesn't want to return my call. It is possible that he has his beeper on silence and can't hear it. WHATEVER! Now he can call me. 

What's going on!?!?!?

It just saddens me to see how far I was willing to go to have a relationship. In this case, this was an extremely toxic relationship. Even when we dated, D and I were turbulent. I was a naive young woman and he was an older guy. He used to tease me that I lived in "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood" compared to where he grew up. Even though we had only dated 9 months in 1989, my life was upside down. There were so many red flags that I ignored.  I was truly blinded by the 'need' of being loved by someone.

Once again, this entry shows just how far I was willing to go to be loved by a man. I was willing to walk away from my family to be with an abusive man.

I'm not placing all of the blame with D. Hardly. If memory serves me, I pursued him. You can read that he was playing games with me by not contacting me yet I sat by waiting. I would have waited days. He may have strung me along, but I wasn't willing to walk away. I didn't have the self-esteem.

What would I say to this Allison?

Allison - please know that you are a beautiful young woman worth so much more than this man. You shouldn't be the one to pursue; you should be the one that is pursued. A real man.... a real man will pursue you. Will want to capture your heart and hold on to it for dear life. Not play games with it.
In the course of 6 years, you were sexually assaulted by 5 different men. You need to heal... mentally & emotionally. Take the time to heal. 

Here I am in 2015 finally healed from all of the pain. My goal in sharing these entries is to help others heal from their pain. They don't need to wait 20+ years to heal. They can start the process now. God has done amazing things in my life. Healing my broken heart. He can do the same for you.

Many blessings,

Heading back to August 18, 1992

August 18, 1992

I spend some time with L last night. Quality time alone. Something we both needed together. We just kind of watched tv, cuddled, kissed and comforted. It's such a great feeling to be cared for by someone other than your parents.
Even though the only relationship we truly share is a deep friendship, sometimes we are helpful as brief companions. I care for him so deeply - there's nothing I wouldn't do for him. We support each other; if we disagree, we let the other know. I believe this is the beginning of an adult friendship. 

Oh, this was the furthest thing from an adult friendship. Once again, here I am trying to use intimacy as a way to make a guy like me. I mean, if I'm willing to 'put out' he'll fall in love with me, right? WRONG!!!

One thing I have learned is that intimacy is something that should be special. Not something given away to anyone who may be remotely interested. Why you ask? Biblically, God intended sex to be between 1 man and 1 woman who are married to each other. It's more than just a physical connection. That's mere minutes... but there is also an emotional connection; a spiritual connection. Those connections last a lifetime. You don't forget them. Every time you give yourself away to someone that isn't your spouse, you lose a piece of yourself. A piece you can't get back.

Dear one..... protect your heart! Please! I can't beg you enough. Your heart... your body is worth more than diamonds. Not something that should be taken lightly. Love yourself. Believe me. There is someone out there for you that God has set aside.

In the years since this entry, I have learned to look at myself through the lens of God. He sees me as special. Beautiful. Worth dying for. Trust me, I don't always see myself this way.  Sometimes I have more good days and sometimes I have more bad days, but when I can see myself through His Eyes, all of the hurt and pain that you read in my journal entries goes away. He heals my broken heart & binds up my wounds (Psalm 147:3).

We (me & you) don't have to suffer in shame. I can hold my head up high regardless of what my past is. He wipes away the past. Picture a chalkboard (or a dry-erase board for the younger generation). You write on it and then you can completely erase what you've written. Never to be seen again. God's redemption is just like that.

Many blessings,

Back in time - August 16, 1992

August 16, 1992

Never before have I felt for a guy the way I do for L. It's hard to explain. I love being with him. Everything about him; wonderful. He's been a friend, a companion & a lover; each aspect was just as committed.
When I need a hug or a shoulder to cry on, he's there for me. When I just want to hang out, there he is. When I yearn to be with someone in a physical way, once again, he is there.
I wonder if this is just a fling or if it will turn into something that is experienced by adults.

 I'll admit. L was a really nice guy. I met him through a guy I had met at college. From the start, he was straight forward with his intentions. Of course, I thought I could change his mind. We were friends. I wanted more. Clearly I thought he may have been a contender as a husband.

Again, my insecurity and self-loathing came in to play and I did anything and everything to keep him interested. I compromised who I was as a woman. He innocently used me. I say innocently because I don't think it was his intention. He was simply being a guy taking what a girl was willing to give him. The average guy doesn't turn down a sure thing. Yet for me, each time tore away at my heart more and more. A little piece of my soul was destroyed.

Looking back, this was one of the lowest times in my life. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually. It had been a year since my ex had sexually assaulted me and just a few months since another guy & his friend took turns raping me. These guys abused me in such a devastating way. At this point, I had absolutely NO love for myself. I was looking for love, but I was also looking for a way to erase those memories. If I could replace those memories with better ones maybe I'd be ok. But I wasn't. You can't erase memories - especially memories of rape. Those memories are always with you. You won't have flashbacks forever however I will always remember.

Back in time - August 15, 1992

August 15, 1992

Sometimes I wonder if I have already met my future husband or if he is still to come into my life. Is it possible that I might marry someone I already know? Will I ever meet my future husband?
There are many times I feel as if I am ready to settle down and get married, but then I realize that I am not even finished with my education. I know soon I will meet my Mr. Right, but until then..... 

 

Dear 20-year old Allison,

Oh honey. If you only knew what was in store for you. I know you're hurting and feel lonely. I wish you would have focused more on your education and less on wanting to finding a guy. You put all of your self-worth into the prospect of being 'saved' by love. Getting married doesn't make life easier. It adds another level of complications. Don't get me wrong. Marriage is wonderful, but it takes a lot of work. Work that you just weren't prepared for. The love of a guy doesn't make you whole. It won't fill the void that you have in your life; in your heart. The only person who can fully fill that void is your Heavenly Father. By seeing yourself through His eyes, you gain such self-worth. God loves you more than you can understand. He loves you so much He died for you. He wants nothing more but for you to be happy. He has great plans for you.

What is so ironic is that your future husband was someone you already knew. Since you were 15-years old. The reunion was a God thing. That's the only way I can describe it. A few months after this date, you prayed to God for the first time in a long time and asked God for a 2nd chance with C. Saying that you would do whatever it took to make the relationship work. You hadn't heard from C in 3 years so the possibility of a reunion was almost impossible. Yet 3 days after your prayer, C called you out of the blue.

Love, 43-year old Allison

Many blessings,

Going back in time - August 13, 1992

Like I said the other day, my next few posts will be journal entries from my childhood. Please keep that in mind when reading them. Know that the reason I am being so transparent with my journal is to show young women that having a man to love you isn't what brings happiness. There's so much more to life than finding a guy. Any names - besides my own - will be shortened to the first initial only.

August 13, 1992
I'm still in love with my ex-boyfriend, D. I want so much to be back with him, but he just won't allow it. He says he doesn't love me that way anymore. I know he does, he's just scared! I am sure my family is a big factor, since they do not even want me to talk to him (after what he did to me). But I forgive him for assaulting me. I trust him again. I think I just want to be with him because I have no one and he gives me a familiar comfort & adoration that I am lacking in my life right now.

This is the first entry in this particular journal. It was written over 23 years ago. My heart just breaks for the young woman on these pages. She was so desperate for love and attention that she was willing to go back to a guy who hurt her - physically, mentally, emotionally & sexually. It had to have been such a low place in her life. The self hate, self loathing is so evident especially in this one entry.

When I look back at this entry I am just so saddened that I was in a place that low. That I cared so little about myself & my self-respect that I was willing to put myself in harm's way. I pray that this entry and those that follow will be read by whoever needs to read them. That God uses this for good in someone else's life. If there is a young woman out there, feeling the same way I want God to reveal himself to them. That the only love that should be pursued is the love of a Heavenly Father.

Thank you for taking a moment to take a glimpse into my life.

Many blessings,

Diary of a young girl

One of the bonuses of having to clean out my father's house was coming across my diaries from childhood - tween & teen years. Probably even into my 20's.

Reading my written words brings back so many memories... some good and some not so good. What it has done was ignite something inside of me for today's girls/young women.

What does that mean?

It means I am going to share my diary entries on social media. Here on this blog.

Not only will I share them, I'll comment on them too.

I was a hurting young woman. One so desperate to be loved by a guy that she was willing to compromise herself. I freely gave my heart to any guy that came along. So many were 'THE ONE'.

I want our young women to see what teen love is like. Why they should allow a guy to pursue them. Not to be the one to pursue.

It's going to be an interesting experiment. I'm looking forward to sharing. Not because I want anyone's sympathy, but simply because I want ladies to know they aren't alone. They aren't the first to feel the way they do and they won't be the last.

Here we go!

Many blessings,

Back to school - 2015

Today marked back to school for my crew. Songbird had the last first day of school - she's a senior. Cool Breeze started his sophomore year. It's an exciting time at our house.

However each school year always brings in that little twinkling of doubt. Am I doing the right thing by sending my children to public school? Should I be homeschooling? This doubt started years ago when a 'friend' stated "What kind of Christian mother are you that you aren't homeschooling". That statement obviously injured our friendship.

The Mayor and I sought out wise counsel shortly thereafter. I mean, we don't want to do the wrong thing. Thankfully our wise pastor told us that he has never seen "Thou shalt home school" anywhere in the Bible. We were good.

I am a big believer in public schools. Are there bad public schools? Of course. But there are also some great ones out there. As parents, it is OUR job to advocate for our children. Don't like something - do something about it. Don't get me wrong. I am not against homeschooling. What works for one family may not work for another. I have the utmost respect for families who do home school. I know that I am not organized enough to do it.

Getting back to today. As my children left, I wondered - 'should I be homeschooling?' Every time I ask myself that question, God always gives me a clear answer - NO. My children are exactly where they are supposed to be. Each year He reveals this answer through the teachers they get. Once again, He did that today.

I can rest a little easier this year.

Many blessings,