I was recently given the opportunity to speak at a women's retreat and share my story. Here is a transcript of what I shared. May it bless you.
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Hi ladies. As you may know, my name is Allison. I currently live here in Georgia. You may not be able to tell by my accent, I am not from around here. I was born & raised in northern New Jersey. I am married to my very 1st boyfriend and we have 2 adult children together. Our daughter turns 21 this summer and attends Dalton State College studying early childhood education. Our son turns 19 and attends the University of West Georgia studying business & accounting. We moved down here in 2004 and have no plans on moving back.
Ladies, I am trying something new today. Bear with me.
Usually when I speak, I share the nitty gritty of my life. The highs & loves. I outline the abuses that I have endured. But as I prepared for today, God gave me a revelation. My abuse, my journey is not what defines me. I've know that for a while, but it was only recently that I realized how I wasn't living it completely.
What I will share about my past is that my earthly father, while physically present, was unavailable to me. He was fighting his own demons. His absence played a vital role in my lack of self-esteem.
Depression set in at the young age of 12, often contemplating suicide. My teens years, while I was introduced to Jesus in a might way, also bore years of sexual, physical & emotional abuse.
One night in 1985, while in a major depressive episode, my best friend called and invited me to her church's winter youth group retreat. That one phone call saved my life, physically and spiritually.
I had grown up attending church, but wasn't really taught about Jesus. They focused more on the Old Testament patriarchs, Noah, Moses, etc.
At the retreat, I was introduced to Jesus in a whole new way. He was no longer the Easter/Christmas guy, but someone who had raised a man from the dead. At the age of 12/13, I learned the story of Lazarus from John 11:1-44 for the first time. For the talent night, our group acted out the song "Lazarus Come Forth" by Carmen. My eyes were opened to a Jesus I never knew. I was hungry and wanted to know more.
I began attending the youth group and experiencing God in a more personal way. I was connecting with other kids my age who had the same beliefs as me.
By 1986, I was spending most of my free time with my new church friends; attending youth group, Christian skate night, Sunday school, summer camp, & weekend retreats. We traveled throughout NY, NJ, PA attending Christian concerts.
1988 changed my life. At the age of 16, I realized that the youth pastor had been abusing me. Yes, it took me that long to make the connection. Back then abuse/assault wasn't talked about freely. I had no clue what was going on, I just knew that I left very uncomfortable around him.
I finally gained the courage to come forward. I told my parents what had been going on. They chose to handle the situation Biblically, as outlined in Matthew 18:15-17.
First they approached the youth pastor and confronted him with my accusations. He denied it adamantly and said that I was a troubled young woman who needed help. They then approached another youth leader. They, too, denied anything like that could possibly happen. The youth pastor was a stand-up individual who gave his time to the youth of our church.
The next step, they approached the church elders. My parents weren't even attending this particular church. The church 'investigated' and asked all of the teens if they had ever witnessed any abuses by the youth pastor. Every single one said no. Even other girls whom I KNEW were also being abused denied the claims.
Eventually, I was asked to leave the church and no longer have contact with anyone in the group. The other teens whom were my friends would call me and berate me for 'ruining' the youth pastor's life with my vicious lies. His abuse ripped me from my friends and my church home. I was SO angry with God.
In the course of 6 years, I was sexually assaulted by 5 different men in my life. I bounced from abusive relationship to abusive relationship.
Why do I share these horrors? To tell you that God uses those abuses for today.
Society's portrayal of victims - especially sexual assault victims - is that they are damaged goods; less than. Even my close family advised me to never tell a man about my abuses because he wouldn't want me.
For years, I lived that lie. I allowed myself to be treated poorly by men; emotionally and physically. Allowing them to use my body for their pleasures.
Eventually, God reunited me with the man who is now my husband. We have been married for 21 years. Our reunion started my journey back to God. You see, my husband was a literal answer to prayer. That answered prayer softened my heart towards God and brought me back to church and back to God.
My renewed walk with God started a healing in my heart. A deep rooted healing.
I've never been able to relate to the men and women of the Bible. I mean - Abraham - father at the age of 100! And Noah - building an ark when there was no rain in sight. Some scholars say that the earth hadn't seen rain until the flood.
It was Rahab who captured my interest. Joshua 2:1-24 tells her story.
Rahab, a prostitute/harlot, plays a pivotal role in God's continuous love story. She hid Israelite spies from the King of Jericho. She wasn't even an Israelite. Yet she recognized the God of Israel and that the land of Jericho belonged to God's people - the Israelites.
Because of her action and acknowledgment of God, her entire family was saved during the fall of Jericho. It isn't until Matthew (1:5) that we learn just how significant Rahab's role was. She is mentioned in the lineage of Jesus. She is 1 of only 5 women mentioned in our Savior's lineage. Here was a woman who was a social outcast in her culture. A pariah.
Our God found favor with a harlot and saw to it that she would play a part in God's story.
If God could use Rahab, couldn't He use me?
Her small seed of belief changed the course of her life and her family's life.
I wasn't a prostitute. But I did freely give my body to men who weren't my husband. In society's eyes, I was damaged goods - no better than a harlot.
Let's look at the word HARLOT. Most of the time it is used as a synonym for prostitute. But it also means: A woman who has many casual sexual encounters or relationships.
By all accounts, that definition fit my old life.
Like Rahab, God can redeem me. He can use my past to further His Kingdom.
Enter another one of my Biblical favorites: ESTHER
I have been fascinated by Esther ever since I read Chosen: The Lost Diaries of Queen Esther by Ginger Garrett. I needed to know more. So, I went to the source; the Bible.
Esther was an enslaved Jewish girl who saved the entire Jewish nation from annihilation. At a crucial moment in the story, Esther is reminded that perhaps she was chosen queen for that very moment in time (Esther 4:14).
That got me thinking.... Created. Chosen for a time such as that. Could God have created ME for a specific moment in time?
He created Rahab possibly for the very moment of saving the Israelite spies.
He created Mary knowing that she would be the vessel that would bring His Son into this world.
Life is full of moments. Each one of them special and unique. Was I created to simply be mom to my 2 children or wife to my husband? Or is there more -- not that I am not content with being a wife and mother.
I began praying for God to reveal His plan for my life. It started as a whisper; a stirring in my heart. Over time, that whisper grew louder. And so a ministry was born. A ministry to help other women. What began as a ministry for victims of abuse has morphed into so much more.
I want God to use me to help broken women find rest in our Heavenly Father. That is what He longs for us. By giving Him MY broken heart, He masterfully put each and every piece back together. Even the tiniest shard is tucked back into place.
Imagine your favorite coffee cup. As you wash it, it slips out of your hand and shatters. Sure you can see the big pieces, but what about those tiny pieces? Specks of ceramic. Even if you could glue your cup back together, there will always be a chip or two missing.
But God..... He finds each minuscule chip of your broken heart and glues it back together. Making our hearts whole. Psalm 147:3 promises us that "He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds." He makes us whole.
Don't get me wrong. It isn't easy. I didn't just wake up one day and POOF healed! It has been a painful journey; filled with ups and downs. Even now, there are days where I feel defeated and alone.
There is a very real enemy in our world - one that wants nothing more than to destroy each and every one of us. That enemy has us in his sights. He will use our 'weaknesses' as a foothold to gain access. He wants us to remain in the muck and mire. He wants me to stay in my depression, frequently feeling inadequate and unworthy. He wants to separate me from my husband and children.
As Jesus believing women, we are enemy #1 to Satan and we are in the fight of our lives. How many of us had 'issues' pop up over the past week as we prepared for this weekend? Causing us to contemplate if attending was even a good idea.
Ladies, we are together for a reason. And God has a plan for each one of you. Sure, we may not save a nation from extinction or even birth the Savior. However, God will use us in a mighty way that will bring Him glory. We are created in HIS image. So, whether healthy or overweight, tall or short, working mom or stay-at-home mom, pro-homeschool or pro-public school, we need to unite as women of God. We should lift one another up. Praise each other during the good times and encourage each other during the low.
Maybe we have been created for a time such as this? That this group of 8 women walk away from this weekend with a renewed fire in their heart and a glimpse into God's purpose. We can be world changers. By impacting our little communities, we can have a greater impact on those around us.
What have you been created for?
Heavenly Father... thank you. Thank you for this weekend. Thank you for each woman who is here craving to know more about you. Reveal to each of us your plan for our lives and help us to have the
motivation to take that first time.
Thank you for sending your Son and preserving your Word throughout the years so that we may have your Word to guide us.
Put your hands on each woman here as they not only represent themselves, but their families and their communities. You don't call the equipped. You equip the called. So we ask you to equip us for your calling on our lives.
Give us peace for the remainder of our weekend together. May new friendships blossom and old friendships bloom.
We praise your precious and Holy name. Amen.
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Many blessings,
