Pieces of Me

They really DO love eachother

2012-02-04T03:11:00.003-05:00

Songbird & Slugger have a typical sibling ~~rivalry~~ relationship. The moment they wake up in the morning, they argue: who took the remote, who ate the last of the cereal, who's breathing whose air. This usually continues until its time for bed.

I can't say that my sisters & I had the best sibling relationship growing up, so I certainly didn't have unrealistic expectations for my own children. However, as they get older they seem to argue more. I guess hormones will do that.

This week, hope has been restored.

The family came home from school/work the other day. Due to my new work schedule, as they were headed IN the door, I was headed out. I think we had a 10 minute window of hello/goodbye. The Mayor came in the room while I was getting ready and said that Slugger had been physically bullied at school. Some ~~hoodlum~~ boy twisted Slugger's arm behind his back. What makes this worse is that Slugger wasn't the one who told us. SONGBIRD did!! She happened to be in the cafeteria when it happened. Thankfully, she had the wherewithal to inform the school guidance counselor. We have spoken to Slugger about the situation & the school. The incident has been handled.

The moral of my story is that when push comes to shove, my children WILL look out for one another. That is a comfort. I can't always be there (even though they think I have eyes in the back of my head).

Many blessings,

Sovereignty

2012-01-28T03:52:00.001-05:00

Satan not only acts within the sovereign permission of God, but also ends up accomplishing the sovereign purposes of God. ~ David Platt, Radical: Taking Back Your Faith from the American Dream

The BFF & I were having a conversation the other day. I think it was more like I was ranting and she was listening. But then she said something profound. She quoted the text above in reference to my rant, but I realized it could be applied to other aspects of my life too.

Like my past. Any one of those things would be enough to drive someone insane. Quite honestly, there was a point where it did. Feeling abandoned; alone. As if no one cared. Hard to see God in the midst of it all. What Satan tried to use to destroy me has been brought to the forefront and will glorify God.

It's not about dwelling on the negative, but focusing on the positive. God's purpose is to reveal His love to the hurting; the suffering. When everyone else has walked out, God is still in our midst.

I try to be honest in this blog. I didn't always sense God's presence. In fact, quite the opposite. That's why I ran. I felt God had deserted me. It wasn't until I was in my 30's that I realized that God had never left. He was actively pursuing me -- even in my times of need. I was just too hurt and angry to hear Him.

That is where Mending Hearts comes into play. An opportunity to have something good come out of something bad.

Focus on God's sovereignty. Try to hear the still small whisper. He is there.

Many blessings,

Consumer vs. Follower

2012-01-28T03:41:00.001-05:00

At church last Sunday, Andy spoke about being a consumer vs. a follower of Christ. A consumer merely is a person who says they are a Christian. Then there's a pivotal moment where they give up their life and become a follower.

That got me thinking about my own life; my own walk w/ Christ. When did I become follower, not merely a consumer. I can't pinpoint the date. Maybe it came from maturing in age as well as spirituality. There are still times where I revert back to being a consumer. I think that's only natural.

I've realized that I am more at peace as a follower. I rely more on God and less on myself. Anxiety is less. My abandonment issues are fairly non-existent. You would think I would simply continue to live as a follower.

Truth is, I sabotage things sometimes. I give my cares & worries over to God and then at some point they sneak back into my life. I take them back. It's not that I don't think God can't handle them - I KNOW He can. It's more like I think that they are so insignificant to Him. I mean, He's got a lot more important things to worry about than little ol' me.

Then reality hits me. I am more than just little ol' me when it comes to God. He think I am important. He loved me enough to create me. My problems are monumental to Him as they are to me.

So, I will try to continue to focus on my relationship... focusing on simply being a follower.

Many blessings,

What's your wall?

2012-01-10T04:36:00.000-05:00

Today's sermon... I've heard Andy preach on this verse before.

Nehemiah 6:3I am doing a great work and cannot come down.

For over 15 years, it has been his family's "mantra". This year, I adopt it as mine.

There's a few things in my life that I need to work on, but as he was preaching I automatically thought of the ministry. Man, I'm telling you - Andy was talking TO ME!! What am I waiting for when it comes to this ministry? The right amount of money? The right time?

God's timing is always the right time. If money is needed, He will provide. I just need to take that step of faith. If you want to walk on water, you've got to get out of the boat.

It's time for me to get out of the boat & climb up my wall.

I'm not coming down til that wall is done.

What's your wall???

Many blessings,

Allison

Hope has a heartbeat

2011-11-14T11:28:00.003-05:00

I love seeing God at work. I know He works in our lives every minute of every day, but its in those moments when you can SEE it that just blows me away.

This past weekend was the Sista Herd retreat. Sadly, I missed the one this past spring and I was missing the fall one too. I was scheduled to work. Last minute, God arranged it so that I was off from work. Finances fell into place and I was on my way.

For those of you who know me, I do not to 'solo' very well. I am not one to relish in the joy that is eating in a restaurant alone. HATE IT!!! Yet, I was making this trip through Chattahoochee National Forest on my own. I needed that down time. It was an opportunity to talk w/ God as I enjoyed the nature around me.

Only a handful of people knew that I was showing up. At one point, a dear friend even 'threatened' to kidnap me so I could go. Before I got to the retreat, I stopped for directions. There the enemy was.... talking so softly 'You're here alone. It's not like you have your friends here. You're just going to be the odd man out all weekend.' At that point, I wanted to turn around. What the heck was a I doing? Seriously - why would I do something like this without the security blanket of at least 1 friend from home. I was setting myself up for failure.

When I parked, instead of going right inside to say HI, I took out a book and started to read. Not sure why. It was my way of avoiding the inevitable. Just then, I saw Shellie. I decided to get out of the van & say hi. It was more than a HELLO!!! It was a giant hug of sunshine from a dear person. Shellie was HONESTLY happy to see me. I needed that hug... I needed that moment of want.

Jennie...... I've met Jennie once over a year and a half ago at my first retreat in Kure Beach, NC. We haven't seen each other since. When Jennie arrived on Friday, the 1st thing she did was stop what she was going, come over to me, give me a big hug and tell me how great it was to see me. This spoke to my broken in heart in such a way. I often wonder if people remember me. If they think about me the way I think about them. That moment in time confirmed it... I DO MATTER!!!

The weekend was about HOPE HAS A HEARTBEAT. It sure does. I went in to this weekend feeling hopeless about situations at home. God spoke to my heart, told me what I needed to hear and moved on. There was MORE I needed to hear. More that I wasn't planning on hearing. More that I didn't think I needed to hear.

I've always struggled with belonging. Having a place in this world. Having friends. That loss has been tremendous lately. Especially with life happening.

God used this weekend to show me that I do have friends. I do belong. I belong to a King... I am His princess. I am surrounded by other princesses who truly LOVE me.

This weekend, I went in thinking I was going to hear a message that would give me hope about my family. Instead, I got a message of love, friendship & hope. I am loved by an amazing group of SISTERS.... while time & miles may separate us, we pray for one another. Our lives are intertwined and God is using each of us.

Thank you my SISTAS!!! You touched my heart in ways that you will never know. Thank you God for arranging this weekend. For only YOU could have arranged it as perfectly as you did.

Many blessings,

One thing remains.....

2011-09-18T22:38:00.004-04:00

I survived last night's pity party. I'm still feeling a little 'down', but I had one of those CLARITY moments today.

Woke up with a GERD attack AND a migraine, so I wasn't able to go to work. I did manage to get out of bed for a few this morning... just enough to tune in to church. Yes, you read that right - I was able to TUNE into church.

They were in the middle of worshiping - my FAVORITE part of service. It's one way I feel totally connected to my Heavenly Father. Standing in the middle of a room, eyes closed tight, face up to heaven, arms stretched out.... I can 'feel' God hugging me.

I SO needed to hear this song. It was as if God selected it just for ME! It spoke straight to my heart.

Your love never fails
It never gives up
It never runs out on me

It's SO true... when I feel as though everyone else in my life has walked out - Jesus is still there IN the middle of everything. Loving on me.. embracing me. Comforting me. I just need to be willing to be still and accept it.

Enjoy!

Many blessings,

Raw

2011-09-17T20:02:00.002-04:00

Before you continue reading, please know that I am fully aware of the PC things I'm supposed to 'feel'. I get it. I just need to rant/vent.

Throughout life, I have always felt like a wall flower. You know, the girl who's there but not really there. Blending into the woodwork. When you meet me, I'm either SUPER quiet or SUPER loud. Most people would describe me as an extrovert. However - I AM NOT! I am an introvert.

I can be in a crowded room and feel totally alone. Like I'm on the outside, looking in. A misfit. Don't really belong anywhere... just 'floating'.

I feel like this at work. I feel like this at work. I feel like this in my own family sometimes.

Am I that different? Awkward?

Today I am hurting. Tired of feeling alone. Tired of looking from the outside. Tired of feeling as though I just don't belong. I am tired of hurting!

I will say that I wanted to binge - BIG TIME!! Oh, I was planning ways to run and get binge food while at work. Heck, I was tempted to stop on the way home and binge. But I fought the urge. I know that it would only make me feel worse.

Instead, I came home and had a good cry.

Tonight, I'll curl up on the couch, pretend I'm watching college football w/ The Mayor and then head to bed. Not an exciting night - but I'm not feeling very exciting right now.

Don't pity me. Don't feel sorry for me.. I simply ask that when you think of it - lift me up in prayer.

Many blessings,

Yet another life lesson....

2011-08-20T11:41:00.004-04:00

This summer we went through a pretty rough time - health wise.

The mayor was scheduled to go on a missions trip to the Philippines with the high schoolers at our church. He had been planning this for about a year. Raised the necessary money, got his passport in order. Plane ticket was ordered. It was a done deal.

About 2 weeks before the scheduled trip, the Mayor started complaining of some burning feeling in his stomach. Eventually, this resulted in an unscheduled trip to the ER on a Sunday morning (aren't all ER visits unscheduled?).

While our children were in Transit, the Mayor and I 'snuck' off to the ER. Before you freak out about what a terrible parent I am, know that we made sure people were aware of what was going on. My plan was to get the Mayor checked in to the ER and then head back to church to pick up Songbird and Slugger. From there, I needed to find someone to take care of them so I could go back to the ER.

As I sat in that ER waiting room, I remember thinking 'Man, I am SO mad at the Professor for moving'. The Professor is BFF's husband and you'll remember that they moved to Iowa last year.

Why was I angry with the Professor? You see, my friendship with BFF was so secure that should this type of thing had happened while they were here, BFF and Professor would have just taken over, I would have remained at the ER and the kids would have been taken care of.

What that move did was totally push me out of my comfort zone. I knew that I could lean on BFF and the Professor, no questions asked. However, I hadn't established any other relationships remotely similar in trust.

The Mayor's health crisis forced me to step out of my comfort zone. I needed to learn that there are other people that God has placed in my life that I can trust. That are willing to step in during a time of need.

Man, what a humbling yet necessary lesson. Phone calls were made. The kids were taken care of that day and I was able to go back to the ER and hang with the Mayor until he was released.

Sadly, the Mayor still didn't make the trip. That's a WHOLE nother story!! He didn't make the trip, but we managed to utilize that time to strengthen our relationship.

I still miss BFF and the Professor. I probably will for a long time. There's a hole in our lives. We won't be able to fill that hole, but we will be able to lessen it by continuing to trust in God and the friends He has blessed us with.

So, to our friends - THANK YOU!!!!
To BFF and the Professor - WE MISS YOU!!
To the Mayor - I LOVE YOU BELOVED!!
To my Creator - THANK YOU FOR TEACHING ME!!

Many blessings,

No regrets...

2011-08-18T15:28:00.003-04:00

When I would talk to people, I would often say that I had no regrets. That the troubles I've been through throughout my life were merely lessons that I've learned from. Part of that statement is true.

It wasn't until a friend spoke at church one Sunday talking about regrets that I had a change in mindset. You see, the troubles I've been through were mistakes. Mistakes that either I made or someone else made. God doesn't want to see us hurt or suffer. However, its through those mistakes that we can take away lessons.

I do have regrets. More than I'd like to share in a public blog at this point in time. It's how I respond to those regrets that matters.

I can choose to wallow in my regret, never moving forward in life. Always looking back saying 'I wish I didn't do that'.

OR

I can say 'Man, what a stupid mistake' and share that story in hopes that someone else doesn't make that same mistake.

Do I have regrets in life? You bet.... but I'm going to take those regrets and turn them into something great.

What will you do with YOUR regrets?

Many blessings,

Ho hum...

2011-08-17T17:00:00.008-04:00

We're back into the swing of things.... The Mayor is back to work. Songbird & Slugger are back to school.

Songbird has begun her final year of middle school. 8th grade. I just can't believe it. She's really turning into a beautiful young woman. I see so much in store for her this year. I believe that this is when she'll find herself... her niche in this world

As for Slugger, he's started his FIRST year of middle school. 6th grade.. My baby is no longer a baby. He's become a young man. He's opted to join band this year. Not sure what instrument just yet, but his goal is to be a part of the Jazz Ensemble in 7th and 8th grade. I'll let you know how that goes.

For me, work is going great. Still have a lot to learn. Training is going slower than I want, but I am blessed beyond belief to have this job. I feel like I have a purpose in life. That my job is no longer just a JOB, but something I enjoy doing. Granted, I work 12 hour days - I actually look forward to going to work.

How are things on the home front?

In the words of Tony the Tiger - THEY'RE GREAT!

The Mayor and I are really committed to make this marriage work. And that means BOTH of us need to work at it. Communication is key. While we're probably not communicating as much as we SHOULD be, we certainly are communicating more than we had been.

Well, Pablo the beast just started barking which means the house is about to be invaded!

Many blessings,

A good place to be...

2011-06-28T22:53:00.004-04:00

So, I had a realization today.

Just because a person may have been important to me, doesn't mean I was important to them.

A year ago, this thought would have devastated me. So much of who I was a year ago was based mainly on my relationships. I defined myself by the friends I had.

Today, I fully acknowledge that I am more than that. There is more to me that just the relationshps that I have. The relationships I have are because of who I am, not the other way around.

I truly believe that God brings people into our lives for seasons. Some seasons last longer than others. I'm ok with that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for those whom God have brought into my life. I have learned lessons from everyone - some have been good lessons, some have been harsh lessons. Either way, those lessons have made me who I am.

Who am I?

It's your job to find out!

Many blessings,

I am a Christian.....

2011-06-14T10:53:00.003-04:00

.....but that does not mean that I am perfect.

Far from perfection.

It does mean that I am saved by grace. No matter how many good works I do, that's not what will get me to heaven.

It isn't about an organized religion.
It's about a personal relationship with the one true God.

It's about knowing that when everyone else walks out of your life, Christ is always IN your life; by your side.

It doesn't mean my life will be with out trials.
It means that God will see me through those trials.

All too often we place people on pedestals, so high that when they fall, the fall is SO devastating. We forget that they are HUMAN... they will make mistakes.

We live in a broken world.. We are a broken people.

Many blessings,

Life Lessons: Part Deux

2011-05-21T08:35:00.008-04:00

As many of you know, I've been struggling with an eating disorder for quite some time. I was doing really well in 'The Program', however I've slipped off the wagon.

Ever since working at Wal-Mart in the bakery, it's been a downhill slide.

Yesterday, I can honestly say that I broke abstinence. If you don't remember, abstinence is the equivalent of sobriety in alcoholism. I did not eat a single meal until dinner time. By the time dinner rolled around, I was SO out of it. I felt weak, shaky, light headed.

Sadly, I went out in public this way.

Justin's baseball team had their 1st tournament game last night. There are blocks of time, just a few minutes, that I blacked out. I have no memory. Then there was my attitude. Oh heavens! I became my worst nightmare - I became annoying baseball mom!

I was loud, obnoxious, rude, crass. Horrific to be quite honest. Looking back, I cannot believe it was me. I mean, I was threatened to be thrown out of the game by one of the umps!! So out of character for me.

Today, I am committing to eating my 3 meals a day - no matter what! Even if its just a quick piece of toast for breakfast. I cannot allow my body to get to the point that it was yesterday. Never again.

It was a humbling experience, I will say that. As soon as we got home from the game, I automatically went to the team's webpage and apologized to the parents for my behavior.

Today is a new day. Yesterday didn't happen. Only today is what matters.

We have another game today... I've already eaten breakfast. Darn these life lessons.

Many blessings,

Life Lessons: Part 1

2011-05-21T07:47:00.004-04:00

Earlier this year, a friend at church blessed us with a wonderful gift. They signed me & Craig up for Intimate Encounters. Intimate Encounters is an 11-week marriage study designed to strengthen your marriage by putting God in the middle of it.

Craig & I have been wanting to do this for quite some time now, but always found excuses. Once we had someone sign us up for it, we no longer had valid excuses.

I'll be honest (as I try to always be here), I wasn't a fan at first. Not that I wasn't enjoying the study, but I felt as though we weren't really 'connecting' with the others in our group. They weren't our 'people'. I pressed on because there was some GOOD stuff.

The major lesson that I learned was where my irrational fear of Craig leaving was coming from. I have had this overwhelming fear that one day Craig will wake up and realize he's made a mistake by marrying me and just leave. It's not that we don't have a good marriage - we do. It's just this fear. Because of this fear, I've really held back with opening up to him. Allowing him to truly be my best friend.

So, what did I learn, you ask?

Before I write my lesson, please understand that I, in no way, am placing blame on anyone. This isn't going to be a bashing of how I was raised or anything like that. It is simply what God has revealed to me.

As I've said before, growing up was pretty rocky. My parents didn't have the best marriage. I can remember several times when I was younger, that Dad moved out a time or two. I can't remember why or the length of time that he was out of the home. I just know that there were several times he was gone. Over time, my relationship with him became one of just tolerance. I tolerated his presence when he was at the house. Eventually, even though he lived at home, I viewed my family as myself, my mother and my 2 younger sisters. I just never knew when/if Dad was going to be home. I didn't really care.

Eventually, my parents did separate permanently. Mom met someone else and decided to leave Dad. While I wasn't necessarily thrilled at the situation, I thought for sure that Dad would move out and that would be that. We would all get on with our lives. That did NOT happen! Dad dug in his heels and refused to move out of the house. Therefore, Mom moved out. Even though I was 21 years old at the time, I saw this as my Mom abandoning me. You have to know, up until this point, she was my BEST FRIEND. She moved out, didn't take us with her, and left us with this man who was a stranger. I was SO angry!!! Not only did she abandon me... she replaced me. You see, the person she met reminded her SO much of me. Being young in my maturity, I saw it as though she replaced me.

The 2 people that I loved most in the world.... Dad was in and out of the house all the time and Mom eventually left and replaced me. I had a fear of abandonment.

I write all of this to say, that while I may have felt alone in my earthly family, my Heavenly Father never left me. He never abandoned me. He will never abandon me. He blessed me with an amazing man who loves me so very much. One that promises that he loves me, 'til death do us part.

It's been a slow process. 39-years of holding things back is a hard habit to break. But with what I've learned in Intimate Encounters, growing closer to God and growing closer to Craig is that some things are worth taking risks for. My marriage is certainly one of those things.

I love my parents and am so grateful at the life they gave me. The foundation that they laid for my walk with Christ.

I am working on myself... I am working on trust. I am a work in progress. Ever changing.

Many blessings,

Where have I been?

2011-05-05T19:44:00.002-04:00

I just realized that I haven't blogged since December 2010. I am SO sorry!!!

Life has been crazy for me... Crazy but good.

I started a new job in early February. I am now a 9-1-1 dispatcher for a surrounding county. It's been a LOT to learn & memorize but I've been loving every minute of it. Definitely stretching me beyond my comfort zone. It feels SO good to be using my brain for the 1st time in a LONG time.

Baseball season has begun for Slugger. Due to slacking on our part, he's not on the team we were hoping for, but he's still having a great time.

Songbird has also been stretching her wings. Just this week she has tried out for her middle school football cheer squad AND for the school talent show. Haven't heard the results yet... but proud of her nonetheless.

The Mayor is counting down the days until summer vacation. Don't get me wrong, he loves teaching, but he's ready for his vacation; especially since they missed the multiple days off in February due to snow.

Anyway, I'm in middle Georgia for training (GPSTC) and have 2 exams tomorrow... time to study.

Many blessings,

Mom2ChelNJustin

Yikes! Too many life lessons.

2010-12-01T13:47:00.003-05:00

Yeah - I've been a slacker, especially when it comes to updating my blog. Sorry.

I'd love to say that all has been great with me. Don't get me wrong - nothing serious has happened. God's really been piling on the life lessons lately.

Lesson #1: NOTHING is beneath me

I've been out of work for over a year now. Searching tirelessly online for a job. Got to the point where I'd apply for just about anything. Taco Bell was looking like a good career. Christmas is coming and the money would really come in handy - especially with unemployment running out. Then came the call - from WalMart. An interview. Ok... what could going to an interview hurt. I went. I was offered a job.

I pasted on a smile & headed to my 1st day at WalMart. Yet inside I went kicking & screaming. Seriously? WalMart? God wanted me to work at WalMart! Is this some kind of sick joke? God really has a GREAT sense of humor & He's using it at MY expense. That's the furthest from the truth. God provided. We asked for a job and that's exactly what He did. He gave me a job. One that would help my family through the holidays & even give us a little extra. Who was I to think that I was 'too good' to work at WalMart. Honestly, I'm enjoying it! It's a carefree kind of job there in the bakery (yeah, that's a whole OTHER lesson).

Lesson #2: I AM a food addict

If you're familiar with my blog, you've read that I am a food addict. I am a compulsive overeater. I have come to terms with my disease - for the most part. Getting a job in a BAKERY was yet another 'sick' joke. Sure - I wanted a job. But why put a compulsive overeater/food addict to work in a BAKERY! I was scared. I mean, frosting & croissants are a weakness of mine. I'll say it - they're a BINGE food.

Yet, I haven't had the desire to binge on either. Not a single temptation. I think maybe its because I was honest about my fear with friends at my meetings. I didn't hide it. Those who love me check up on me to see how I'm doing at this job.

Lesson #3: My body talks to me

All of our bodies talk to us. When you're hungry, when you're hot/cold... God's designed us that way. It is up to US to listen to our bodies & give it what it needs. I haven't been listening to my body. You know, when it tells me I'm full. I'm beyond full. Ok, I'm gonna explode if I put one more thing in my mouth.

Thanksgiving was the perfect example. I was smart about the day. Small breakfast, very light lunch in preparation for the feast that awaited me. However, seeing ALL of that food. I took a little bit of everything - even the vegetables. And I ate every speck of food on my plate. And then some. And then some more. Even dessert. And a 2nd piece of dessert. Yep - that did me in.

I got SO full that my body decided to revolt against my gluttonous feast. I ate until I puked. That was the 2nd time in 3 weeks that I had gotten to that point (that I can recall). So now, I've realized that my body talks to me and I HAVE to listen to my body. When it is hungry, eat. When it is full, STOP!

What life lessons are you learning?

Many blessings,
Allison

How to be rich

2010-11-08T00:20:00.005-05:00

For the past few years, our church, Browns Bridge Community Church, and the 2 other campuses in the area have teamed up with a few non-profits in the area during the holiday season as part of their BE RICH campaign.

What is BE RICH you ask? Well, I'm glad you asked.

It's based on 1 Timothy 6:18:

Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share.

Something that sounds SO easy often is SO hard to do. I mean, we lead very busy lives, don't we. Most of us would rather just cut a check than donate our time. BE RICH calls us to do one or the other - or both!

Last year, our small group decided to volunteer at 2 local non-profits. It was difficult to get all of the couples together (since we usually babysat each other's kids) so we decided to have a Women's Volunteer Day & a Men's Volunteer Day. I'll be honest, I wasn't too thrilled about having to do manual labor. I'd much rather donate my time behind a desk somewhere.

But once I got out there and started scraping & painting, I was SO glad I did. I was totally out of my comfort zone, but God showed me that sometimes the best way to help is not how I want to help, but how HE needs me to help. It was an amazing experience.

This year, our small group has decided to something a little different for our BE RICH project.

We had decided to help a single mom and stock her pantry for the upcoming Christmas season. Honestly, we weren't sure where this was going to go. Heck, we didn't even know how we would find a single mom who needed our help. Yet, as always, not only did God provide a single mom, He provided a family too!!! Our little 'project' has turned into something a little bigger.

We couldn't keep this to ourselves. I mean, we could keep this to ourselves & help these 2 families, but we want to show just how great our God is. We've opened it up to our families & friends.

What does that mean?

From now until December 1st, we will be collecting non-perishables, gift cards, money, clothing - any donated item - so that we can truly stock these families pantries. Wouldn't it be amazing if we could not only stock the pantries for December, but for January too!!! God's in control of just how big this is going to be. We're just blessed that we can be the catalysts for this project.

Want to help? You are more than welcome! Feel free to email me and let me know. My email address for this project is: sg.berich@gmail.com

How else can you help? We would LOVE your prayers most of all.

Many blessings,
Allison

Lucky 13

2010-11-02T01:08:00.003-04:00

Where do I begin? It's a love story like no other. It doesn't involve a princess or a prince. It certainly isn't a fairy tale.

13 years ago, I walked down the aisle of my childhood church to marry the man that God chose for me. Little did I know what God had in store for us.

I'd love to say that it has been a blissful 13 years, but I'd be lying. We've had our problems; financial & relational. God hasn't always been at the center of our marriage. At one point, we would have become another marriage statistic.

I wish someone would have pulled me aside and told me that marriage takes work - hard work.

I've known this man since we were 15. He was my 1st boyfriend... He was the 1st boy I ever kissed. And now he will be the last boy I ever kiss.

I am SO proud to be his wife. His help meet. His partner in life. I am the mother of his 2 children. One day I will the grandmother of his grandchildren. There are nights where I just lie in bed, amazed that I am laying next to him. The boy that I kicked under that church pew 23 years ago. The young man that stole my heart on our 1st date back in 1993.

Confession...

2010-10-26T22:54:00.004-04:00

They say that confession is good for the soul. Well, here I go.

I am scared.

There, I said it. Don't I feel better now? Nope, can't say that I do.

What am I scared of you ask.

My beautiful Songbird has been quite anxious this year. To the point of developing an eating disorder. It's not full blown, but its there. I want to sit & beat myself up and blame myself for this turn of events. Why? Well, I have an eating disorder. Surely I've been a terrible example for her and she is only mimicking what she sees.

NOT!

I need to stop blaming myself. There is no blame. Besides, what good does blame do? It's not going to make the situation any easier. In fact, it'll only hinder MY progress.

I need to turn this over to God. We all know how well I do that. It's not that I don't turn things over to Him. I do. But I've struggled with turning my own eating disorder over to Him. Now I'm struggling turning HER eating disorder over to Him.

We've gotten her help. Just when we were getting a glimpse of this, we decided to find help. Of course, its slow going for my liking, but I need to remember that God is in control. He lead us.

This is a battle... plain & simple. Satan is trying to take hold of my daughter's life in order to make me weak. What's the best way to weaken a Mama? Attack her child. Though in the wild, a Mama usually becomes ferocious.

That's what I need to do. I need to be ferocious in my prayers! Not just for my precious Songbird, but for Slugger too. Puberty is just around the corner for him & there will be trials to go along with it.

My prayer life isn't consistent. That's an area where I falter. I need to be diligent with my prayers. Not just for my kids, but myself & my marriage. I need to bathe my family in prayers each day.

So, there's my confession... You know, I do feel better.

Many blessings,
Allison

Psalm 23 revisited

2010-10-12T16:12:00.002-04:00

I love the Bible... I love reading it. Historical stories, love letters, letters to the early churches, poems. It's a compilation of so many different types of writing, all God breathed.

Psalms are some of my favorites. Raw emotions & adoration to an all-powerful, all-loving God.

Psalm 23 is probably one of the most recognized Psalm in the world. You don't have to be a Christian or even a religious believer to know it. It is often read at funerals:

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

However, this Sunday my view of that Psalm will forever be changed. It isn't about death at all... it's about life. About God's promises.

I won't do the sermon justice, so I encourage you to listen to it yourself. Head over to North Point Messages and listen to 'PROMISES'. Justin Grunewald dissects the Psalm and delivers it layman's terms that will really open your eyes.

What it all boils down to is this: God gives us promises. He wants to give us our heart's desire. He longs to have a relationship with us & provide for us. Psalm 23 is just a glimpse of His promises for us. Yet there is something that WE have to do.... for God to work those promises WE need to accept Him. The very first sentence is key!!!

The Lord is MY shepherd.

To many, He is THE shepherd, but He wants to be MY shepherd. Once He becomes my shepherd, he fulfills those promises.

Many blessings,
Allison

Hidden blessings

2010-10-06T16:24:00.003-04:00

I hate the way my mind works sometime. I often wonder if God is using me in my every day life. I just live. I don't feel as though I go out of my way to do anything special. I'm just me. Because I don't have a super important job, am I really making a difference in this world.

Then God does something to gently (or sometimes not so gently) to remind me that He is in control and He is using me and my abilities. I don't need to be in a position of importance in order to make an impact on this world. I just need to be a light of God's love.

Thank you God for your reminder today. Some days I'm just too self-absorbed to hear your reminders. I'm blessed beyond measure.

Many blessings,
Allison

Missing teen - FOUND

2010-10-02T01:11:00.004-04:00

UPDATE: THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR THOUGHTS & PRAYERS. I AM HAPPY TO REPORT THAT KELLY HAS BEEN FOUND & IS SAFE. BECAUSE OF AN ONGOING INVESTIGATION, THE FAMILY IS UNABLE TO TALK ABOUT THE DETAILS.

THANKS ONCE AGAIN FOR SPREADING THE WORD!!!

Many blessings,
Allison

Please take a good look at this young woman.

Kelly Zapp, a high school senior here in Forsyth County, has volunteered at my church over the last three years, and her parents, Cliff and Celeste, are also volunteers. Kelly has been missing since Wednesday, 9/27.

Please take a moment to pass this information on to help increase awareness within Forsyth and the surrounding counties. More importantly, please be praying for the Zapp family during this time.

Much ado about nothing...

2010-09-30T15:13:00.003-04:00

All's quiet on the home front. School is in full swing for The Mayor, Songbird & Slugger. Almost report card time!

Fall baseball is up & running. His team, Coyotes/Marlins, is pretty much the same group of boys that played together during the spring. He even has 2 of the same coaches. The Mayor is the 3rd coach. Slugger got a chance to pitch a few innings. He's HOOKED! Unfortunately for us, most of the games are at 7:30 on a school night.. Makes for an interesting morning the next day.

Songbird is finding her groove in 7th grade. She decided to not really participate in school activities this year. This had me a little worried, but I think she did it so that she wouldn't overwhelm herself. I give her credit!! I don't know if I would have done that at her age.

My mom's group is working out well. Last week, I went to group - prayed before I got there - and had a great time. I'm slowly coming out of my shell. It'll take time, but I'm excited to learn more.

Our couple's Bible study moved to Monday nights. We've been blessed with 3 other couples. I'll admit, I was a little disappointed that we had ANOTHER small group, but God is beginning to show me that it's not about the quantity, it's about the quality. Each of us has told our story and have already begun building community. Friendships are already being formed.

Speaking of friendship, Kristin's in town!!!! I am SO excited. I can't wait to see her - you'd think that I'd be over her house right now. Seriously, I'm looking forward to spending time with her. I hate the fact that she'll be leaving again, but happy to have the few days I will have with her & the kids.

Like I said in the title - not much has been going on. I've got a few job prospects going. Prayerfully hoping that something comes into fruition.

My Bible verse for today:

Romans 8:38-39 (New International Version)

³⁸For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Many blessings,
Allison

Darn comfort zone

2010-09-21T22:32:00.005-04:00

It's amazing really. I want nothing more in life but to travel to different high schools, colleges, churches and tell my story. Stand in front of a bunch of strangers and basically bare my soul. Sure, I'd be nervous. Who wouldn't be? But knowing that it would help just 1 person would make it totally worth while for me.

Yet, I've signed up to be part of a mom's group... right now we're reading & discussing 'Boundaries with Kids'. What's the big deal about sitting around chatting with fellow moms about this book? EVERYTHING. Every week I have to talk myself INTO going. The thought of being in a room with a group of women that I just don't know scares the bejeesus out of me. Seriously to the point of almost having an anxiety attack the one week.

These are fellow moms. Moms who are there for the same purpose I am - learn more about how to get a handle on this Mom thing.

Tonight..... yeah. I got there late. I was about 2 minutes from NOT going. I mean, my son had a baseball game. What kind of mother would miss her son's baseball game (as if there aren't 8 others to go)? Heck, I couldn't even remember the name of the street I needed to get to. Wasn't even sure if I remembered the directions and, of course, our computer wasn't working so I couldn't MapQuest for directions.

As I drove, I prayed. God, please help me to calm down. Help me to open up to this group and allow myself to enjoy this experience. Help me to be open to making new friends. No one can replace Kristin (my best friend who moved), but I can allow other people into my life. Help me to stick with this. An immediate sense of peace washed over me. As I drove, I remembered where I was & found the house without ANY problems.

Sure I was a few minutes late, but I am SO glad I went. I enjoyed the 2 chapters we were discussing and could really use some insight into how to apply them to my life. One of the hard parts for me right now is that I am one of the only moms in my group with children over the age of 5. I'm struggling with the 'tween' years while all of the other moms are dealing with younger ones.

They were all so kind and allowed me to share, assuring me that they needed to hear what I was saying because one day they too will be where I am.

This is going to be a slow process, but I am going to stick this out. This will be good for me, emotionally & spiritually. I need this.... not a b*tch session about my kids or hubby, but a REAL opportunity to talk to other moms about raising children.

I'm stepping out of my comfort zone. On the surface, I may look calm & collected but underneath I am like a duck in a pond - paddling like mad.

Many blessings,
Allison

Meeting a hero's widow

2010-09-11T14:31:00.005-04:00

After the dust settled in my life on 9/11/01, there was a 'need' to do something. I just couldn't sit back and do nothing. But I wasn't trained in anything that would have been of use at Ground Zero. Plus, I needed to stay with our children. The Mayor's fire company could have been called to Ground Zero to help in the rescue efforts.

I don't remember exactly when I found out, but a few days after the towers fell co-workers told me that a former co-worker had lost his brother that day. His brother, William McGinn, was a Lieutenant in the FDNY. He, along with hundreds of others, responded to a job on that Tuesday morning only never to return home.

I can't even remember whose idea it was, but 2 of my friends in the office decided to make pins and sell them. Red, white & blue ribbons and American flags made out of beads & safety pins. We didn't have a set price. Basically, we were asking for donations. These donations would then be given to Lt. McGinn's widow & family.

I'm still in awe at the response we got from those pins. What cost pennies to make were being 'bought' for up to $20. Not because that's what we were asking for, but because that is what people wanted to give. Eventually, we asked our HR department if the company would be willing to match what we raised. They agreed to match up to $1000.

Several weeks later, Lt. McGinn's remains were found and a funeral was taking place on Staten Island. My friends, Irene & Priscilla, and I decided to attend the funeral and present the Lt. McGinn's widow the money we had collected - over $3000.

I will never ever forget that funeral for as long as I live. There were firemen EVERYWHERE from all over. Hundreds of people had come to pay their respects to this hero. There were pictures of his family, his wife & children. Firemen flanked the casket.

As we stood in line to give our condolences to the family, reality hit me. This family, this widow was living my worst nightmare. You see, The Mayor was a volunteer firefighter. I often feared that I would receive a knock at the door telling me that my husband didn't make it out of a fire. Here was this family living that fear.

Irene & Priscilla were in line ahead of me & gave the envelope to Lt. McGinn's widow. Explained that we had once worked with her brother-in-law and her husband's story touched our lives. Then I got to her.

My eyes welled up with tears. I was choking back sobs. All I could say to her was 'You are living my worst nightmare. My husband is a firefighter too and this is my fear.'. What she did next will live with me forever. She hugged me tight and whispered to me 'Go home & give your husband a hug & kiss from me. I never got to do that to mine before he died.' There she was, in her grief, comforting me in my fears.

It has been 9 years since the events of 9/11. Lives have gone on. Yet this family will always be in my thoughts & prayers.

Lt. William McGinn will always be one of my heroes.

Many blessings,
Allison

Insecurity

2010-09-10T16:24:00.003-04:00

My insecurities got the best of me for a moment and I had a bit of a meltdown today.

The Mayor & I having been leading a couples small group for the past few years. Our last small group disbanded in the spring and we've decided to gather up another group. It is important to 'DO LIFE' with people. As much as I want to be in a small group, the thought of finding new 'people' is not something I'm too thrilled about.

Starting a new group means having to put myself out there again. Exposing my vulnerabilities. I know I don't HAVE to, but in order to have a genuine group experience it is important to be transparent. I don't have a problem being transparent - hence this blog. It's just being transparent to people in person.

Besides my best friend has been in the same small group with me for 4 years. This will be the 1st one without her. Just not the same. Yet I know that it is important that I do this. It is beneficial for my Christian walk.

Tonight is a social at my house. Great idea in theory. However the execution is enough to send me into a tizzy. The thought of new people being in my house for the 1st time. I mean, what if my house isn't clean enough? What if it isn't nice enough?

Yeah - that's the enemy talking. Creating doubt so that I have a miserable time. Creating panic & anxiety so that I'll binge eat. That's my usual M.O. - life gets tumultuous, EAT!

People aren't coming to judge my home. They are coming because they honestly want to join a couples small group. They want to get together with other Christians, study God's word & make friends. It's not about my house or me. It's about God.

Then, of course, tomorrow is 9/11. That's another thing that sends me into a downward spiral. The events of that day will forever be etched in my mind. Yet, my sponsor reminded me while tomorrow is a sad day; a day of remembrance, I need to remember that my family is still here. I have my husband and children. My father is alive & well. Do not focus on what 'could' have happened. Celebrate the here & now.

I've been talked down from my ledge of insanity. I did not binge. Oh, I SO wanted to. The thoughts of chocolate frosting were dancing in my mind like Mikhail Baryshnikov in a Russian ballet. Going to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things for tonight, it took every ounce of strength to NOT go down the cake & frosting aisle. I could have... but I didn't.

I want to keep my abstinence.

Many blessings,
Allison

Thinking out loud

2010-09-07T12:45:00.003-04:00

Usually only my husband is privileged to experience my 'thinking out loud'. Today YOU get the experience.

I just read an article on Yahoo about a new TV show called "Mike & Molly".

The premise of this show is 2 adults who find romance at their local Overeaters Anonymous meeting.

As a plus-sized woman, I guess I should be happy that there is yet another show about plus-sized people. All too often Hollywood portrays 'beautiful' as a stick-figured woman with plastic lips, boobs, butt. However, as someone who actively participates in OA meetings, I fear that this show is going to do more harm than good.

How can that be? Am I just freaking out about my own insecurities?

I'd love to think that a show like this would call attention to the growing problem of food addiction. People will flock to the OA rooms in hopes of finding help. Instead, I fear that OA is just going to become another 'meat market' for those who are in the market for a 'fatty'.

Overeaters Anonymous is for ALL eating disorders; food addiction, bulimia, anorexia, obesity.

Yes, I am open about my struggles with food, but not everyone is. For some people, the OA meeting is the ONLY place they can openly talk about their battle with this disease. Will the OA meetings remain a safe place?

Who am I to decide if someone attending an OA meeting is genuine? Still scares the crap out of me. I feel vulnerable. Almost as if I'll be exposed. Yet I openly talk about my issues here... but that's on MY terms. Is that what this fear is all about?

I just don't know... I won't boycott the show (just yet). I want to watch it & see what its really about before I weigh in more. Right now, I'm just addressing my insecurities.

Many blessings,
Allison

Germs!!!

2010-09-01T15:59:00.004-04:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I have a bit of a germ issue. Now, I don't wash my hands 200 times a day, but I will not share food or drink with ANYONE! That's right.... I am a mother of 2, been married for just about 13 years and I will not share with my hubby or children. There is no such thing as me drinking out of my child's cup after they've used it. No eating off my hubby's fork.

I know, I know. I know what you're thinking. They're your children, you're flesh & blood. You kiss him. How can you not share germs with them? Not quite sure how to answer that - I just don't.

I also won't eat food once it's touched the table - that's a whole other post.

Reeling myself back in.

Anyway. This past weekend I took a BIG jump out of my comfort zone. You see, I had the amazing opportunity to hang out with over 600 6th grade students at Boot Camp. I was definitely intimidated to hang out with my 11 small group girls, but determined to survive.

On Saturday we played 'team building' games... you know: dodge ball, slip-n-slide, eat-the-doughnut. I made sure I participated in as many activities to encourage my girls to join in too. I couldn't possibly ask them to do anything I wouldn't do, right?

That leads me to 'Worms in my Cereal'. Imagine a large bucket of Froot Loops filled with milk and Gummy Worms hanging out on the bottom. It was a relay game.... run up to the bucket, shove your head into the bucket & pull out a Gummy Worm. Sounds easy, huh? Yeah, probably a TON of fun for people who don't have germ issues. Yet, I dove right in!!

Trust me, my brain was SCREAMING at me. My skin was crawling with the thought of other people having already put their sweaty faces in this bucket. Yet, it was just something I 'needed' to do. Even my husband didn't believe that I did it - until he could smell me 10 feet away about 2 hours later. Being covered in milk and running around in the heat does NOT smell very nice after 2 hours.

Does this mean I plan on sharing my cups with my kids? NO! Does this mean I'll have no problem sharing a fork with my beloved? NO! But it was a step for me.... I'd probably do it again too.

Many blessings,
Allison

Everything?

2010-08-27T07:57:00.003-04:00

I'm a fan of The Bible on Facebook. Sounds kind of silly if you think about it. Each day, I get 'something' from them; either a verse I needed to hear or words of wisdom.

Lately, I've seen some great quotes by a man named, Mark Brown. Sometimes so profound that I'll copy & use them as my status (giving him the credit though).

Today, The Bible recommended a video of Mark talking on Philippians 4:13. Since I'm up early, I decided to take a look.

Philippians 4:13 :
For I can do EVERYTHING through Christ, who gives me strength. (NLT)

WOW! What words! Hearing him has light a spark in my heart. What is it I want to do?

I want to go back to school to get my degree to become a surgical tech. I want to begin my own ministry for rape survivors. Why haven't I done it yet? Fear. Fear of failure.

That's just Satan trying to hold me back. The last thing he wants is for me to be a ministry. He wants to hold me in my fear so that I cannot help others.

So, today's the day! I'm getting my butt in gear; gonna start the education process again. This time, I can't worry about 'IF' I fail. There are tons of 'IF's in the world... living by 'IF' isn't living. It's FEAR and I will not longer be fearful of the unknown. It's not unknown.... God knows what His plan for me is. If someone knows, then it isn't unknown.

What is your dream???

Many blessings,
Allison

Past, present & future

2010-08-23T00:41:00.003-04:00

So, here I am. It's 12:45 in the morning. I should be in bed, but instead I'm cruising on Facebook. Checking out who's up to what.

I like Facebook. Tons of fun to be able to stay in touch with family in NJ & NC; share pictures & what not. I've also enjoyed reconnecting with friends from high school & grade school. Good stuff.

But then I reminisce. Which in itself isn't bad... but its when you think of the 'what ifs'.

I don't want to live my life in 'what if'. I want to live my life in the here & now. Looking back, I see a sad young lady who wanted nothing more than to be loved. I jumped through hoops to get that love and I didn't care what it cost me - which wound up being my self-respect.

The Mayor is a part of my past. He was my very 1st boyfriend back in 1987. My very 1st kiss. But he's also a part of my present & I know he'll be a part of my future. You see, what's best about him being my 1st kiss is that he will be my last kiss.

Our marriage isn't perfect, but it's ours. I won't sit & think about the 'what ifs' of my life. You see, I am married to EXACTLY who I am supposed to be married to, living exactly where I'm supposed to live. I don't want to be married to anyone else. He is my heart & soul. My one true love. The man that God chose for me, even before I was born. Sometimes I lay in bed and am overwhelmed at the thought that I am married to him.

How blessed am I that I get to grow old with him?

Many blessings,
Allison

My revelation

2010-08-16T22:53:00.003-04:00

Meditation: Voices of Recovery for August 16, 2010 - pg. 229

Another gentle reminder that I need to relinquish control DAILY and leave it with my Heavenly Father. Yes, my life may feel as though it is spiraling out of control, bu t the truth is God has everything under HIS control. I am just a passenger on this crazy drive called Life.

In real life, when the family goes on a long trip, I usually fall asleep. Mainly because I am tired, but also because I am not the one doing the driving - I am not the one in control. I have been asleep most of my life, allowing my disease to have the control. Now, I need to give that control over to God and enjoy the ride.

Just like on any road trip there will be detours, but God can make those detours manageable.

Many blessings,
Allison

Another new day!

2010-08-16T20:28:00.003-04:00

'For brokenness to completely heal,
He has to stitch it up right.
The solid road to healing may be slower and more painful,
but in the end, it will be more complete.
Until then, all I know is God is with me.'
~ Christi Armstrong

After last night's pity party and only 3 hours of sleep, I woke this morning feeling renewed. I guess sometimes you just need to let a little emotion out in order to gain perspective.

True friendship is not limited by state lines. True friendship continues to grow even when the miles separate them. True friendship rooted in God is one that can last forever.

I have opted to have a good day today. Sure, I slept in for a little bit - mainly because I only had 3 hours of sleep. Sure, I got a late start, but once I got started it felt great to get out.

Dropped off some shirts to the cleaners, picked up a few groceries for a friend & then spent the afternoon enjoying the day. Chatting, dining, praying & shopping. Exactly what I needed to lighten my heart.

Kristin's move still stings my heart. It wouldn't have been a friendship if it didn't hurt. Yet I am putting my faith in God; trusting Him to heal my heart. The hole in my heart is God-sized & only HE can fill it.

Many blessings,
Allison

Believing He will carry me

2010-08-16T00:22:00.005-04:00

The Mayor, Songbird & Slugger are officially back to school. BFF & her family are officially in Iowa. I am officially an emotional mess!

I feel SO needy right now and I HATE that feeling. It's just another form of feeling out-of-control. We all know how great I am at that!

For the most part, my food has been good. I've managed to eat my 3 meals and not binge. Did have a little slip up, but nothing that resulted in a catastrophic binge.

However, today has been the hardest for me emotionally. It was really weird not seeing BFF & her kids at church. A reminder of this new chapter in my life that I am not actively seeking; it's been thrust upon me.

It feels even more strange to tell people that I am upset because my best friend moved. Man, that sounds SO high school. It looks stupid even as I type it out. Yet I feel abandoned. I know I'm not. BFF is just a phone call away - of course I'm coming up with every excuse I can think of to not 'bother' her. My pathetic attempt to pull away. Then, of course, if a friend can't meet for Starbucks or go to a meeting with me, I sink even LOWER into my pity party. Clearly they don't want to be around me.

Foolish, foolish thinking on my part... really, it's my diseased mind talking. Attempting to convince myself that eating or sleeping away the pain is the best course of action. That is SO tempting too.... But I can't allow that to happen.

I feel fragile right now... emotionally; spiritually. I am trying really hard to cling to God. Trying to not close my heart to what lies ahead. Knowing that HE will see me through this. This is all a part of His plan; I just need to trust & jump in His arms. He will carry me...

And THAT is what I needed to hear....

Many blessings,
Allison

I am ok

2010-08-09T13:16:00.004-04:00

It's official... the kids are back to school. Slugger couldn't wait and Songbird was a panicked mess. All in all, I'm expecting it to be a good day.

I've been nervous about what this day would bring for me. I am alone in the house. There is no one here to chat with (besides Pablo) or entertain me (besides Pablo). This is when I usually do one of two things:

endlessly eat
endlessly sleep & forgetting to eat

Since both would require me to break my abstinence, I've been hard pressed to NOT do either.

I'll admit, I DID nap this morning. And it felt WONDERFUL!!!! Sure, there were probably a million things I COULD have been doing instead, but I just wanted to take this morning to nap. Recharge.

Now I'm ready to go. Well, mentally I'm ready to go. I've had my breakfast. I've just finished my lunch. Need to hop into the shower & run a few errands.

Kristin's moving away this week too. For the first time in my life, I have NOT pushed someone away as they prepare to leave. I'm sticking this out and dealing with the pain. It's not the end of a friendship. Hardly. It's just the end of this chapter in our lives. I hesitantly look forward to the next chapter & what God has in store for BOTH of us. We came into each others when we needed a friend. I am blessed that I can help send her off.

My verse for today:

"My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." ~ 2 Cor. 2:9
This truly applies to ALL areas of my life. It is when I am weak that God's strength shines through. Today I will not wallow in my weakness. I will revel in God's strength.

Many blessings,
Allison

Clarity

2010-08-07T10:34:00.004-04:00

One of the many benefits of doing program is the amount of thinking I get to do. Not that I didn't think BEFORE this, but you know what I mean.

I've got to dig deep at the "WHY"s. Why do I binge? Why do I react this way? It's a lot of self-discovery.

Granted, it's not always wonderful, fluffy self-discovery. Most of the time is raw emotions that bring up feelings of inadequacy. Yet occasionally there is a glimmer of hope. A ray of sun in the dark forest of emotions. There are still times where I don't feel as though I fit in. Maybe that's just a part of being human. I don't know. But I do know that this is the first time I am dealing with it without stuffing my face about it.

I like my life. I am truly blessed with what God has given me. My husband, my children, my family, his family & friends. Truly my cup runneth over. So often, we compare our lives to the lives of others and think that they have a better life. I'm guilty of that. Yet, when I stop to REALLY look at my life I realize that I have a good life.

I'm unemployed right now and I hate it. I've been working since I was 14 so this has been tough for me. Yet, I've been able to enjoy a summer with my husband & children while looking for a job. I've been able to build a stronger marriage and make deposits into my children's lives that I wouldn't have normally been able to do.

My marriage needs work. I'd be foolish to think that it didn't. One thing I've discovered is that I WANT to work at my marriage. When I stood at that alter in front of God, family & friends, I promised that I would do this 'until death parts us'. There have been times where divorce or separation seemed like the better option. I am SO glad that we stuck it out. Those 2 words are no longer a part of my vocabulary. I am with Craig through thick & thin. We have seen some great times, but we have also survived some horrible times. No one ever tells you that marriage is hard work. Let me be the 1st - MARRIAGE IS HARD WORK!!!! But it is SO worth the effort.

I'm learning how to respond better to my children. To stop & take time to listen. I'm learning so much about them because I've had the opportunity to SEE them. They are turning into beautiful human beings with gifts of their own. Yeah - they have their moments of selfishness; we all do. But they also have hearts of gold that have been cultivated by their relationships with our God. Slugger is creative and methodical. He has a one track mind. Whether its reading, Legos or video games; he puts his all into it. Songbird is imaginative & playful. She has a heart for music & loves to express herself through song. She has a gift for playing with little children - like the Pied Piper.

This is a just small glimpse of what I've learned... it hasn't been an easy road of discovery. I'm sure there is SO much more to come. But I cherish each lesson that I've learned.

Many blessings,
Allison

Allison unplugged

2010-08-04T22:51:00.003-04:00

A recent assignment has given me a lot to think about. Just how much of ME is wrapped up in this disease.

For SO long, I have hidden behind a facade of who I really am. You'll either meet 'wallflower Allison' OR 'jokester Allison'. The sad truth is neither is the REAL me. What's even worse, I'm not quite sure who the real me is.

Wallflower Allison has been around since elementary school I think. I had a handful of friends. Tried not to make waves. You know, you recognize the name, but need to look it up in the yearbook to see exactly who I am. I was the tall, gangly girl. I should have played basketball, but I didn't. I also didn't see the potential that I had.

Then came Jokester Allison. Always laughing & smiling. Looking like I'm up to no good. I'll usually put myself down in a funny way, just to get a laugh. I'm the one guys would be 'just friends' with. I SO wanted to fit in...

Both are pieces of me, but not the real me. I've been hiding for as long as I can remember. First, because of the lack of relationship with my dad. Then, because I didn't want anyone else to hurt me. Eventually, because I didn't want anyone to see the horrible pain my heart was in.

I've hidden myself from the world... most importantly, I've hidden myself from my husband, children, family & friends. I've played the victim in certain areas of my life so that I could ignore the truth of my life. I have battled this disease in some form since high school. Attempting to control what I ate, when I ate in an attempt to feel in control. Now my life is out of control because of the 'imaginary' control I was trying to attain.

So, how do I become the real Allison; the Allison that God intended me to be? Slowly & lovingly. Each day I ask God to work in me in each aspect of my life - not just the disease. Quite honestly, EVERY area of my life is touched by this disease in some way.

It's an uphill battle, but one that I don't have to do alone. Every day, God puts me in contact with someone who will help me in my journey. Friends, family & fellow program followers who speak wisdom into my life. What's even better is that every day, I ask God to speak truth into my life.

Slowly, I am learning that I DO have worth. As I gain self-worth, others will be able to see the real me.

I'm excited to see who I become.

Many blessings,
Allison

Willing to be willing

2010-07-23T22:07:00.002-04:00

Big realization today. You know, a light bulb moment.

I've been doing program half-assed. Deep down, I guess I've known for a while, but I am now finally willing to admit it out loud. Reading chapter 5 in the AA big book has been eye opening. I need to stop expecting perfection & focus only on my progress. And I have made AMAZING progress. I can't remember the last time I binged.

I consistently have 3 REAL meals a day, making wise choices most of the time. Yes, I call my sponsor at least once a day, but I do not make my other calls regularly. I need to stop thinking about the 'what ifs' and just call. If it's not a good time, they'll tell me.

I'll read occasionally, especially when my sponsor has given me an assignment. But other than that, nothing. I haven't been journaling the way I should either. Every day I think of my 3 positives, but seldom write them down. No quiet time with God either.

I've made 2 calls so far today. Left 1 message & spoke with the other person. I jumped out of my comfort zone & called 2 people that I have never called before, but always wanted to. As uncomfortable as it was to dial the phone, it felt great after because I did step out.

Heavenly Father, thank you for not giving up on me even when I had given up on myself. Thank you for the gentle reminders of your love. Help me to be willing to work this program the way YOU want me to work it. Even when I fall, remind me that I can't give up. Thank you for bringing people into my life who genuinely want to see me succeed in this program.

I commit to:

reading daily from the AA big book at least 4 pages.
doing my assignments in a timely manner
hitting my knees in prayer daily BEFORE noon
journaling daily - either in my journal or on my blog
calling 3 people daily, other than my sponsor.

Thankful 7/23/10

~ relaxing vacation
~ renewed commitment
~ my sponsor for letting me figure this out at my own pace

Many blessings,
Allison

Vacation 2010

2010-07-19T23:03:00.003-04:00

Day one of our vacation. Driving from Georgia to Orlando. Not going to see the Mouse, just getting away from some relaxation as a family.

Surprisingly, I've been awake for most of the trip. So far, Florida is flat, hot & muggy. ACK!!!

One thing that I've noticed on my family road trip is that the scenery ISN'T family friendly. Every other billboard sign is for an adult store or $tripper club. Makes me thankful that we've invested in a DVD player & DS games. Hopefully my kids haven't taken notice.

As a kid, though family trips were few & far between, we would play the 'alphabet game', using billboards & exit signs for the letters. We would have to wait a while to find the letter x. Letter z wasn't found until we hit Buzzard's Bay.

Yet our trip today, we would have completed the game before letting out of the state of Georgia, thanks in part to X-mart and other adult establishments.

Instead, Craig has taken to 'playing' the license plate game....

Here's to a restful family vacation.

Many blessings,
Allison

Waters rising... Part 2

2010-07-08T01:38:00.003-04:00

A few weeks ago I told you about the 'chaos' that has been my life. While life has calmed down (for the most part), the song that I wrote about is just as important in my life today as it was a month ago.

Back then, I wanted to share the song with you, but was only able to share the lyrics. Thankfully, today Casey Darnell (the artist) uploaded it to YouTube.

CHECK IT OUT!!!

Many blessings,
Allison

I am NOT in control

2010-06-29T19:07:00.005-04:00

Craig has been out of town with 1200 high school students in Panama City, FL. I know that God is doing amazing things in the hearts of those students & the volunteers that are with them.

I've been doing well on my own. Kids went camping for the 1st time. We've managed to eat most meals at home. Granted, they certainly were not GOURMET meals, but they had some nutritional value.

I have been feeling lonely though. Yesterday, I did NOT want to get out of my pjs. Slight depression setting in. Thankfully, my wonderful friend, Kristin, invited us for dinner so I had no choice but to shower & get dressed. But last night... feeling as if life was out of control, I binged. I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew that the binge wasn't going to take that depression away, but I felt as though I was in control. If I wanted to eat 3 chocolate bars, then I could - and did.

Did my depression go away afterward? Nope... and I knew it wouldn't. But I will admit that the chocolate certainly tasted yummy as I ate it.

Today we ventured out of the house & went to the movies. Free movie Tuesday at a local theater. The place is ALWAYS packed!!! I don't do well with crowded places, but this wasn't too bad. It was the AFTER that made me shut down emotionally.

We (Kristin & I) decided to take the kids to lunch at Chik-Fil-A. There's a play place there so what better place to go. Food & entertainment for one low price, right?!?!? Apparently, everyone else at the free movie had the SAME idea. We actually had to WAIT for a table. Needed 6 seats, only got 4. I don't cope well with chaos. Then, we let the kids play in the play place and WE went in. Another BAD idea for me... all those kids yelling in one small place. It was hot & sticky in there..... no air & lots of nasty little feet. Throw in some STUPID (yeah, I said stupid) cog toy that made a HORRIFIC noise while it was spun; my brain shut down. I couldn't concentrate. Tunnel vision began.

Poor Craig called right as we got in the car & I had a total meltdown. We're talking tears-a-streaming, snot-a-flowing meltdown. I hate having the kids see it, but it won't scar them, right? It's ok for them to see me as a human and not SUPER MOM, right? Of course, Craig feels helpless because he's in Florida and we're here. I've learned to appreciate him more. I realized that so much of my day is made easier because I have an amazing husband.

With Craig's urging, the kids gave me some "ME" time once we got home. I took a nap. I'd love to say that I woke refreshed, but that's not the case. I did awake with a resolve that I needed a meeting MORE than I needed Zumba.

So, with the help of my wonderful friend, Amy, I dropped the kids off with her. Then my fantastic friend, Lisa, picked me up and drove to the meeting. It's EXACTLY what I needed. To be surrounded by people who 'get' me. I didn't share anything profound nor did I learn anything profound, but I still got something out of it. A gentle reminder from God that I am not alone. That all I need is to simply be WILLING. He'll do the rest.

Tonight, I am willing to let God work in my life.

Thankful List 6/29/10

1. Friends perfectly placed by God
2. Willingness
3. The love of my husband & children

Many blessings,
Allison

Seasons of life

2010-06-24T02:41:00.004-04:00

I'm a complicated woman. There, I said it (though any man reading this would probably say that ALL women are complicated).

As much as I like to say that I'm a 'fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants' kind of girl, I'm not one that embraces change either. I'll embrace it when it doesn't actually have a HUGE impact on MY life.

But if MY life is going to change, you better watch out!!! I'll be kicking & screaming the whole way! Trying to control everything and everyone around me so that I can 'think' that I am in control.

There's a saying:

Some people come into your life for a reason.
Some people come into your life for a season.
Some people come into your life for a lifetime.

I'm all about seeing the reason why certain people are in my life. I love when God reveals that to me. I LOVE having friends that will last for a lifetime. You know the ones: days, months, years can go by before you talk to one another, but when you do it's like time has stood still (except for the gray hairs & wrinkles).

It's those SEASON people that I have a hard time with. Don't get me wrong... some of the season people are in my life for a reason... some of them will be in my life for a lifetime too. But it's at the end of the season, when there's that "goodbye" of sort, that I hate.

Sometimes the friendship just fizzles. Sometimes it's a catastrophic event. Either way, there's a sense of loss. That little hole in your heart that only that is reserved for that person.

But then God does something amazing!!! He fills that void with His love. Sometimes He brings new people to your life that increase the size of your heart so that void doesn't feel so BIG.

It's moments like this that remind me of one of my all-time favorite Christian songs by Michael W. Smith... You know the one. In fact, the tune just popped into your head as you're reading this.

Friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though its hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long to live as friends

Many blessings,
Allison

Happy Father's Day

2010-06-20T23:22:00.005-04:00

How can I let Father's Day go by without blogging about the special Dads in my life.

My Dad, Bob

I'll be the 1st to admit that I did not have a good relationship with my father when I was a child. Honestly, we didn't really have A relationship. We were like ships that pass in the night - except with a lot of yelling and anger.

Because of circumstances beyond my control (and because God knows what He's doing), my father & I were forced to form a relationship when I was 21. I was left to live with him (or I could have moved out). It was very stunted at first. But as time went by, I learned more & more about my Dad. Not necessarily from my Dad, but the knowledge I gained really helped cement the relationship that we have today.

My Dad is my hero. In the past 17 years, I have seen my father humble himself before me, asking for my forgiveness. Really putting an effort into being the Dad that I so longed to have when I was a child.

FIL (father-in-law), Skip

My father-in-law is one of those guys that just kind of sits back and absorbs life. He's not all that quick to offer his opinion on something. But when he does, be ready. He's got a dry, sick sense of humor that the kids LOVE.

Skip has been serving his community for decades as a VOLUNTEER fire fighter. He's a 3rd generation fire fighter, working through the ranks of Lieutenant, Captain, Deputy Chief, Assistant Chief (2x) & Chief (2x). I love the dedication to his service. He doesn't do it halfheartedly like some of the fire fighters. He doesn't get paid to run into a burning building when everyone else is running out. It' s just in his blood.

Craig, my beloved

I have been blessed by being married to Craig for almost 13 years. He is an amazing father to our children, one whom is SO loved & adored. He is our daughter's protector and our son's hero. We may have 2 children of our own, Craig has touched the lives of hundreds of others through teaching & being a small group leader at church.

Craig followed in the footsteps of his father by joining the volunteer fire department while we were in NJ. He chose a career, while not monetarily rich, that is VERY personally rewarding. He has become my best friend - the way God intended us to be.

We have seen a lot of ups & downs in our marriage, but have finally put God in the center of our marriage. He strives to be a wonderful husband (which he is) and a terrific father (which he is).

These 3 men have a tremendous impact on my life and the lives of my children. Ultimately, these men will have an impact on the world because they give us just a glimpse of what our Heavenly Father's love is all about.

To our 3 super Dads - HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!

Many blessings,
Allison

It's a new day...

2010-06-20T23:04:00.005-04:00

I've been inspired today. Not quite sure why. Maybe it was the realization (again) that I am in the clutches of a powerful disease and the ONLY way to take away the power is to FULLY give it over to God.

I have been too focused on what I cannot control - to the point of utter frustration. I had my meeting tonight. Let me tell you, had I not been the leader tonight, I would have went home. The sliding doors at the meeting location were broken. So, I begrudgingly walked around to the back of the building to get in. No big deal, right? I mean, every other time the stupid sliding glass doors were broken, the back door was where we needed to go. NOT TONIGHT!! Nope, those doors were locked TOO! So were the next set of doors right next to them.

There I am, ANGRY as all heck, wheeling the material for the meeting and I'm ready to just go home. Well, not go RIGHT home - no, I was going to stop at Wally World for a little binge. I was willing (or at least contemplating) to give up my continued abstinence because a DOOR wouldn't open. Really? Seriously??

I called my sponsor who calmed me down & then saw a program friend and walked in with her. Did I really get that upset because a door wouldn't work? Because a door didn't open the way I expected it to?

Earlier in the week, I got upset because my expectations of people weren't being met. Yep, that's right. MY eating is out of control, so let me try to control those around me. That works!!! (NOT)

Tomorrow is a new day. I have remained abstinent, but need to really get back with the program. It's not just about maintaining my abstinence. It's about working the Steps. It's about connecting with God and working through this TOGETHER - not alone. I am not alone in this. I have my husband, children, family & friends, but most of all I have God. He will never leave me or forsake me.

Thankful list (6/20/10)

1. A loving & supportive husband
2. A safe place to talk about my disease
3. Opportunity to spend time with my children

Many blessings,
Allison

Hello new friends

2010-06-19T02:00:00.005-04:00

Sadly, I have a handful of friends who have lost their children. Either at the age of 14 or newborn. No matter what age the child was, they were loved from the very 1st moment. I have been told by these friends that they believe God send them little reminders of their angels. One friend says every time she see a blue bird it reminds her of her son, Tyler.

Another friend shared her children with me today. I feel so blessed. This friend believes that yellow butterflies represent her son and ladybugs or red cardinals represent her daughter. While I will never meet her precious children here on Earth, I have faith that I will one day meet them in Heaven. Yet, today I feel as though I have a little connection with them.

Maybe I just don't usually pay that close attention, but maybe, JUST MAYBE God was sharing these babies with me. On my way home from my friend's house, I noticed a yellow butterfly pass by my windshield. Coincidence? Possibly. When I got to a stop sign, I noticed a BRIGHT red cardinal just sitting. Another coincidence? I guess.

But tonight, while having ice cream with other friends, one of the little girls in our group came over to us. In her hair was a ladybug. I don't think I can call that a coincidence anymore. I believe that I MET those children and God wanted me to remember them in my daily life.

Now, every time I see a delicate yellow butterfly, I will remember Travis. Every time I see a beautiful red cardinal or a tiny little lady bug, I will remember Emily.

I love that through God's creation, I was able to meet my friend's children.

Many blessings,
Allison

Introducing.....

2010-06-18T05:29:00.004-04:00

Many of you have been following me for quite some time. Occasionally, I'll post pictures of my off-spring, but RARELY will I post a picture of myself. Why? Because I'm usually the one BEHIND the camera (and I kind of like it that way)

My online friend though I hope to meet her one day in real life, Lynnette challenged her readers to post pictures of themselves being themselves. Well, being that I'm usually behind the camera, I don't have any really goofy pictures to show you. But I can assure you, those that actually know me can attest that I am GOOFY!!!

So, I present to you, my family!

Me & the "mayor"

Our princess

The boy

As for an update, things have been going pretty well. My in-laws have come & gone. It was a nice visit. The kids had a blast with them. Not that Craig & I didn't, but let's face it, the in-laws come to visit the grandkids!

Having people visit is usually very stressful for me. I want to be the perfect hostess, then I wind up not doing ANY hostessing because it's too overwhelming for me. I did maintain my abstinence while my in-laws were in town though. It was tough - I won't lie. I had to have some snacks hidden because they were just TOO tempting. I am blessed that I have family & friends who are so supportive of my journey.

There you go, my family & an update. We may be a small family compared to most, but we have hearts as big as mountains!

Many blessings,
Allison

Indescribable

2010-06-12T15:05:00.009-04:00

For several months now, we've been trying to get to North Georgia College & State University to check out the FREE planetarium show. I attempted back in February, but got there too late for us to get a seat.

Last night, while my in-laws were still in town, we headed out early, had dinner at Sonic and then headed on up to Dahlonega to check out the planetarium. The show was great! Ok, it doesn't rival the Hayden Planetarium in NYC, but I was still impressed!!!

The best part of the evening was heading out to their observatory after the show. I won't even try to explain the telescope they had (I don't know how). Even one of the students brought their own telescope.

I've always had an interest in astronomy. Probably dating back to my senior year of high school. A boy I dated was a boy scout and taught me to look at a few constellations. Orion was my FAVORITE (still is). I even toyed with the idea of changing my major to astronomy. Regretting it now.

Last night... while it was quite hazy outside, we were still treated to incredible sites! We were taught to find Venus, Mars & Jupiter in the night sky. Then we got to view EACH planet in a telescope. OUTSTANDING! AMAZING!!! Truly INDESCRIBABLE!

The very best part of the night was seeing Saturn & its rings. We were also treated to a peek at Titan (one of Saturn's moons). For a bit, I thought that there was a magazine picture on the other end of the telescope, that's how clear it was. Seeing it in BOTH telescopes... intense!

Can you believe it!! THIS is what I saw. Justin & I could have stayed there for hours. The professors that were with us were SO knowledgeable and were very willing to share that knowledge. Seriously, if I had a tent, I would have stayed... heck, if I had a CHAIR and a car (we carpooled with the rest of the family) I would have stayed. They even pointed out star clusters. Told stories of the constellations. We even got to see 3 satellites in just 5 minutes.

The whole time, I couldn't stop thinking about what an amazing God we serve. While we're busy trying to figure ways to put life on Mars, God just keeps showing me new & exciting things in His creation. Here I am 38-years old, been privy to see some beautiful sites here on Earth, now treated to what God has placed in the heavens.

If you find yourself having a free Friday night and looking for something fun to do, I HIGHLY recommend heading up to Dahlonega for the free planetarium & observatory. I couldn't even put a price for the experience.

Many blessings,
Allison

My beloved, the "mayor"

2010-06-10T20:31:00.005-04:00

Without fail, no matter where we go (mall, NJ, GA, international airport) my husband runs into SOMEONE he knows.

It happened all the time in NJ. My friend, Debbie, started calling him "The Mayor". Literally, without fail he would know SOMEONE where ever we went. Being from a small town & having your father in the fire department probably attributed to that.

When we were visiting Georgia, looking to move, we were in Newark International Airport (yeah, yeah I know. It's Liberty Airport or something like that) getting ready to board our plane. Wouldn't you know it - my husband KNEW someone on our plane.

Years later, once again sitting in Newark International Airport, hubby saw someone he knew on THAT plane to ATL too.

Anytime we ran into someone he knew, I'd sit there in the background, waiting to be introduced. Sadly, 9 times out of 10 they would say goodbye and I'd STILL be in the background.

Fast forward to today... we had to swing by the school that he works at to pick something up. He went to chat with his principal, whom I had yet to meet. What a wonderful surprise when he introduced me as his "beautiful bride".

He's STILL the mayor everywhere we go, but now he introduces me. He's been saying that more & more recently when he introduces me, yet today was the first time I REALLY heard it. It made me feel SO wonderful. He really must love me to introduce me that way. I mean, we'll be married 13 years come November. I don't consider myself his BRIDE still. But to him, I am still that bride that he married 12 1/2 years ago.

I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine. Song of Solomon 6:3

Many blessings,
Allison

Bitter sweet goodbyes (already)

2010-06-04T22:33:00.002-04:00

Ok, so my best friend hasn't moved just yet, but her hubby is scheduled to move by next weekend. That means there's only a little time left. Granted, they haven't sold their house yet. But still..... she's going to be moving.

We had small group at her house tonight. We always have fun at small group. Except tonight. There was that big elephant in the room. Gathered in corners of her house were items they're getting rid of -- 'the store'. We were told to take what we wanted; the rest was going to Good Will.

It hurt to see the piles. The piles mean they're cleaning house. Figuring out what to bring to Iowa & what stays behind.

As we walked out to the car, saying goodbye wasn't so simple anymore. It wasn't a 'bye, see ya later'. There was MORE there. Heck, I'm probably going to see her every day for the next 5 days, but soon enough we will be saying GOOD BYE.

While I shouldn't be focusing on what has not come, I need to always keep it in the back of my mind. I don't want to be shocked when the day finally does get here.

Hopefully we'll be heading to Starbucks one night soon. Probably more like multiple nights soon. I need it. She needs it. Especially before her hubby leaves.

I'm scared yet excited to see what God has planned for our families.

Many blessings,
Allison

I am NOT alone

2010-05-29T11:19:00.002-04:00

This was in my inbox today:

Many of us, in trying to run away from our essential aloneness, have abused alcohol, work, drugs, food, money, and entertainment. In spite of our frantic activity, we have continued to feel "alone in a crowd," "alone in our dreams," and "lonely in our marriages."

These experiences should prove we cannot successfully avoid coming to terms with our aloneness. The sooner we accept responsibility for our lives, the sooner we will stop inflicting unnecessary pain on ourselves.

In accepting our aloneness, we accept that no one can protect us from ourselves - and that no one can live our lives for us. "Aloneness" simply means that we cannot depend on others for our joy or sorrow. We are the authors of our actions, attitudes, and experiences and not the "victims" of fate or circumstance.

Today I will not be afraid of my aloneness. I will accept total responsibility for my attitudes, actions, or neglects. I will not seek unnecessary pain by relying on what others say or do to make me happy.

Normally, I love the interesting little tidbits that arrive in my inbox from Hazeldon. But not this one.

Our disease is what isolates us. But we do not HAVE to be alone in this. We have our program friends and some of us are blessed to have our family.

If I am honest with my sponsor & fellow OA friends, I do not have to be alone. I can rely on their support, love & understanding.

If I am open with my husband, I am not alone. Granted, he cannot fully understand my battle, but he can certainly give me the love & support needed persevere.

Most of all, we have God. They're right, no one can protect me from myself... no one here on earth. But God can! If I am walking with God during my recovery, I am not alone. He will protect me from myself & my disease.

It's a new day for me and I plan to make the most of it. I will not be 'alone' today!

Many blessings,
Allison

Waters rising

2010-05-26T14:32:00.006-04:00

This week has been one heck of a roller coaster ride for me. Baseball, mammograms, Zumba & my best friend moving. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. Forget bringing me to my knees; I've landed flat on my butt.

Honestly, I want to just crawl in my bed and stay there for days. Wake me when it's over! But the rational part of my mind (the part that RARELY wins) is telling me to just get up & get on with life. Yes, my very-best-friend is moving to Iowa, but I can make the most of the rest of her time here. THAT is what a friend would do. I am going to break 'tradition' and not pull away. I am going to face this head on.

I am also waiting on test results. A lump was found in my right bre@st via mammogram & ultrasound. It could be a lymph node or a cyst or the C word. As much as I want to just think the worst, I have an overwhelming sense of peace. Whatever the outcome, my God is in control. It is a part of His story for me. Do I want cancer - HECK NO!!! Yet, if that is what's being dealt then so be it.

As usual, I turn to music. It's what makes up the soundtrack of my life. So, what am I listening to right now, during this tumultuous time? Casey Darnell's newest album, ANTHEM. Especially his song, When the Waters Rise. He wrote this song right after his wife suffered a miscarriage of their 2nd child. The story behind the song is BEAUTIFUL! I am using the words of this song as my prayer.

When the waters rise around me I am safe
In the valley Lord, you are near always
You have surrounded me by your grace
When my strength is gone, I won't be afraid
You are with me always

When there seems no way, You are here with me
And this life brings pain, You are here with me
I wont be afraid, You are here with me
You are all I need and You are here with me
~written by Casey Darnell

Many blessings,
Allison

The story of Buddy

2010-05-21T14:38:00.010-04:00

Sunday marks my son's 10th birthday. I can't believe my baby is going to be 10. Double digits - really, truly a tween.

The birth of our son was TOTALLY different than the birth of our daughter. He was a planned c-section. My mother came up from North Carolina for the birth - her birthday is May 22nd. My dad took the day off of work and hang out at the hospital too.

I remember hearing his cry for the first time. That was something that I didn't get when our daughter was born. The best was when our daughter (22 months) came to the hospital later that day to meet her new brother. As soon as she saw him she said 'Hi Buddy. I'm your big sister.' Talk about a melt-your-heart moment.

Here we are, almost 10 years later, they're still pretty good friends (as long as the planets are in alignment).

Happy Birthday Buddy!!!

2005 2010

Many blessings,
Allison

I am SO angry

2010-05-18T22:27:00.004-04:00

It's not a good night for me. I broke abstinence without even realizing it. To make matters worse, once I realized it, I kept on breaking it. Why? Because I am ANGRY!

Initially, I broke my abstinence because I was frustrated; frustrated with my daughter. For the past few weeks, she has been so nonchalant about her homework. "Oh, I didn't do it - oh well." After we punished for for over a week, she did it again. Really? What are we doing wrong? What will it take to get her to listen?

So, I head to my meeting (while Zumba is on a break I've been attending a Tuesday night meeting). On the way there, I stopped off for a soda. Then I decided to 'treat' myself - BAD IDEA! I ate the entire package of mini chocolate donuts. I had just had dinner - not hungry at all. In fact, I was quite satisfied. But I ate those donuts anyway. At meeting, we read something which totally clicked for me. I mindlessly ate because I was frustrated.

To make matters worse, I learned that my very best friend is heading to Iowa. Her husband is in the running for a job there. So they are going to check things out. Of course, I need to be brutally honest! I told her that I hope she had a safe trip, but hope she hated it and that she couldn't find a house. Great friend I am, right??? Later I apologized to her. She said she was thankful for my honesty - I still felt bad.

I came home, ate an ice pop, waited for my husband to go to bed. Then I ate a chocolate chip cookie and a bowl of cereal. Why? Because I am sad. I feel like my life is spiraling out of control and the only thing that I can control is what I eat.

How foolish! I am NOT in control of my food. My disease is. I've taken that control back from God and given it right back to my illness. Really?? Again? Am I feeling any better now that I've eaten? Nope!!! I feel sick to my stomach from OVER eating and those feelings are still there - combined with the feelings of knowing that I broke abstinence.

Here's to tomorrow!

Many blessings,
Allison

Being present

2010-05-17T14:00:00.003-04:00

This was in my inbox the other day. It's exactly what I needed to 'hear' too! I love when that happens.

Being Present
Reality can be a difficult place to live. Sometimes it seems impossible to stay in the here and now.
From time to time we all revisit the past and yearn for the future. This is natural.
Being present every minute of the day is impossible for anyone.
Still, we can strive to be present for as many minutes as we can. We strive for progress, not perfection.
Today, am I doing what I can to be present?

Thought for the Day
A small dose of reality is better than no reality at all.

As much as I don't like to dwell on my past, sometimes it is a little easier to live back there. I mean, I was SO much thinner then. In my mind, I was SO much happier too! Not to mention, I wasn't dealing with my eating disorder head on, the way I am right now.

BUT so much of my past is responsible for my eating disorder. As a teen, I purposely didn't eat or vomited to stay thin. I was obsessed with being 'skinny'. After dealing with all the sexual abuse that I went through, I began eating as a way to hide my feelings - and myself.

So I NEED to stay in reality. That's what is going to get me healthy. Yes, I'll be dealing with my past, but bringing it to the forefront so that I can overcome this disorder. I'll never be cured, but I will be in recovery. THAT is my reality!!!

Many blessings,
Allison

Theme song

2010-05-12T14:09:00.006-04:00

Several years ago, Louie Giglio (one of my favorite Christian speakers) did a series at church called "Soundtrack". Our lives have a soundtrack. Certain songs evoke feelings, emotions, memories. Something simple as 'Jesus Loves Me' can transport me back in time to when I was 5 years old and sitting in Sunday School. Or listening to a Richard Marx song brings me back to my senior prom.

I live life through a soundtrack. Taking note of particular songs that have meaning to me. I find a way to work them into my life.

I have found a new one!

In February 2010, Casey Darnell was leading worship at our church. He showcased a new song that he had written. The lyrics pierced my heart instantly and I couldn't wait to get my hands on the lyrics. I went so far as to have my husband contact Casey via Facebook to see if he would share the lyrics with me (the album had not been released yet). The song was my anthem, especially with the speaking engagement that I had coming up. I wanted to work the song into my talk (Craig forgot to give me the lyrics so I never did get to use them).

Fast forward to May 11, 2010. Casey FINALLY released his newest EP on iTunes featuring MY song! I had been flirting with the idea of buying the album - especially since Casey was giving FREE socks to the needy for every iTunes purchase of his new album. Forget the flirting - I BOUGHT IT!!!!

The words are JUST as powerful now as they were back in February. Between life, eating disorder & family the words just ring true. I wish I could share the song with you so you can listen to it..... But I can share the words.

Power in Your Name

Written by Casey Darnell

Chorus:

There is power in Your name,

There is mercy there is grace

Where the weary soul finds rest

In the presence of Jesus

There is love that never fails,

No matter how dark My God Prevails

In our weakness there is strength

In the presence of Jesus

Looking back on my life, the abuse, the bullying... It doesn't matter how dark my life looked. God was always there. The only place I've ever been able to find rest has been in the loving arms of my God.

Casey is a talented singer/songwriter with a heart for God. If you can, purchase the entire album. It WILL speak to your heart.

Many blessings,
Allison

SLACKER!!!

2010-05-12T08:38:00.002-04:00

Yeah, that's right. I've been slacking with my blogging. WOW! No real excuse though. Maybe life hasn't been all that entertaining lately. Who knows.

Things have been pretty good. Still abstinent, which should be cause for celebration. Last week was a pretty rough week as a parent. Lots of school work issues. Thankfully we got those resolved - though we had to take away the cellphone for a while. Pretty effective.

Saturday was the Lupus Walk. I really wish I had brought my camera. The event was beautiful!!! Over 3000 people gathered to walk & raise awareness about Lupus. I was so blessed to be walking with my 2 sisters, my niece, my sister's boyfriend & my sister's friend. Ooh, and I cannot forget Gaby, my niece's friend.

Our 5K was changed to a 1.5 mile (which I hear is a 2.5K). Piedmont Park in Atlanta is BEAUTIFUL!! I can't believe I've lived here for 6 years now and that was the 1st time I had checked it out! Worth going back for.

Mother's Day was nice. It was a quiet day. I even got a nap!! Then we had some friends over for dinner - pulled pork sandwiches. YUMMY! Craig is quite the cook.

In other news, school is almost over. Just 2 1/2 weeks left before Craig and the kids are home for the summer. I've got mixed feelings. As much as I cannot wait to have them all home, this will be the 1st year that I have NOT worked during the summer. Which means we'll be together 24/7! I will be learning a LOT of patience this summer.

My new mantra:

In our weakness, there is strength.

I've heard it at my OA meetings time & time again. Yesterday, I heard it as a line in a song. Such a short sentence holds such powerful truth.

I'm doing life one day at a time. Learning that the only person who can fix me is me. That is the key to my recovery.

Not much else.... though you never know when I'll be struck with a new blog!

Many blessings,
Allison

BEWARE: defiant child on board

2010-05-03T22:51:00.002-04:00

I'm still hating my disease. In fact, I'm hating it SO much that I have been utterly defiant today.

My sponsor asked me to call her before 1pm today. I called her at 2:15. Why? Because I wanted to, that's why. I was going to do what I wanted to do. Too bad!
For lunch, I decided that I was going to eat a bowl of chocolate ice cream w/whipped cream. Why? Because I can eat whatever I want to eat for my lunch. Too bad!
I didn't leave the house until 3:30 today to start my errands. Why? Because I can start my errands whenever I want to start them. Too bad!

Yep.. Here I am, a 38-year old grown woman deciding to be defiant just because I can. I know why I am doing this. Battling this disease, I feel like I'm losing control. So, I am going to control whatever miniscule aspects of my life that I can.

I need to constantly remember that while I am 'losing' control, I am giving that control over to God; not to my disease. My disease is the part of me that is freaking out over losing control.

My life is unmanagable! I cannot do this alone. I am SO tired of letting the food have control over my life. It's time I take back that control, give it over to God. TOGETHER, I can get through this.

But it's one day at a time. Maybe right now, I need to just let it be one hour at a time. Whatever I need to do to get through this.

I have a new abstinence. Yes, I will continue to not binge/overeat. I also need to commit to having 3 meals a day. No more of this if I skip breakfast & lunch, I can have a bigger dinner. That doesn't do ANYTHING to help curb the binges. That only adds to the binge issues. Yes, my chocolate ice cream counts as a meal - it's just not the healthiest meal decision. Right now, it's not about doing a meal plan; it's about getting my mind in the right place.

I'm getting there... slowly but surely.

Many blessings,
Allison

Sorry

2010-05-02T22:15:00.003-04:00

I haven't blogged in almost a week. I'd like to say that I've been SO busy that I just couldn't find the time. That would be a BIG lie. Instead, I've been hiding from the world. Thought it would be SO much easier to deal with life by hiding instead of actually dealing with it head on. Man, that's a stinky lesson to learn.

I'm angry - again. I'm angry at this stupid disease! I'm angry that there isn't a cure; only recovery. You would think that I would be happy with recovery; I'm sure I will be one day. Today, however, I want a cure! I'm not gonna get one. There's no happy magic pill that will poof away this disease. I need to be in the trenches, everyday, fighting it.

Most days, I'm up for the fight. This week, I decided to just roll over & play dead. What do I get for playing dead? Nothing! Everything is STILL there waiting to be worked on. Only NOW the emotions are SO raw.

I have had 7 days of abstinence and I am proud of that. Especially since this past week was a rough week for me. Yet, the abstinence wasn't a fulfilling accomplishment for me. Instead of REALLY abstaining (fighting for that abstinence) I just hid from food. Not healthy either. That just keeps me in this disease.

Darn it - I HATE THIS DISEASE!!!!

Tomorrow is another day. God will see me through it - He's amazingly faithful like that.

Thankful List (5/2/10)
~ Sunday night meetings
~ Finding a bathing suit I WANT to wear
~ A husband that is willing to listen to my insanity

Many blessings,
Allison

A letter to a bully

2010-04-26T13:55:00.003-04:00

Dear Bully,

Normally I wouldn't waste my time on words for you because I seriously doubt you would even read them. If you did, you wouldn't even realize that I was talking to you!

I am tired. I am tired of hearing your name in my home. I am tired of conversations about you & the garbage that you put my child through. I am emotionally drained at the thought that there is someone in this world who, for some reason, does not like my child. I am angry!

I am also sad.... sad for you. Sad because of what your life must be like so that you feel better by bullying someone else. Do you not get enough love at home? Is there something that you don't like about yourself? What hurt you must experience each day that you feel it necessary to inflict hurt on others.

Don't hide behind your pain. The one that you bully is the one who would be your friend. They would be the one who would see the good in you & help you learn to see the good in yourself.

I'm not saying my child is perfect. Hardly.... but my child has a heart, just like you, and it breaks, just like yours does. I ask you to stop & think before you bully. Why make someone else's life miserable just because you are miserable. Get help!

The school year is almost over. You would think that I would get used to hearing your name so frequently. But I don't... I cringe when I hear it because I know that somehow my child has experienced turmoil at your hands.

I'm praying for you... that's all I can do.

Many blessings,
A tired mom

Starting over

2010-04-25T16:40:00.003-04:00

Well, I managed to make it 10 1/2 days of abstinence before blowing it... Just a little set back. I'm proud of that accomplishment. In the process, I managed to lose 5 pounds too...

Yeah, so today was day 11. I was doing really well... Honestly, I didn't even realize that I broke abstinence until I got to the 'end'. End of what you might ask.... End of a gigunda bag on Swedish Fish. Ok, so I think I've found a trigger food. Well, it was a trigger food combined with a trigger situation.

I'm not beating myself up over it. I can't. These things happen. I just need to recognized what happen & learn from it. Right now I have SO MUCH more on my mind. Losing abstinence is the least of my worries.

So, tomorrow I start the count again.

Many blessings,
Allison

Working on a GIVEAWAY!!!

2010-04-23T09:02:00.004-04:00

I may not have the amount of traffic as other bloggers do (this is strictly a hobby for me though I'd love to get paid for it), however I've decided to team with a WONDERFUL friend for a giveaway.

Yes, I said GIVEAWAY!!!!

More details to come (gotta hammer them out), so stayed tuned.

I will give you a little sneak peek though:

Could these be ANY cuter!!!

In the meantime, check out the rest of their product line.

Many blessings,
Allison

From bully to friend

2010-04-21T22:59:00.003-04:00

Growing up, I think I might have been a little different. We weren't rich. I didn't wear the latest fashions. My height was definitely an issue. I can remember the relentless teasing starting in 7th grade all the way through high school because of my height; Big Bird, giraffe, etc. I HATED being tall. I hated school.

There's been a lot of press about bullying lately. A sad reality of our society. Picking on someone because they're different in order to feel better about your own short-comings. From Columbine to the recent tragedy of Phoebe Prince, taking her own life because 9 classmates tortured her daily.

I take bullying seriously. I've been a victim of it. Maybe not as much as the stories mentioned above, but it was still enough to wound my self-esteem. That's a whole other blog topic.

Imagine our surprise when we found out that our very own son was inadvertently participating in bullying. Thankfully, it didn't get out of hand yet the poor young man has endured a lot of pain this school year.

Craig & I had a LONG talk with Justin about this. We shared our own experiences of being teased for being different. We encouraged Justin be a leader we know he is instead of the follower he tends to be. We also reminded him that Jesus would befriend the boy being teased, not Justin and his classmates who have been doing the teasing; reminding him that Jesus' disciples were people who society hated, not the 'religious' men of His time.

Today is a proud moment as a mom. Justin went to school and befriended the young man who has been teased this year. He took time & talked with the boy only to find out that they have SO much in common. I'm proud of my son.

He still hasn't gotten the courage to tell others about this friendship, but this is a step in the right direction. My son has managed to see this boy in a new light. My prayer is that HE will be able to influence his class.

Another parenting hurdle cleared.... many more to come.

Many blessings,
Allison

Just what I need....

2010-04-21T14:13:00.005-04:00

I love my Heavenly Father. I can't say it enough. Just when I feel like the walls are closing in around me, God brings something to me that helps clear the webs.

Today's Gift (from Hazelden) read:

QUIET MY MIND

Dear Lord,
Teach me to quiet my mind.
Stop my thoughts from racing
from one thing to another.
Stop me from the obsessive
thinking about the lives of others.
Help me rest and quiet my mind.
Help me let go of trying to control the lives of others.
Free my mind to be at rest.
This I pray.

It's EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Yesterday wasn't such a good day here in the Ahrens household. Just when I take the power away from Satan with one part of my life, he scrambles to attack another. Anyway, yesterday was just a day. I was ready to binge. The worst part, I offered to go to the grocery store to pick up a few things for dinner. That's always dangerous for me.

See, I have no problem going to the store. That's the easy part. The hard part is getting OUT of the store with only the items I went to by. I'm not talking about picking up a few extra groceries. I WISH! Nope, we're talking about sneaking a few binge items, eating them on the way home, then feeling like crap afterward.

Again, God knew what was in my mind. My sponsor called me just as I was heading into the store & stayed on the phone with me while I shopped - helping me resist the temptation.

So today He gave me this prayer. It is SO fitting for me. I meant to apologize to a friend last night for not being supportive. I chickened out. I tried to rationalize it by reminding myself that I haven't gotten to the 'make amends' step yet. But I don't think I need to wait... I guess I should ask my sponsor.

For now, I'm asking God quiet my mind. He's proven to be faithful. I'm SO loved.

Many blessings,
Allison

Today is the day.....

2010-04-19T13:55:00.003-04:00

We sang this song in UpStreet yesterday. I love it because it's so upbeat & rockin'. What a great way to celebrate my God - jumping up & down, praising His name.

But today this song means SO much more to me. You see, I am in my 5th day of abstinence.

What am I abstaining from? I'll tell you... As you know, I am a compulsive overeater. The past few days I've focused on abstaining from binge eating. Abstinence to a compulsive overeater is the same as sobriety to an alcoholic.

I'm gonna be honest here (aren't I always), this has been the hardest thing I've ever done. For SO long, I've listened to that voice in my head telling me it's ok to eat. It'll make me feel better. Going against that voice, UGH! What a fight!!! It doesn't make me feel better. I usually feel worse. Not only do I STILL have the emotional pain I was trying to drown out, I then have the physical pain of a belly ache.

I still fight the urge to binge. But today I have it over to God and I feel free. They call this the 'honeymoon' period. I need to just take this one day at a time. Don't focus on what tomorrow will bring; just what I'm doing today. One day at a time... sometimes one minute at a time.

And I won't worry about tomorrow
I'm giving You my fears and sorrows
Where You lead me I will follow
I'm trusting in what You say
Today is the day
~Lincoln Brewster

I'm a long way from recovery... but I am enjoying the recovery I am currently experiencing.

Many blessings,
Allison

Ok God...

2010-04-16T08:14:00.003-04:00

I subscribe to a daily email devotional from Hazelden for people in program (AA, OA, NA, etc.). Honestly, most days I don't even bother to open it or read it. Why did I bother to subscribe; it's just become junk mail.

Yesterday, my sponsor read the daily entry to me & it was perfect for what I was going through. I decided to read today's:

Having realistic expectations.

Sometimes we expect much too much of people and things. We will never be happy if we expect our doctor to work instant cures or if we blame our teacher for what we failed to learn. We need to examine what's realistic to expect of others and what we are responsible for ourselves. It's the same with the program: We cannot judge its effectiveness by whether we are happy all the time.

The program will be perfect only when we are perfect. We must let go of our childish all-or-nothing attitude and become more realistic. After all, when were we ever happy all the time?

Do I expect too much?

Higher Power, when I am unhappy
with the program, help me be honest
with myself about where the problem lies.

Do you think God is trying to tell me something? I think He heard me yesterday. While I didn't PHYSICALLY cry out "HELP", I did cry out on paper.

I expect too much. I expect perfection from myself. There is no room for error. Everyone else around me can make mistakes & I accept them. But for me to make a mistake - bite your tongue. It's not because I see myself as perfect - SO not the truth. It's because I do not like to show my weakness & vulnerability to others; my Achilles Heel. HATE IT!!

Which is kind of funny since I seem to be REALLY vulnerable when it comes to these entries. That's because it's fairly anonymous. I mean, how many of you to I REALLY see on a day-to-day basis. Not many. So it's easier to be vulnerable to you.

Today, I'm working on abstinence. I learned yesterday that not everyone has the same definition of abstinence, and that's ok. Right now, abstinence for me is calling my sponsor, making other daily calls & writing my food. If I don't binge, that's a bonus.

4/15/10 thankful list

~ went to WalMart without buying crap food to binge on
~ the ability & strength to only eat 1/2 of my dinner
~ wonderful friends & family who support me

Many blessings,
Allison

The journey continues.....

2010-04-15T21:27:00.001-04:00

Where do I begin?

I have to write about what's going on. Why I'm so angry with a friend over a decision that has NOTHING to do with me. I think it's about control.

My mind knows that I am trying to take back control (or at least try to give the control over to God) with this eating disorder. It's fighting me every step of the way. I feel insane quite honestly. I mean, who argues with their MIND?!?!?! The insane, that's who.

I started out this week wanting to do an honest program. My 1^st day into it, I lied. Well, lying isn't exactly it. I hid – which means I didn't work the program – which means I wasn't being honest. So, I need to be honest. Want honesty?

I HATE that I have this disease. I hate that I've let things get SO out of control. I'm angry with myself for getting to this point. But I'm tired of being angry with myself. I need a scapegoat. I guess that's why I was SO angry with my friend. She was my scapegoat. Easier to get mad at her for making a bad decision than to face my own crap.

God I've been doing this all my life. I'd rather fix everyone else than to try and fix myself. It's not that I don't think I need fixing. I KNOW I need fixing. It's just that if I work on myself, then I need to deal with the junk. When I deal with the junk, I don't want to go into a depression.

But my sponsor said that this sleeping all day thing IS a form of depression. I guess she's right. I'm not motivated, which is sad because I have so many things I COULD be doing. I could meet up with friends for coffee or a walk, I could have gotten off my ass and enrolled in school like I've been wanting. But I'm scared. Not scared of failure – I can do that well. I think I'm scared of succeeding. If I succeed, then people will notice. If people notice, then I'm noticed.

As much as I want to be the center of attention, I don't like it. Because then all eyes are on me. Judging me, critiquing me. I've always thought I was a bit of a wall flower. Blending into the woodwork. Today proved me wrong.

It's my birthday. I thought only family & CLOSE friends would notice. But more than that noticed. People that I went to kindergarten with have sent birthday wishes. My best friend from grammar school sent me a text wishing me a happy birthday.

I think there are days (more often than not) that I still feel that I am not worthy of people's love & attention. That's where I am right now. Why don't I call my sponsor everyday? Because I shouldn't be THAT important. No one should have to take time out of their day just for me. But she doesn't HAVE to; she wants to. People in my life don't HAVE to love me, they choose to love me.

I need to start loving myself. I need to truly give this over to God, each day. I cannot do this alone. I have no problem giving other parts of my life to God, yet for some stupid reason, I'm hanging on to this part. Is it the control? Or is it something deeper? Could it be that I really don't feel that God should love me? Yet He does love me. Not because He has to, but because He WANTS to. I am His child. Just like my earthly father loves me, my Heavenly Father loves me even more. He sent his son for me. Yet, holding on to this piece of my life is like a slap in the face.

Sure God, I trust you with my family, friends & finances, but let me hold on to the food thing. This is too big for me to handle. But it's the right size for GOD to handle.

This is going to be tough. I am seriously fighting this. As I sit here & write this, my brain is screaming at me to stop. To stop thinking and seeking. Why? Why does it want me to stop? Because it wants to keep the control. It's SLOWLY losing control. Is it my mind.... could it be a foothold that Satan has found? Has he found a way into my head... he can't ruin my marriage anymore, or my family. I'm blessed with godly friends who truly care. I'm taking back the power that my abusers took from me. Satan is scrambling to keep control.

I will not allow it.... I cannot allow it. If I am going to give God control of my life then I need to give Him TOTAL control to every area of my life. Not just the parts I pick & choose.

And so I continue the journey.

Many blessings,
Allison

Honesty....

2010-04-12T00:16:00.003-04:00

...is such a lonely word.

Or is it really? When you're honest, then your secrets no longer have power.

I went to my meeting tonight. Man, I needed it. Listening to a passage in the Lifeline, my eyes were opened. I am honest (to a point) about my addiction. Sure, I can scream it from the rooftops "My name is Allison & I am a compulsive over eater". I'm doing the homework my sponsor has asked of me (most of the time). But I have NO problem finding excuses as to why I don't call her every day or why I don't make 3 other daily phone calls.

Why haven't I started a meal plan? Because I need to fix the mental & spiritual before I can fix the physical. What a load of crap! That's the disease talking again. Sadly, the disease as the same voice as I do so sometimes I have a hard time recognizing it.

So, I'm going to be honest with you tonight. I need to start a food plan. I've got all the Weight Watcher tools that I'm going to need (thanks to my mother-in-law). Now I just need to read it, figure it out & start it. NO MORE EXCUSES!

I need to call my sponsor DAILY!! Whether she or I have company. Again - NO MORE EXCUSES!

I need to make a few other phone calls each day. Not just for them, but for me. Don't worry about 'interrupting'. If someone can't talk, they'll tell me. If they don't call back, it's not personal. NO MORE EXCUSES!!

I need to hang with God more. Not just when it's convenient for me... always. He is my strength that I need to overcome this battle. NO MORE EXCUSES!

Please feel free to check on me... feel free to email me (or call if you have my number) and check up on me. The more people holding me accountable, hopefully the more honest I'll become. This is a disease of isolation. I don't want to be isolated anymore.

Many blessings,
Allison

I am an addict

2010-04-08T14:06:00.004-04:00

I went to a new meeting the other night. Well, new to me. But I heard the most profound thing.

I am an addict.

Crazy when you think about it, but it's SO true. Just like a drug addict is addicted to drugs & an alcoholic is addicted to alcohol, I am a compulsive over-eater addicted to food. Food is my addiction.

Food addicts hit rock bottom too. Our addiction affects our friends & family just like any other addict. But being a food addict isn't as recognized as other addictions are.

Watching Dr. Phil yesterday, the topic was The Ultimate Fat Debate. Is there such a thing as a healthy overweight person? The only person who made ANY sense to me was Kelly Osborne. Yes - Ozzy's daughter. She came right out and said that some people have the drive & determination to lose weight, but can't because it's an addiction. It's a mental thing. That is SO true.

I so desperately want to lose weight. I don't want to be this size anymore. I don't want young kids to ask their parents why I'm so fat anymore. I don't want to gasp for air as I walk up stairs. I know that Weight Watchers works.... and I can change my lifestyle all I want. But I need to change my BRAIN before I can make any other LASTING changes. I need to deal with the mental garbage.

Am I saying that ALL overweight people struggle with a mental thing? Not at all. There isn't ONE answer for ALL people. We all have our own issues. What I am saying is that more & more people DO struggle with their weight because of life issues. It's not about self-control.

So, I am here to say that I am an addict. You are a part of my journey to beat my addiction. There is NO cure; no magical pill or diet. There is only abstinence. It's a day to day thing. Each day brings a new issue. I ask for understanding as I battle this. Because it is a BATTLE.

Thank you for being a part of this.

Many blessings,
Allison

Lead me to the Cross

2010-04-01T13:21:00.000-04:00

One of my favorite movies is Passion of the Christ. We own it... I've watched it once or twice. Yes, its my favorite, but obviously its not one of those movies that you can watch over & over again. It's an emotional portrayal of the last moments of Christ.

The imagery is powerful. You don't have to read the subtitles to understand what's going on. Watching Jesus get beaten by the Roman soldiers was enough to bring tears to my eyes.The look on Mary's face was heart wrenching as she watched her child endure the torture.

Yet it is with a joyful & love-filled heart that I watch that movie.... Christ endured all of the humiliation, pain & torture for me. He died on that cross so that I could have eternal life.

Many blessings,
Allison

These are a few of my favorite things

2010-04-01T01:48:00.008-04:00

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

#1 ~ *Shey*[B] - Camera Strap Slipcover

I cannot decide which color I like better... Gray & Mustard Damask OR Henna. Actually, I'd be perfectly happy with either one as long as there is extra padding. I first saw this item featured over at McMama's blog & fell in love immediately.

#2 ~ Ginger Garrett books

I've said it time & time again, Ginger Garrett is one of my FAVORITE contemporary Christian authors. The 1st book I read was The Chosen: The Lost Diaries of Queen Esther and I've been hooked ever since.

#3 ~ Take 3 by Karen Kingsbury

I've read the first 2 books of this series and cannot wait to read this one. Karen Kingsbury has become my 2nd favorite contemporary Christian author.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What are some of YOUR favorites....?

Many blessings,
Allison

Breaking the chains

2010-03-31T09:52:00.006-04:00

My, what a powerful weekend!!! I've been exhausted from the weekend. Between the 7 hour drive each way, nerves from speaking & other drama, I've been wiped out since Monday.

Yet today.... today I was reminded of one of the most profound moments at the retreat. One of the speakers talked about how we need to break free of the chains that Satan uses to bind us & then use those VERY chains to bind him. Powerful imagery, isn't it? With that, she took out chains - plastic ones. She connected them together, each woman grabbed a piece of chain & we prayed together. Powerful, powerful stuff! You could FEEL it. Then each of us was able to take a little bit of 'chain' home with us to remind us of this freeing statement.

Lives were changed this weekend... outwardly & inwardly.

That moment had Satan scrambling! Within a few hours of breaking the chains, he began his attack. By the time I got home on Sunday night, our group of 4 had been attacked 3 times. We needed to remember that Satan was scared. We had taken away his 'power'. Then God greeted us with a rainbow. His promise that He is with us.

Break those chains... it can be done.

Many blessings,
Allison

Finding freedom with a broken heart***

2010-03-29T13:55:00.004-04:00

*** this is a transcript of my speech at the recent woman's retreat.

I 'met' Jesus when I was about 11 or 12. My dad was a new Christian and bringing the family to church. Everyone was always excited at church and the tears that flowed when someone received Christ - well, I wanted that. Yet, there was still a hole in my heart. I don't think I FULLY understood why it was there and how to fill it.

My teenage years were rough. I was very active in church & youth group. I even made my own purity pledge, yet I still craved the love of a man - mainly my earthly father.

I'll start my story at around age 14 (1987-ish). Sad, that I can’t remember the exact age, but maybe that’s just for the best.

I had begun attending a youth group in a nearby town. It started off small – maybe 5 kids & the youth pastor. We met in someone’s living room. But then it took off. Teens came from all over to be a part of this youth group. Eventually we grew out of that living room & started meeting in a local church. Our youth pastor was this amazing guy. Maybe 25 years old, just got back from seminary in Seattle. At least that’s what I remember. We would meet every Tuesday night… Monday nights were set aside for Christian Skate Night at a local roller rink. Youth group opened my eyes up to life beyond my small little town. I wasn’t the only Christian teen. I heard new music and went on adventures.

B*, our youth pastor, was this really charismatic guy. The kind of guy you wanted to be around. We flocked to him. What you didn’t get at home, you could get from him – love & acceptance. B took us everywhere. If you needed a ride to skating or group, he would pick you up in a huge van.

For a while, I had an interest in writing. I was always writing poems, plays & short stories. Because our youth group was SO large (we had up to 80 teens at one point), I started a newspaper/newsletter. Just about the goings on of group – trips, activities, etc. A few of the other girls from group helped me with it….

I didn’t drive – so B would pick me up & bring me to the church to use their typewriter & copier. It was always a group of us, but this one night, I was the only one who could make it. After finishing the typing on the newsletter, I was cutting out some clip art (yes, actual clip art from a book) to use. I was sitting at the church secretary’s desk working; B came up behind me and started massaging my shoulders. No big deal – right? I was feeling really uncomfortable. I remember getting up & walking around because I was that uncomfortable. It wasn’t just massaging. He would move my bra straps & try to peer down my shirt – but it was all very ‘innocent’. Yet something in my brain screamed at me. After that, I tried to never be alone with him again.

It wasn’t until I was about 16 that I figured out something was wrong. I knew that I was uncomfortable around B, but never really understood why.

I was walking home from work on a Sunday evening. It was spring, so it wasn’t that dark out. I had worked at a local ice cream place. I stopped by my friend’s house on the way home, but she wasn’t there. So I continued the walk home. You’ve got to realize, my town was TINY!!! 2 square miles – or was it 2 miles square. Either way – it was small. I was about a block from my house. It was darker now. Maybe the street lights were on. I was walking and there was someone else walking too. I think he might have crossed the street and came on my side. I don’t remember that well because it has been so long, plus it all happened so fast. He reached out & grabbed my breast. He made a rude comment. I pulled away & ran home. Police were called & about a week later an arrest was made. That incident opened up my eyes to what was going on with B. He was molesting me & MANY other girls in the youth group.

During this whole old man situation (the attack on the street), I also told my parents about B. They did the biblical thing; approached B with my accusations. He vehemently denied them – of course. My parents believed me, so they took the next step. Talk to the elders of the church. Eventually, I was asked to leave the church. Youth group was disbanded & had to stop meeting at the church they were using and I was an outcast. My Christian family deserted me.

I’ll be honest… I hated God. I couldn’t believe that all of that happened to me and I was the one who got tossed. These were God’s people… and they left me when I was hurting the most. They rallied around B – he had a history of abuse which made it “acceptable” to be an abuser. The worst part – I KNEW I wasn’t the only one. There were about 15 other girls who he was doing this to, but no one would come forward. In fact, those girls made my life miserable. They all blamed me for trying to ruin B’s life.

I looked everywhere for that love & acceptance, only to miss it. After being shunned by my church family, I grew angry with God. How could He let this happen to me? If I couldn't rely on my church family, who COULD I rely on? All the while, God was whispering to me yet I was TOO angry to hear Him.

Eventually, my self-respect went out the window. I let men treat me like garbage because I believed that I was garbage. My earthly father didn't love me, my church family didn't want me... obviously my Heavenly Father gave up on me.

I turned towards sex & alcohol to numb the pain. Let me tell you - they were only temporary fixes. The pain always came back worse than before. My mind was open for the Enemy.

I stopped attending church by then.. not just THAT church, but any church. I hated God. Just like that. Done.

I coasted through high school with a string of broken hearts. Graduated, went off to college, came back & went to community college. At 19, I was working at The Gap and having fun. I met up with an ex-boyfriend from high school and we went out. I had to go home because I needed to watch my foster sibling (I can’t remember which one we had at the time). I do remember it being toward the end of April. My parents were out & my Grandmother went home. It was just me & D*. A lot had changed at my house since we dated, so I showed him around. My room was moved up to the attic, so we went up there. We started kissing. He told me that he knew that I had had sex with someone & was upset that I wouldn’t have sex with him when we were dating. He wanted to be my first. He said that I belonged to him. Right there in my room, he laid me on my bed & undressed me. I cried. There was no penetration, but I still had to fight him off. Then he left.

A few days later, watching ‘The Accused’ on TV, I started to realize what had happened that night. I had been sexually assaulted. I sunk into a depression. I managed to tell my mother what happened, who in turn told my father. Eventually, I did reach out to a local rape crisis center.

A year later, I was dating a guy named N*. He was a nice guy. I had been friends with him for a bit before dating and we always had a great time. We were hanging out at his mother’s house with his friend, W*; just watching some TV in his room. His mom & brother were in the living room, right next door. At some point, N got up, shut his bedroom door & put a weight in front it. I didn’t think anything of it. The next thing I remember, N & W taking turns raping me. Right now, you’re probably thinking – if N’s mom & brother were in the next room, why didn’t you scream? Trust me, I screamed as loud as I could. They also took turns holding a pillow over my face so I couldn’t be heard.

If I wasn’t angry with God before!! In the course of 6 years, I had been sexually attacked by 5 different guys. There must have been something wrong with me. God must have really hated me. I wouldn’t leave my room, I couldn’t sleep. Things got bad. I was drinking like a fish & giving myself to just about any guy I knew; friends with benefits. If I was worthless, I might as well enjoy myself, right?

God's whispers began getting a little louder in 1993 when He answered a simple prayer. I was looking at some old pictures. I came across a picture of me & a guy, Craig, from when we dated years before (we were 15). Something inside of me told me that he was who I was supposed to be with. I was going to call him, but chickened out. What if he didn’t remember me? What if he remembered me, but hated me? What if he was married? I did something that night – still not sure why – that I hadn’t done in years. I prayed. I prayed that if I ever had a 2nd chance with Craig, I would make it work.

A few days later, I was on the phone with a friend. Something happened & we got disconnected. I hung up the phone & it rang immediately. Figuring it was her calling back, I answered with some rude comment. But it wasn’t her. There was a guy on the other line….. guess who? Craig! He was on winter break from college and had been thinking about me. He finally got the courage up to call me & got in touch with my dad. My dad then gave him my number. As you could imagine, I was dumbfounded. I just sat there saying ‘Oh my God’ repeatedly.

We went out the next night. I told him all that had happened to me. He needed to know what he was getting himself into. Craig loved me IN SPITE of what happened – just like God loves us in spite of what we do!!! We’ve been together ever since.

What brought me back to God? An answered prayer. I’ve learned that God didn’t desert me through all of it…. He LOVED me. It broke his heart each time I was abused. Yet through my anger, He still loved me. That was the beginning of my road to becoming a SURVIVOR. That doesn't mean that healing was immediate. I had hardened my heart to God - but slowly He was softening it.

Over the years, He continued to pursue me. He blessed me with a godly husband, 2 beautiful children, a home; He has reunited & repaired family relationships. He still pursues me - He pursues you too.

There are still days where the Enemy tries to find a foothold. Most days he's unsuccessful. God has taken those 'tragedies' of my life and brought good out of them. He took my broken heart & bound it back together so that I can love Him and love myself.

I am not a rape victim. I am a rape survivor. Those things that happened, yes, they initially broke me. But I am a MUCH stronger person for it. I don't wish any of it on my worst enemy, but I know how good can come out of something SO bad.

So, why am I telling you my story? This story of heartbreak & tragedy? Because it is not just MY story – it's a part of God's story.

We can look at the rough times in our lives and say “Why” or we can look at them and say “How can I use this to glorify you”. It's not easy, but it's worth it. And it is SO freeing.

By asking God to show me how to glorify Him, He has freed me from those events. Allowing me to forgive – truly forgive – those who hurt me. Recently, I was able to write & send a letter to my former youth pastor telling him that I had indeed forgiven him. What freedom!!! And without God, I know I could not have ever put those words on paper.

The beauty of freedom in God is that He can and will free us from anything. All we need to do is ask Him. You are dear to Him and He only wants your happiness.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. ~ Psalms 147:3

Many blessings,
Allison

Where do I begin?

2010-03-29T06:46:00.006-04:00

What started out as my 1st speaking engagement turned into a weekend that I will NEVER forget! I don't even know where to start when I try to talk about this weekend.

When I started out on Friday, I was nervous. Not just about getting up & talking. It was more about having different areas of my life 'meet'. I shouldn't have worried.. Kristin, Jo & Amanda got along from minute one (I'm a dork for even thinking that they wouldn't). 7 hours in a car - HYSTERICAL!!! Oh my the conversation!!

Ok... so our 4 bedroom cabin turned into a cabin with a 4 bed room. Hahahaha! One day I'll learn to read. Our cabin was right across the street from the ocean. We could see it from our kitchen window. All these years I've focused on my FEAR of the ocean and I had forgotten the BEAUTY & POWER of it. A beautiful reminder from my Heavenly Father.

All weekend God gave me gentle signs that I was where I was supposed to be; in the music, other people's words. By the time I got up to speak, I was still nervous, but I had such a renewed strength. Getting up to that microphone, I felt home. THIS was what I was called to do. I can't wait to do it again (not that I have another chance - yet. We know how God works).

I went into this with 3 friends, 1 acquaintance & 20+ strangers. I walked away with 3 BEST friends & 20+ NEW friends. My sisters in Christ.

God touched each one of us this weekend in profound ways. Ways that we've already heard about & ways that are still in the works.

I have been blessed by this group of women and I can't wait to see them again.

On our way home, heck I was already 8 miles from home, God sealed the weekend with a promise. HIS promise!

Many blessings,
Allison

P.S. I will be posting a transcript of my speech

It's almost time..

2010-03-25T13:48:00.003-04:00

I can't believe it's here! This weekend is the woman's retreat in Kure Beach, NC. Granted, it's a 7 hour drive, but I'm heading there with some WONDERFUL friends... picture Thelma, Louise & 2 extra friends - except I do NOT plan on driving off a cliff; no convertible either - minivan.

I'd love to say that my bags are packed & I am ready to go. Hahahaha!! That would be a false statement - a VERY false statement. I have a vague idea of what I need to pack & still need to make a run to Wally World for provisions. I'll get there... need to get the ball rolling.

I'm scheduled to speak on Saturday night - last session of the retreat! My 'words' have been written for months now, I just need to say them. I'll admit, I struggled with it. It's a church retreat so I thought I needed to have biblical references and whatnot. Then I remembered, it's all about MY story & how God has worked in my life. HE will do all the work. I'll just be His vessel.

My sponsor is concerned about me... rightfully so. I'm sure there will be a ton of junk food to snack on. Being that I will be vulnerable, especially after telling my story, I run the risk of wanting to binge. I have to have faith & trust that God will see me through this. One of the best things that I have going for me this weekend - besides God - is having my friends with me. They'll be my earthly support. Plus, I have all of you praying for me this weekend.

I plan on taking a TON of pictures, so I'll do what I can to share when I get back. I won't be able to blog while I'm gone, but I will Tweet quite regularly - so make sure you sign up to follow my Tweets.

Last night was a tough one for me. I'm on call for the rape crisis center. I got a call.. which triggered a need to binge.

3/25/10 Thankful list

~ I recognized the desire to binge
~ I did NOT succumb to that desire
~ I immediately told my husband of my desire to want to binge.
~ I picked up some knitting instead.

Many blessings,
Allison

I did it!

2010-03-23T18:40:00.003-04:00

For a week now, I've been struggling with being 'found out'. You know, that secret stash of stuff (food containers) that I keep in my trunk. My empties.

After a great meeting on Sunday and some tough love from my sponsor, I finally took the bull by the horns. I, temporarily, disabled my disease (at least for today). I picked up my daughter from a friend's house, went into my trunk & gathered my empties.

I could have done so many different things with them, but I chose to 'out' myself to my husband. He is my safe place. I know that he will love me in spite of my disease.

I think he may have been expecting 'more' than what I showed him. There were only 3 things. But those 3 things represent the countless OTHER things that I have hid from him.

How do I feel? Anxious, shameful and free. He loves me. He's happy that I shared this with him, but he's scared for me. I can understand that.

I feel like I'm on a Chutes & Ladders game board. A few steps forward, climb up a ladder, maybe slide down a bit. But each time I need to pick myself back up, dust myself off & play again.

Thanks for sharing this journey with me.

Many blessings,
Allison

Another rainy Monday

2010-03-22T07:59:00.006-04:00

I know we had a drought a for a few years, but all of this rain is killing me! Every time it rains, I'm sporting a migraine. UGH!

It's been a week of mixed emotions, yet no real binges. I guess that is an accomplishment for me. I can't totally say that I was abstinent, but I didn't binge. Heck, I'm having a tough time trying to figure out what my trigger foods are. It changes day to day.

The real BIGGIE for me was realizing that I was going to be 'found out'. It's easy to sit here on my computer and tell you that I am a compulsive over eater. I can even admit that to my IRL friends & family. It's a totally different thing letting people SEE the stuff I binge on.

My heart knows that people will still love me - maybe even love me more. My head, the sickness, says otherwise. But my sponsor said something to me this week that struck a cord "Your sickness is only as powerful as your secret".

Does that mean I'm ready to pour it all out for you? No, sorry. I'm just not there yet. BUT, I have began talking about it in a safe environment. With the love & support of my program friends and God, I know that one day (hopefully soon) I will be able to share it with my family, friends & you.

My bible verse for today:

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. ~ Philippians 4:13

I need to constantly & consistently remember that. Even if every person in my life were to walk out, I am still loved by the One above. He will see me through.
My song for today:

He will carry me
by Mark Schultz

I have a blessed life.. I just need to keep that in mind every day. As for this disease, I just need to take it one day at a time. Don't worry about tomorrow, just focus on today.

3/22/10 Thankful List

The friendship in program
The love & support of my family, friends & readers
The simple phrase "I Love You"

Many blessings,
Allison

Accomplished

2010-03-17T19:01:00.002-04:00

It's been a great day!

I had a slow start to the day. I volunteered at my son's school this morning, helping out my husband's co-teacher with some work. I was hoping to get there at 9, but got there at 10 instead. At least I made it.

While I was there, I was blessed with an opportunity to get together with some of my small group girls. Four of them attend the same school so it made lunch easier. What fun!! Hannah, Kaylee, Madison & Olivia are great! They brought their friend, Tiana, too - whom I've met once before. The girls are so sweet with such fun personalities. I am so happy that I had this opportunity outside of Sunday morning to see them. Seeing them in their "natural" element was fun. BTW, we do NOT recommend gluten-free, no sugar-added chocolate pudding - unless of course you plan on adding marinara sauce, lettuce & pears.

Overall, it's been a wonderful day!

3/17/10 thankful list

1. My seriously funny small group girls.
2. Phone calls from new friends.
3. A chance to help a teacher.

Craig's at baseball with Justin tonight - GO MARLINS! Chelsea & I are about to head out to dinner (I'm gonna sneak in a trip to Wal-Mart & the new library too).

Many blessings,
Allison

The Vintage Pearl: A giveaway!!!!!

2010-03-15T23:55:00.004-04:00

The Vintage Pearl: tgif & spring break! (a giveaway!)

Do you just LOVE my necklace & want one for yourself (or one to give to a special friend)? Head on over to The Vintage Pearl blog (link featured above) & enter to win!!!

Just think... any one of these could be YOURS!!!

Many blessings,
Allison

It's here, it's here, it's here!!

2010-03-12T15:19:00.004-05:00

My BEAUTIFUL necklace from The Vintage Pearl arrived today. Let me tell you, it was SO worth the wait!!!
I'm all ready to hop into the shower & get dressed so I can show it off at Bible Study tonight.

While I can't afford to give anything away (yet), I am happy to say that The Vintage Pearl IS. They've got a contest going on right now - 2 $50 gift certificates. It's simple to enter. Hope over to their blog, leave a comment about what you're going to do on Spring Break. If you blog/tweet about the contest, you'll get another entry. Simple, right??? That's how I won!!

It's been an alright day otherwise. My food hasn't been too bad. No binges, which I am happy to say. I'm looking forward to the weekend. My youngest sister will be in town & I'm hoping to see her. A little jealous that she's not staying with me, but happy to have her here nonetheless.

Still need to make my 2 calls. That's next on my list.

3/12/10 thankful list

1. Mail
2. My sisters
3. Caller ID

I'm looking forward to the weekend. Can't wait for church on Sunday. Can't wait for group tonight.

I'm enjoying this journey that I'm on. I know it's going to be a rollercoaster, but I've always been a fan. Since God is in control (I need to remember to give the control over to Him), I know that it'll be ok.

Many blessings,
Allison

Insert witty title here

2010-03-11T13:26:00.003-05:00

It's still raining, which means I still have a migraine. At least I was able to take a nice long nap so far.

As soon as I finish this post, I'll start making my phone calls. As much as I LOVE to talk, its really hard to step out & just call people that you don't really know. But part of this journey is to step out of my comfort zone and that's what I plan on doing.

No new revelations today. Not yet anyway.

I forgot to write 3 things that I was grateful for yesterday... so here's my list:

3/10/10

1. My best friend for checking in on me to make sure I survived Zumba
2. A wonderful conversation with a friend who is going through her parents' divorce.
3. God blessing of providing SEVEN paid spots at the upcoming retreat.

The day is still early to write my thankful list for today. I'll do that later.

For now, I need to eat breakfast/lunch. Do some reading & make my phone calls.

It's a new day & I feel happy today.

*** 3/12/10 thankful list***
1. phone calls
2. abstinence
3. fellow Rape Response volunteers

Many blessings,
Allison

Today

2010-03-10T22:27:00.002-05:00

Today was just a day. An ordinary day. Not a bad day; not a good day. It was Wednesday.

I've rebounded after my bad day yesterday. Just when I think no one is listening, I find out otherwise. I love how God does that.

I'd like to say that I had a little more motivation today, but I'd be lying. This rain brought on a migraine late in the day. Stinkin' rain!

I didn't accomplish as much as I had hoped. Didn't make the phone calls that I needed to make either. So, I'm committing myself to make double the phone calls tomorrow.

I had more time to think about my affair with food. Just when I pushed God out of my life, I started trying to fill that hole with food. Food & other stuff. I've dealt with the other stuff, now its time to deal with the food.

I eat when I'm bored. I eat when I'm sad/depressed. I eat when I feel inadequate; when I just want to hide from the world. Lately, I've been eating because I'm bored. I'm dealing with the feelings of inadequacy.

I love my personality! Once you get to know me, I'm fun loving & outgoing. Maybe I'm the jolly fat girl... but I just want to be that funny woman.

I'm on a long road to recovery here... there will be ups & downs. I'm so blessed to have a wonderful support system. People who truly care. I love the fact that I've met up with people who are going through EXACTLY what I'm going through. I'm not the only crazy one.

Tomorrow is another day. Who knows what the Lord has in store for me. But I can tell you this, I can't wait to see what it is.

Many blessings,
Allison

And so it begins...

2010-03-10T06:53:00.005-05:00

For years, I've eaten in order to gain weight so that I would no longer be attractive. If I wasn't attractive then no one would want to hurt me, right?

I've managed to gain so much weight that now people notice me when I walk in a room. I'm the 'fat girl'. You know the one... she walks into a room and people give that "look". I've tried to eat to be invisible, I've become visible.

Yesterday wasn't a good day for me. Don't ask me why because I really don't know. Not sure what triggered it, but I just didn't want to be social. That's pretty hard to do when you're scheduled to go to Zumba classes with your friends.

Since I was 14, I've used food as a way to control my appearance. Back then, I just didn't eat or if I ate, I purged. At 20, I started using food as a way to suppress the HUGE hole that was inside of me. That huge hole was a GOD-sized hole. He wasn't in my life... well, he was - I was just running from him.

Here I am at 37, sometimes I still eat to fill that hole, but I'm learning each day to control that urge. The only thing that can fill that void is God. I need to focus more on him & less on food. Food only gives me that temporary 'high'...

I've been told that I'm going to have good days & bad days on this journey. I just didn't expect to have bad days so soon.

3 things that I'm grateful for from yesterday

1. I made a phone call that I didn't want to make
2. I went to Zumba even though I didn't want to go
3. I am blessed with a loving & supportive husband.

Many blessings,
Allison

Not soon enough

2010-03-04T09:52:00.004-05:00

Boy, I am impatient! (are you just figuring this out too, or have you known for a while).

Our Impact class was great! Draining - there was a LOT to learn. But amazing, nonetheless. I, of course, want a child NOW. Craig, thank God, is a lot more rational about this. He's the more level-headed of the two of us, especially when it comes to something like this. I just want to gather all of the hurting kids & bring them home. Craig wants to think, discuss & pray before hand. I am SO blessed that God balances us.

We did get a call yesterday from Bethany saying that our Impact certificates were on the way, along with our home study packet. Of course, now I'm sitting at a window ~~stalking~~ watching for the mail person. I'm even contemplating if we need to frame our certificates. Insane, I know.

There's still a LOT we need to do before we can officially open our home. We need to complete the home study packet; discuss relationships with parents, siblings, spouse; decide what age group; how many children; are we willing to take a sibling group; what type of abused child are we open to; would we be willing to foster a multicultural child. Then we, as a couple & family, need to REALLY talk about the changes this will bring to our family. After that is the home visit, FBI/GBI background check... YIKES!

None of that has put a damper on my excitement. I'm just as excited today as I was back in December when we first began this journey. And I know I'll be even MORE excited a month from now as we see what God has in store for us.

Thanks for sharing this journey with us & your support. It really helps knowing that we have people in our lives who are behind us.

Many blessings,
Allison

It's Random Dozen day!!

2010-03-04T08:33:00.002-05:00

1. Do you prefer even or odd numbers? Any particular reason? Odd numbers... because there is always a definitive middle. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

2. On a scale of 1-10, with 1 being "not at all" and 10 being Carly Simon-worthy, how vain are you? Probably a 4... unless I were to lose weight, then I'd be an 8.

3. Among these Irish stereotypes, with which do you identify most closely? Talkative, Proud, Inquisitive, Love to party, Hot-tempered ~ Talkative & hot-tempered.

4. How lucky do you consider yourself? no more than the next person (I haven't won the lottery)

5. What is the subject of your favorite post that you've written? music... it's how I commune with God

6. Describe March weather where you live in three words. This year, cold, wet, unpredictable.

7. How apt are you at detecting blarney (Smooth talk, flattery) when you hear it? I think I'm pretty good at it.

8. How "green" are you, environmentally speaking? Below average...

9. What is your favorite song this week? I'll Praise You in This Storm, Casting Crowns

10. You are walking along and see a coin on the ground. What denomination does it have to be before you will stop to pick it up? It's got to be SILVER

11. Complete the sentence: "Every time I look outside my window ...."I see God's wonderful creation

12. What was the #1 song on the day you were born? See this site to find out. The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face by Roberta Flack

A giveaway!!!

2010-03-02T15:38:00.003-05:00

Ok... I'm not the one doing the giveaway, but I just had to share it with all of you!

The Vintage Pearl has a new design & are giving one away PLUS a $25 gift certificate. All you need to do to enter is comment at the Vintage Pearl blog WHO you would give this necklace to. That's it. Simple, right???
I love this necklace and already have someone in mind if I were to win it. Who would YOU give it to???

Good luck!
Many blessings,
Allison

It's a BLOCK PARTY!!!

2010-03-01T08:51:00.008-05:00

Lynnette's super talented daughter, Abigail, is hosting a Blog Block Party from March 1st to March 8th. Of course, I HAD to participate! Any opportunity to tell silly information about myself, I'm there!

1. What's your favorite time of the day, and why?
~ Midnight. It's complete darkness with only the moon & stars to see.

2. If health wasn't an issue, what food could you live off of?
~ Cheese... I love it! I'm not picky either. I love ALL cheese. Even the stinky stuff. But BRIE is my FAVORITE!!!
3. If you could have one wish granted (besides wishing for more wishes), what would it be?
~ All of our finances would be taken care of. This way hubby can just concentrate on being a great teacher & I can have the ministry I want to have.

4. What's one thing that you get teased about a lot?
~ My life! I've always got something interesting going on. My stories are usually a source of entertainment.

5. If you could choose one movie, book, or TV show to spend your life in, which would you pick? What type of character would you be?
~ Movie: Hope Floats, I'd want to be Sandra Bullock
Book: Stephanie Plum series by Janet Evanovich, I'd want to be Stephanie Plum.
TV show: The Mentalist, I'd want to be Patrick Jane.
Sorry I couldn't pick just ONE!

6. If you could have one talent that you don't already have, what would it be?
~ The ability to sing 'Ave Maria'......

7.If money were no object, where would you go on vacation?
~ Alaskan cruise

8. If you were an awesome singer, which genre would you sing?'
~ Opera-ish... I'd want to be Christine in Phantom of the Opera.
9. If you could have a $10,000 shopping spree to one store, what would it be?
~ Target. I LOVE that place!!!!
10. If you could live in any point in time, when would it be?
~ The 50's. Loved the poodle skirts & a time where everyone was still so innocent.
11. If every outfit in your wardrobe had to be one color, what would it be?
~ Navy blue...

12. If you were one of the seven dwarves, which one would you be?
(Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Bashful, Happy, or Dopey)
~ Dopey, he was just TOO cute!
13. What's the last album you listened to?
~ Awake, by North Point Live
14. What's something we'd be surprised to know about you?
~ I used to wear big baggy jeans with boxer shorts showing (mini hip-hop phase)

Many blessings,
Allison

Our journey begins....

2010-02-27T01:49:00.003-05:00

It's finally here! I've been waiting for this weekend for 2 months now! Tonight (well, Friday night) we started our IMPACT classes to become foster parents.

I really thought this class was just going to be a bunch of information. Not that that would be bad.... but there's a lot of interaction and they ask for feedback. What would you do in this situation type stuff. Really interesting - and eye opening.

As I sat in the class, I couldn't help but wonder what God had in store for us. Of course, I also couldn't help but wonder if we would even be able to foster because of my history. Society has a tendency to look down upon those with depression or sexual abuse in their past. Yet, I was reassured. It's a God thing, I know. We were told tonight that those experiences that I've been through will actually be an ASSET; part of our strengths as foster parents. Chances are I will know what these children are going through. I'll be able to identify with them a little better. How reassuring!

Once again, God is using my past to help further HIS kingdom. He'll lead children to our home who will truly be able to benefit from the love & experience that we have to offer.

It's going to be an interesting ride and a bumpy one too!! I can't wait.

Many blessings,
Allison

Amazing worship!

2010-02-25T09:43:00.004-05:00

What do you get when you put a rockin' worship band, 1000+ high school students & 300+ small group leaders in one room? AMAZING WORSHIP!!!

Fee Band is currently one of my favorite Christian bands, not just because they're local. The words of their songs speak right to my heart; they get through all of the crap & really hit my soul. It is often that while listening to one of their songs God speaks to me. Music causes me to be still & really listen to what He has to say to me.

Last weekend our church hosted the annual MyLife weekend for high schools students from all 3 campuses (Browns Bridge, North Point & Buckhead). I've never been to MyLife, but my husband has. He always comes back exhausted & without a voice, but recharged by the connection he made with God and his high school boys.

Saturday night, the kids & I 'sneaked' into church to watch Fee perform. I'll admit it - I'm a groupie! Justin complained that it was too loud (he was tired). Chelsea really got into & started worshiping & raising her hands. That itself warmed my heart.

But the view from below was incredible! Hundreds of high schoolers & their leaders just worshiping God. Not caring what the person next to them would think about them. For that moment, these kids just let go.

I feel so blessed that we attend a church that our kids love to go to. They look forward to waking up on Sunday mornings. They WANT to go to church. For me & Craig, that is refreshing because we certainly were not like that at their age (at least I know I wasn't).

This weekend is Walking Wisely Weekend for the middle school students. Chelsea will be going. I'm bummed that I won't be there, but cannot wait to hear about her experience!! I pray that God will meet her in that place and speak to her heart.

If you're in the market for some great worship & are in the area tonight (2/24/10), stop by Browns Bridge Community Church for their Night of Worship (featuring Fee Band, Cori Moon & Seth Condrey). It's a wonderful night of prayer, worship & communion.

Many blessings,
Allison

Random Dozen #7?

2010-02-25T06:44:00.004-05:00

I'll admit, I've been uninspired lately. It's not that I don't have anything to say - HA! I just can't seem to get things down coherently. So, I've opted to participate in this week's RANDOM DOZEN! ~ Thanks Zizzie!

1. Have you ever fired a gun or shot a bow and arrow? Ummm... I can't remember. I'll fess up to using a watergun. :)

2. Do you know where your childhood best friends are? Yes I do, thanks to Facebook!!

3. Do you usually arrive early, late, or on time? Depends on how lazy I am that day.

4. Are you more of a New York or California type? Totally New York!! Fuggetaboutit!

5. Do you have a special ring tone? Nope.. not gel-ing with my cell right now so I haven't done anything 'fun' with it. It's a cheapo so there's not a lot of 'fun' stuff to do to it.

6. What is your favorite type of chip? kettle fried, sea salt & black pepper

7. Best comedy you've ever seen is .... Jeff Dunham, I just LOVE those puppets!!!

8. Have you ever cut your own hair? To quote Dr. Phil, "How'd that work for ya?" OMG!!! It was a NIGHTMARE! Picture this... 7th grade, tried to cut my own bangs. Cut them TOO short. Asked Mom to 'fix' hair. She proceeded to cut my hair to match my bangs. My sisters call it the "Steve Perry" years.

I'm the one on the left (tall). This hair is a result of the bang debacle.

9. If you were going to have an extreme makeover, would you rather it be about your house or your personal self? self - I LOVE my house!!!

10. Are you allergic to anything? After undergoing hours of allergy testing, I have a 'mild' allergy to household dust.

11. Why is it so hard to change? it's SO easy being complacent.

12. One last question dedicated to February love: CS Lewis said, "To love is to be vulnerable." Please share one example of that assertion or share any thought you'd like to about this topic. Only when you become vulnerable with someone can you truly let them love you. Your walls are down and you are open.

Many blessings,
Allison

Casting stones

2010-02-19T14:36:00.003-05:00

John 8:1-11 is a famous story. We all know the line from it "He who is without sin let him throw the 1st stone".

It is SO easy to look at other people's lives and throw stones at them. I'm just as guilty.

Tiger Woods' extra-marital activities has been a hot topic for months now. Today, he held a press conference apologizing for his actions. I'll admit, hearing him admit that he was unfaithful kind of ruffled my feathers. Unfaithful isn't exactly how I would describe what he has done. It is SO easy to sit in the privacy of my own home, compare my life to his and throw stones at him. I mean, seriously.... 10 women!!

Yet while listening to some great worship music (I've been in the mood to worship), I was convicted. I was listening to an old favorite made new again by Chris Tomlin: Amazing Grace The words have ALWAYS been a powerful reminder of how unworthy I am of His Grace, but today the lyrics really pierced my heart. The chorus "My chains are gone, I've been set free, My God, My Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood, His mercy reigns, unending love, amazing grace" hit me like a ton of bricks.

This song isn't just about me... it's not just about you either. It's about ALL of us, regardless of where we are in life. God's grace is for each of us... even Tiger Woods.

I pray that he & his wife know God. That, together, they can overcome this tragedy and the 3 of them (Tiger, Elin & God) can grow together.

Many blessings,
Allison

Sleepless in Gainesville

2010-02-19T03:27:00.004-05:00

It's 3:30 in the morning & I am WIDE awake. I've tried laying in bed. I just cannot fall asleep. There's something weighing on my heart, but I don't know what it is. Have you ever gotten that feeling? This deep weepy feeling in the pit of my chest. I'm on the verge of tears yet I don't know what I could possibly cry about.

I feel that I need to worship my Father & have been listening to some of my favorite worship CDs, but that's not it. There's something more.... something I just cannot put my finger on.

Could it be that this evening's "situation" affected more than I thought? I don't think so. It was so minuscule; just a blip on my radar really. Maybe I've seen the "stuff" my husband has to deal with as a teacher. I'm just not sure.

The 2 things that keep popping into my head right now:

1. "Be still and know that I am God" ~ Psalm 46:10
2. "It is well with my soul" ~ Horatio Spafford (1873)

I need to make these my prayer tonight, yet I just can't. Right now, my soul is not still. It's not a depressed feeling; just a 'yuck' feeling. Could it be I'm feeling a spiritual battle that is surrounding me?

Wasn't what I expected!

2010-02-18T19:23:00.002-05:00

One of the many things I love about being a Christian is being able to recognize when God answers a prayer. Granted, it's not always the answer that I'm expecting.

Tonight was just one of those nights. I cannot go into detail in such a public forum, but I sent out a quick prayer asking God to protect us from a certain situation. Honestly, I was expecting things to just run smoothly & the situation would be avoided (I like avoiding things). Not so much! It looked like we were going to experience that situation after all.

In walks God. Well, not literally. Well, MAYBE literally. A friend happened along to where we were, which enabled us to leave and avoid said situation.

I just love how when we pray for something, God sometimes answers with a great big ol' neon sign.

Many blessings,
Allison

Beautiful music

2010-02-18T14:05:00.004-05:00

When my daughter was getting ready to head off to middle school, the music department really did a BIG push with chorus & band. Chelsea, lover of music, decided to join the chorus.

Joining chorus has really helped bring her out of her shell. Not that she's a wall flower, but she's found her element. She found the courage to try out for the statewide honors chorus (something I never would have done). There were only 3 positions (well, 6 really since 3 alternates were chosen). Chelsea was chosen as an alternate. Not sure what that entails - probably nothing as of right now. She was also selected to be one of 15 6th graders to represent her school in the Forsyth County Honors Chorus.

The County Honors Chorus recently held a performance. Middle school chorus students from all over the county (5 schools total) came together on one day, rehearsed together for the 1st time and performed later that same night. These kids were amazing!!!

ENJOY!

Many blessings,
Allison

Happy Valentine's Day

2010-02-14T16:58:00.003-05:00

I saw this about 10 years ago and LOVED it. I am SO thankful that I found it again. Enjoy!!!

Many blessings,
Allison

Friday Fill-ins

2010-02-12T17:42:00.003-05:00

I've been wanting to blog today, but wasn't sure what to write. Thanks to my friend, Elizabeth, I can have a little FUN!! I decided to join in on the fun with Friday Fill-Ins.

1. Pickles _____________.
2. _________ at home.
3. The snow is __________.
4. _____________ in nature.
5. It's 5:16 PM; that means ______________.
6. ________ is hard to find.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to _____, tomorrow my plans include _____ and Sunday, I want to _____!

----------------------------------------------

Pickles are yummy on a Chik-fil-a chicken sandwich.
I love being at home.
The snow shouldn't be falling in GEORGIA!
I see God's love and beauty in nature. (I'm gonna borrow Elizabeth's answer on this one)
It's 5:16 PM; that means Chelsea should be starting her homework .
A true friend is hard to find.
And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to relaxing in front of the fireplace, tomorrow my plans include spending time with my family and Sunday, I want to go to church!

Have fun!!!!

Many blessings,
Allison

Meet Pablo

2010-02-10T07:08:00.004-05:00

I often blog about my family; husband, children, sisters. I've yet to blog about another important member of our family - Pablo. He's the 5th member of our family.

We adopted Pablo in 2004, shortly after we moved to Georgia. He had such a sweet face & was SO excited to meet us. Little did we know.....

Many blessings,
Allison

I'm movin on up.....

2010-02-04T22:56:00.004-05:00

....to the East Side. No, not really. No deluxe apartment in the sky either.

Since the beginning of the school year, I have volunteered at church at UpStreet, which is the K-5th children ministry as a small group leader for 5th grade girls.

It has been an interesting year so far and I know there's still SO much more to come in the next few months. But God has been tugging on my heartstrings. He wants me to move up to middle school. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!?

I think I signed up to be a small group leader kicking & screaming. Not ACTUALLY kicking & screaming. More like feeling inadequate. Was I really equipped to lead these girls? Is this my gift? I always saw myself as a 'behind-the-scenes' kind of girl.

God has been faithful. I have been blessed with a wonderful co-leader, Tricia, and a group of girls that just captured my heart. It's like having extra children - not having to worry about feeding & clothing them though.

Lately, I've been feeling a stirring in my heart. Do I want to stay in UpStreet or move up to the middle school environment, Xtreme? God's response: MOVE ON UP!

I don't know what lies ahead as I move up, but I'm SO excited to see what God has in store for me & Tricia!! He's got something great up His sleeves... we just need to be willing.

For now, I'm concentrating on Saturday - KIDVENTURE! What's KidVenture you ask? Oh man... it's going to be a super fun day!! Picture 750 kids, age 5-11 with a TON of adults bowling, laser tag, bumper cars, video games, pizza & soda!!! Did I mention it's for 3 hours!?!?!? It's going to be CRAZY and I can't wait!

Many blessings,
Allison

I can't contain myself!!!

2010-02-03T23:38:00.004-05:00

Ginger Garrett is one of my favorite Christian authors - not because she's a friend either. If I didn't know her, I'd STILL love her books.

A few years ago, she was kind enough to bring me a few of her books to read. I couldn't put them down! My favorite, by far, was Chosen: The Lost Diaries of Queen Esther. Some would say that it is similar to 'One Night with the King'... I couldn't tell you. I haven't read that yet.

Back to Chosen. Ginger paints a vivid picture of Esther, Xerxes & their story. I got so wrapped up in the story that I forgot that it is a true story. Just open up your Bible to the Old Testament, find the book of Esther. Ta dah!

But Chosen is SO much more than the Biblical account. It really is a love story, but not your average love story. It's the love of God for His chosen people.

I lent my copy of Chosen to someone & haven't gotten it back. And if you KNOW me, you know that I need to keep my books. I re-read them constantly!! That's why I'm not good at borrowing books from the library. I never want to give them back.

Just last week, Ginger announced the re-release of Chosen. Sure, I could have bought a copy from Half.com, but some of the first editions are going for $90!! I love Ginger, but I'd rather pay HER $90 for her book - not a random stranger.

So, I'm starting a countdown!

Interested in pre-ordering, look no further: Chosen, Amazon.com
I know I'll be asking for a copy for my birthday!!!

Many blessings,
Allison

How excited am I!?!?!

2010-02-02T13:03:00.006-05:00

Seldom do I enter contests online. I mean, there are millions on people online & the chances of me winning something are literally 1 in a million.

One thing I do do is read blogs. I love reading them! I have a few favorites that I read daily and then there are a few that I pop in now & then just to play catch up.

Lynnette's blog is on my favorites list. I want to be her when I grow up! Well, I want to be as good a photographer as she is. And I LOVE her story.

I'll make this LONG story short. I was blessed to win a prize from Lynnette's blog for the month of January! A gift certificate to The Vintage Pearl.

I'm not a jewelry person... but when I saw their stuff, I just fell in love! I'm all about personalized items. I had even emailed my husband a 'list' of Valentine gift ideas featuring a beautiful necklace from The Vintage Pearl. I hope he didn't buy it yet, but if he has I KNOW I can find something else from their collection that I just HAVE to have!

Today, I'd like you reintroduce you to Lynnette and introduce you to The Vintage Pearl.

Lynnette's story is one of love & heartbreak and God's love. She's been an inspiration to me. And if you're looking for unique personalized gifts, then The Vintage Pearl is the place!!! Just think birthdays, new baby, Mother's Day, anniversaries.. the possibilities are endless!

Many blessings,
Allison

Hold me accountable....

2010-02-01T12:15:00.004-05:00

Several years ago, while watching Oprah, I took up a cause. One that bans driving while talking on the cellphone. There was a particular story that broke my heart - the loss of a 2 year old child because of a distracted driver - featured that day. From that moment on, I vowed that I would NEVER talk while driving.

Then, hands free technology was introduced. But those cords - what a PITA! Along came the Blue Tooth. I don't know about you, but I think I have weird ears. They don't stay in & aren't all that comfortable.

Needless to say, I became less interested in the cause.

A few months ago, a former co-worker was killed in a car accident. It was suspected that he had been texting while driving, swerved into oncoming traffic & killed instantly. That was enough to make me think twice about texting while driving. Of course, my kids are constant reminders too.

Enter Oprah once again... while checking out my Twitter page and what people have been Tweeting, I saw that Oprah was at it again.. This time, it's not just about talking while driving; texting too.

The statistics are amazing... talking while driving is equivalent to driving while drunk.

Anyway, find out more for yourself. Very rarely do I plug anything that Oprah does, but this one re-opened my eyes. I want to share it with you so that I do not hear another story about someone I know losing their life while driving - especially over something so not necessary as texting or talking.

This is going to be tough for me. Anyone who knows me knows that the only time I talk on the phone is when I'm driving. At the moment, I do not have a hands free device (yes Mom, I DO have the Blue Tooth you gave me but my current phone is not Blue Tooth compatible). This means, if you get a call from me & it sounds like I'm driving MAKE SURE that I am using a hands free device (you can always tell). If I'm not, HANG UP ON ME!!!

Many blessings,
Allison

How great is our God

2010-01-31T16:06:00.004-05:00

Every so often I am able to witness something that is SO incredible - baptism.

Each time, I get to hear how God has worked in someone else's life. How He has picked up the broken piece of their lives and made them whole again. This week - really I can't fully express it with words. Today, I witness this transformation in a high schooler.

Let me tell you about him.

I'm not really sure of his name, but I know who he is. Each Sunday, he leads a group of 5th grade boys. I'm not sure of the impact he has on those boys, but he has had a TREMENDOUS impact on me.

Every so often he'll sit in the front row at the 11am service. During worship, you can SEE him pour his heart out to the Lord. He is SO in love with our God. Once I even told him how uplifting it is when I see him praise Him.

Today we heard his story.

He's lived a tough life. Yet when he met the Lord, his life was transformed. He WALKS to & from church each Sunday. He arrives at 6am and doesn't usually leave until 7pm. Each Sunday!!! He loves His God SO much that he is willing to serve in any way possible.

To watch him proclaim that Jesus is his Lord & Savior left me speechless & in tears.

That is what it's all about - our church. It's about bringing people into a GROWING relationship with Jesus Christ.

My prayer for you is that you encounter someone's life transforms yours.

Many blessings,
Allison